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Three's a Crowd
:Love at first sight:
He flies from above, feeling mother nature tears,
Black clouds show signs of agony and fear.
Flames burn beneath him, someone is screaming,
within the flames there is life breathing and aching.
He Flies down through the barrel of arson wincing in pain,
The burning sounds gives him migrate, doesn't complain.
Standing on ashes like its a wet cloud carpet to him.
looking down at this person with tearstains and a sad grim.
Tilted his head, both looking into each other eyes.
their insides getting warm as if the sun is out in the skies.
Through the black clouds he flies with the rescuer.
In his arms he sleeps. This love between these 2 shall last
....Forever.
:Adopted Son:
Am I too lost to be saved, he thought to himself.
ever since he was a sperm, he had been alone with no help.
Sent by gods angels, placing him on the wrong path.
Like a mistaken finger print, he was in gods fingertips
...but fell into the devil hands, taking in his dangerous wrath.
The flames grows deeper inside his soul, with no escape.
He scrapes, but he's trapped and the flames grows more hate.
Tears weeps and coursing slowly down his cheeks,
cries for help, words cutting through the smoke screen.
The devils breath makes him cough and blur his vision.
He passed out, as if there was a ounce bottle of rum in him.
Eye's flutter and saw his body being excision the smoke,
Before he could speak, his head felt as if it was a hot egg yoke.
Quickly and quietly he went to sleep.
Panting, not looking back to see who is coming for him.
Trapped into an ocean, the shark coming, he can't out swim.
Still his feet’s moving, not worrying about the pain in his leg,
or even thinking about getting on his knees and beg (for his life)
"Come here", o the voice crept inside him, shivering w/ fear.
Massive sweats over-flowing his eye lids, can't see that clear.
Quickly losing breath, but still going."O please god save me".
But you fool, you broke the biggest rule in the bible, you fiend!
Collapse, legs too tired can't move anymore. Head spinning.
Then he appeared. Just not even touching him he starts aching.
Heart burning, beating out of control. "Please son, spare my life"
With no hesitation, he screams when his body met the knife.
Blood spills, head slump onto his left shoulder, breathing no more.
"I gave you a gift and you use it to disrespect me,
your punishment is your life will be take and your soul will soar"
2 slump bodies lay over his shoulder as he walk up to heaven,
feeling no remorse for the third man. "His life too shall be ruin"
.
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Opening the heaven gates and he lay his eyes on the third man.
On his knees, with dry tears with a face of anger. A knife in his hand.
"You killed my family. Why!?" He responded in a calm voice and said
"Son, I let you in my home, but I never knew..." He stopped "Go Ahead!"
The knife in his hand quivering, shaking, but willingly to puncture himself.
"You had a relationship with your own sex, that disrespects my father thyself"
He raised his arm, as if he reaching out to him. "I rather be in hell with them"
"So be it" A flash of light came from his hand. Gone, went to an eternal PM.
*Looked up into the sky, with tears in his eyes
with sadness in his voice, he replies "Three 'gay people in heaven gates' is a crowd"
http://damaged.anime.net/archive/death.jpg
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This was a pretty well thought up verse, sad, and true. This was very deep, I dont know how the hell you came up with a topic. Nice flow, great emotion, good structure, and I also liked the fact that I-Or anyone else has ever thought about writing anything similar to this. I liked these lines:
Still his feet’s moving, not worrying about the pain in his leg,
or even thinking about getting on his knees and beg (for his life)
"Come here", o the voice crept inside him, shivering w/ fear.
Massive sweats over-flowing his eye lids, can't see that clear.
Standing on ashes like its a wet cloud carpet to him.
looking down at this person with tearstains and a sad grim.
Great imagionary
Am I too lost to be saved, he thought to himself.
ever since he was a sperm, he had been alone with no help.
Sent by gods angels, placing him on the wrong path.
Like a mistaken finger print, he was in gods fingertips
...but fell into the devil hands, taking in his dangerous wrath.
This was a great drop. Keep writing.
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this peice was very deep and complex i really liked that about it imagery was also great verse had a sad feelin to it and i could understand where u was comin from rhymin was bad either vocab was pretty tight...ok nuttin was bad everythin was great
leave feed on my om time
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i def liked dis piece...ur imagery was some of da best i's seen in a long time on dis site so deffo PROPS on dat...
After readin da title, I had a totally diff mind-set 4 wat i thought dis was gonna b about, but u brought a topic i've neva seen done in here b4 in a totally ABSTRACT way...it was def refreshing
Kinda wondering how u came up wit dis topic???
Ur flo was good...u didn't use a typical structure or pattern 4 it which made it surprising 2 me dat u could hold it 2getha relatively well thru out da entire piece--PROPS on dat as well
My only suggestion would b use of INTERNAL rhyme which i can tell u could handle cuz ur complexity is def there...dis would bring a whole new side 2 ur writing & wit complex/abstract topics such as this, ur pieces would be DOPE!
I'ma b lookin' 4 mo from u on here so keep dis ish up! 1
-LL
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Thanks, nice to see more ladies on this site. I came up with the Topic by looking at the picture below my verse, and the concept was from my life, because I'm a lesbian. Am I going to hell because of that, don't know, let god decide. Church.
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I really like how u worded this it was a nice flow .. :) keep up tha work
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nice flow homie, i write similar pieces too
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Yo I really liked this shit.It had good everything.Imagery was brilliant you really detailed everything very well and your creativity was very good too.I really enjoyed reading this too,ya kept the readers attention and it didnt bore them half to death so nice job on that too.Kepp this goin gurl and i'll be looking foward to seeing your next shit
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This was an excellent peice..very enjoyable to read..nice layout/structure...flow nicley flowed...topic was interesting and pretty creative..imagery and vocab were nice....complexity was also nice....good rhymes....overall this wan excellent peice..keep it up..peace-
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Hmmmm, I dunno, the concepts and metaphors were there, and you're definately improving alot... But you've got to really work on your wording. Alot of times you lines suffered because they were phrased or worded awkwardly, so they just read funny and it ruind the initial vibe of the piece. Cuz, although the wording and such really bothered me I can still look beyond to see the potential power of the lines, and it's really impressive. You've just got a few more things to work on, but you're deffinately getting better and better with each drop, so keep it up.
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nice poem..this is some heavenly God-body stuff...the message in da bottle was well recieved. it good 2 read something and have 2 reflect 4 a min.
