"The Garden of Eden"

That last withering blink sinks
into the grasp of linking lashes
and said never again will this iris
dance in such a glimmering fashion,
but rather, latter the Mad Hatter
from the rabbit's cavernous palace
to patternless grounds of valance
to decorate the stage of Val Halla.
To the blind the beauty is mind,
use of which is the fuse lit to find
such is the handicaps last stance.
So the dams are barbed and roped,
and the man of smiling scars holds
to find the art of design in a mile of hope.

Closes his eyes, gulps three times;
tries to lose his sight as the light
pries through loops and writes lines
along side the wide end of his noose,
as he resumes a fast descent through
the brain's metal chutes again
....... to conclude in hallucinogens.
Takes that last step left of sane
and dances the fence that intersects
two hemisphere of queer from the brain.
Started there, deceiving ones self meaning
to transcend reason and land pardoned
...................... In the Garden of Eden.

Hollow feet follow eachother past east,
down the serene semi-round frown
that detached from a blown glass sea
of navy blue to meet with gold in piece.
The two interlocked, as blue rocked
its new love to sleep, then the two stopped...
Locked lips fast in a fit of passion
as the two both fell to yellow grass limbs,
and upon Blue's last thrust he knew...
Kissed her cheek and whispered, "I Love You."
Defined sections of their love streched on
along the lost skies shattered white eyes,
As from earth I saw the birth of a spectrum.

Waved good-bye to my dien' days
with a racing mind pacing the woods,
and as that last second danced away,
a man was blessed with death as
the hands of God unlocked the gates.


http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=274946
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=275064

That last withering blink sinks
into the grasp of linking lashes
and said never again will this iris
dance in such a glimmering fashion,
but rather, latter the Mad Hatter
from the rabbit's cavernous palace
to patternless grounds of valance
to decorate the stage of Val Halla.
To the blind the beauty is mind,
use of which is the fuse lit to find
such is the handicaps last stance.
So the dams are barbed and roped,
and the man of smiling scars holds
to find the art of design in a mile of hope.
Lol dope opening. the decorating the stage of val halla was a dope line. The smiling scars was also very nice. Dope opener.

Closes his eyes, gulps three times;
tries to lose his sight as the light
pries through loops and writes lines
along side the wide end of his noose,
as he resumes a fast descent through
the brain's metal chutes again
....... to conclude in hallucinogens.
Takes that last step left of sane
and dances the fence that intersects
two hemisphere of queer from the brain.
Started there, deceiving ones self meaning
to transcend reason and land pardoned
...................... In the Garden of Eden.
This flowed dopely. Rhyme scheme was nice, especially in the first 2 lines. I like the way you ended the stanza too. Made me want to read on.

Hollow feet follow eachother past east,
down the serene semi-round frown
that detached from a blown glass sea
of navy blue to meet with gold in piece.
The two interlocked, as blue rocked
its new love to sleep, then the two stopped...
Locked lips fast in a fit of passion
as the two both fell to yellow grass limbs,
and upon Blue's last thrust he knew...
Kissed her cheek and whispered, "I Love You."
Defined sections of their love streched on
along the lost skies shattered white eyes,
As from earth I saw the birth of a spectrum.
Again, dopeness. The way you described the whole even gave me an image. The alliteration of Locked Lips emphasised it alot, and really made me picture it. Givin birth to a spectrum was dope again

Waved good-bye to my dien' days
with a racing mind pacing the woods,
and as that last second danced away,
a man was blessed with death as
the hands of God unlocked the gates.
The rhyme between days away and gates were also very dope. The concluded the peice nicely. The picture of god unlockin the gates was very poetic again.

Very dope peice, as usaull. I love your work.

... Damn, the feed is slow coming.

Alright....1st of all very original (well 4 me neways)...title/approach to love topic, so neways......about the piece i was very impressed with your structure, and how u were able to have nice internals,wordplay etc in something where i was expecting more of a poem setting. but the flow was moving, it just kept on catching wordplay,nice vocab etc. Im always tellin rizin kats that they need to fiind there style and run with it, but also gotta have control over what they write....and i believe this is the 1st of ur stuff ive actually got down and read. and u have ur style down and u go wit it, ur rhyme scheme wasnt always 1-2, but you incorporated those um loose lines in well as part of a slight pause that in my mind did not hurt the flow or nething it all..actually made a nice switch and kept ya on ur toes, also something i tell young writers, is that sure you can have multies,wordplay,vocab,struc. etc but can you tie that all into ur topic/imagery/emotion...and most have troubles doing all of it...but in this piece i think u had GREAT imagery, emotion was also nice..and ur topic was original and so where a lot of ur lines..so i think u nailed that aspect on the head aswell....i think u juss rlly did a nice write with this one...not much i can complain about.


FAVORITE LINES:

That last withering blink sinks
into the grasp of linking lashes
and said never again will this iris
dance in such a glimmering fashion,
^^dope opener just, got me reading..lil switch of rhymescheme and ur were off!

So the dams are barbed and roped,
and the man of smiling scars holds
to find the art of design in a mile of hope.
^^again lil swtich of style...but i juss lkd the sligh imagery!


along side the wide end of his noose,
as he resumes a fast descent through
the brain's metal chutes again
....... to conclude in hallucinogens.
^^liked the flow,wordplay


THERE WERE MORE..BUT U GET THE IDEA!!



*****if you could hit up my OM "barbaric Brilliance", LINK IN SIG that would be appreciated its my last drop few weeks ago..got a lot of nice replys on it, but not all by good writers....already got nominated once so thats nice....but if u could hit it up..thatd be great*****

Quote:

---

That last withering blink sinks
into the grasp of linking lashes
and said never again will this iris

---

didn't rhyme.

Quote:

---

Hollow feet follow eachother past east,
down the serene semi-round frown
that detached from a blown glass sea
of navy blue to meet with gold in piece.
The two interlocked, as blue rocked
its new love to sleep, then the two stopped...

---

that was the hottest, <~~~ my opinion. this was on par i cant really see what you needed help on, everything was on point. Topic was hot . structure was good .
Good shit and keep it coming , cant wait for the next one

Yo atticus collab with me, it's barr from rv. Your style is kinda the same as mine. I loved the multies and internals kept the flow smooth and the read great givn' the fact that you didnt use stretched bars. The concept was nice and it was very poetic with great use of metaphors. Liked the way you described landing in the garden of eden, very nice job.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...91#post4040391

more of a poem than a rap.. but yeah nice
awesome imagery throughout.. i could virtualy see the picture painted.rythym was tite

fave lines

Closes his eyes, gulps three times;
tries to lose his sight as the light
pries through loops and writes lines
along side the wide end of his noose,
as he resumes a fast descent through
the brain's metal chutes again
....... to conclude in hallucinogens.

nice art

up

I just hit all the links. And, I really aprecaite all the feed you guys have given me... Thanks.

........... :(

This was a really nice drop....i enjoyed it throughout...topic was cool and the opening was pretty dope...rhymes scheme was good...complexity and vocab was definately here man...i really like this drop....flowed smoothly..strucutre was very even..made it an easy read..overall this was dope..keep it up..peace-

Thanks alot man.

Aiight...ur opening was DOPE! there's not much 2 say bout that...

the way u pull all of da elements of "good writing" 2getha is real impressive 'specially compared 2 wat i seen on dis site so far...i haven't been here long, but i been writin/rhymin since i was lil & it's ez 2 pick out dope drops when u c them!

ur flo was nice...i thought u were gonna lose it on a couple of da lines but it was kinda like u gave da reader a "mental break" b4 u switched it up again--PROPS

Da complexity was prolly my fav part bout da piece bcuz it's hard 2 keep it complex, flo'ing, full of images, & e'rything else...but u deffo pulled it off!!!

Ur 2nd 2 last stanza/verse was wat really made da piece 4 me, topic wise neways...it had imagery in it dat was def dope

as 4 improvement, i'd prolly jus say keep tryn these diff kinda approaches 2 topics 'specially if u's gonna pick a played topic like LUV!

Deffo TYTE DROP! keep postin & elevatin...1

-LL

Thanks alot for all the love everyone.

... Bump

This was a very good piece, i can see your poetic side highly inspiring many aspects of this OM, i liked the use of metaphors and the flow was good too.
I reckon the real winners of this TOpical were the complexty and vocab, nice stuff keep em comin'

Can ya check this thanks:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....php?p=4060025

Gave me more a poem vibe than a rap song. but over a nice light guitar beat that could be SICK. flowed great, and I really liked the structure. Everone else pretty well said what I was thinkin'.
Keep Doin' Ya Thing...

Thanks alot for the love. And Pac, I'll get at the piece as soon as I can but I don't have to much time on the weekends.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Atticus

That last withering blink sinks
into the grasp of linking lashes
and said never again will this iris
dance in such a glimmering fashion,
but rather, latter the Mad Hatter
from the rabbit's cavernous palace
to patternless grounds of valance
to decorate the stage of Val Halla.
To the blind the beauty is mind,
use of which is the fuse lit to find
such is the handicaps last stance.
So the dams are barbed and roped,
and the man of smiling scars holds
to find the art of design in a mile of hope.

-This was very good, very descriptive and portrait. Word choices are decent, the imaginary on this part was overall good.

Closes his eyes, gulps three times;
tries to lose his sight as the light
pries through loops and writes lines
along side the wide end of his noose,
as he resumes a fast descent through
the brain's metal chutes again
....... to conclude in hallucinogens.
Takes that last step left of sane
and dances the fence that intersects
two hemisphere of queer from the brain.
Started there, deceiving ones self meaning
to transcend reason and land pardoned
...................... In the Garden of Eden.

-Hmm very complex, I had to read it a couple times to fully grasp the concept on this part. This was good, again I'm liking your word choices, but I'm NOT liking your wrap around lines, not very readable to me.

Hollow feet follow eachother past east,
down the serene semi-round frown
that detached from a blown glass sea
of navy blue to meet with gold in piece.
The two interlocked, as blue rocked
its new love to sleep, then the two stopped...
Locked lips fast in a fit of passion
as the two both fell to yellow grass limbs,
and upon Blue's last thrust he knew...
Kissed her cheek and whispered, "I Love You."
Defined sections of their love streched on
along the lost skies shattered white eyes,
As from earth I saw the birth of a spectrum.

Waved good-bye to my dien' days
with a racing mind pacing the woods,
and as that last second danced away,
a man was blessed with death as
the hands of God unlocked the gates.
-O_o Loving the closure, very Emotional in your Lines

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=274946
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=275064

---

This was overall a good decent OM atticus, nice to see you dropping and writing. Leave a feedback on my new OM "Three's a crowd" Link in sig.

^ Lol you better leave some more feed than that if you expect a nice breakdown from me :)

creative.

Shakespear feel , which is dope

overall a very dope piece man

This was great Atticus. First drop i've seen from you with such an impeccable flow. I think you should explore more into that. Your style has grown incredibly over the time I've known you here, and I'm interested to see how it develops further. My only concern is that you don't start sacrificing content for rhyme. That definitely wasn't an issue here though, you made it cohesive and everything went together well. One of the best reads in awhile.

My favorite segments:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Atticus

but rather, latter the Mad Hatter
from the rabbit's cavernous palace
to patternless grounds of valance
to decorate the stage of Val Halla.

Hollow feet follow eachother past east,
down the serene semi-round frown
that detached from a blown glass sea
of navy blue to meet with gold in piece.

Defined sections of their love streched on
along the lost skies shattered white eyes,
As from earth I saw the birth of a spectrum.

---

from the first 2 lines this caught my eye. it had hella imagery an it some metaphores. this was a damn good peice theys too much for me to go into great detail cause if i did that it would be the whole thing cause this was just great. it was more like a poem but it had that hip-hop vibe to it. that made this peice a whole lot better. but just keep doin ya thang man. you could be the best man from what i read. if all ya stuff is like this then damn you got mad talent. peace out man

Thanks alot for the love you guys... Bumping this in hopes of HOF, mehbeeeeeeeeh? :)

........ Bump

pretty good piece nice poetic touch..
nice metaphors. original content.
your multies were sick...
and you stayed consistent with it
and didn't loose your meaning
which is always good.I was also impressed
the way you went about the topic.
Was this image in my head that of a green
tree...with adam and eve bleh..just trying to
say is that u painted a dope picture in my head.

"Takes that last step left of sane
and dances the fence that intersects
two hemisphere of queer from the brain.
Started there, deceiving ones self meaning
to transcend reason and land pardoned
...................... In the Garden of Eden."

dope content here...seriously good imagery.



good piece fam stay writing.

Very very nice piece.Pure dopeness to the max.I have been looking at a lot of your pieces and you always seem to keep it at top level.As I said to Bounce,you and him are a big inspiration in watching you write because it always is dope.This piece had everything,creativity,imagery,grammer and structure it was brilliant.Your opening was very impresive and after that I knew it was going to be clear ailing from there.Great drop bro and keep it up

Quote:

---

That last withering blink sinks
into the grasp of linking lashes
and said never again will this iris
dance in such a glimmering fashion,

---

Beautifully wrote bro, idk how you do it but the mental imagery you put into this was absolutely amazing. Your flow stayed on point for the whole way, and I cant imagine how much work was put into this.

Quote:

---

Closes his eyes, gulps three times;
tries to lose his sight as the light
pries through loops and writes lines
along side the wide end of his noose,
as he resumes a fast descent through
the brain's metal chutes again
....... to conclude in hallucinogens.
Takes that last step left of sane
and dances the fence that intersects
two hemisphere of queer from the brain.
Started there, deceiving ones self meaning
to transcend reason and land pardoned
...................... In the Garden of Eden.

---

All I can say, is wow. The way you portrayed the message was aesthetic, like you can depict the level of the peice. You brought it down on this one, the conclusion of this stanza was unpredictable. This whole piece was unpredictable. You deserve something more than 26 feedback posts. You deserve OM HoF, you definitly do. I hope to see many more masterpieces from yourself again, maybe we could get together and write something tremendously capricious.

Atticus, wow. Great great read. Your transitions were immaculate, honestly. You desribed this vividly and you never left the point you were getting to. I was sceptical at first, because I have seen many a piece done like this before but they have never been to the uality that this is. The way the man, the focal point of the story, was described to have gone to this "other place" was mint. You didn't make any part of this, unimaginable. You kept a sense of reality, but with a euphoric feel. Its as if its believeable. It was a fine you tread but you have written this probably perfect.

Defined sections of their love streched on
along the lost skies shattered white eyes,
As from earth I saw the birth of a spectrum.

Atticus, you hold a rarity.. which is writing briliantly in metaphor. Keep striving and writing because you ahve to keep something that makes people like me want to keep reading what you write. Props again.

Atticus

You are very poetic with your words.
You also have deep meaning they way you
go about the order in which your words are placed.
It creates great imagery...Which is a great breath
of fresh air...

I definitely loved the metas and consistancy.
You are someone I'd like to collab with .
Anyways your style differs from most which
is positive..


SORRY FOR THE CRAPY FEED EARLY
I WAS IN CLASS LIKE I AM NOW LOL.

BU MY PROF CANT SEE ME LOL.

Wow..Just wow.. Ive never really seen an OM like this, It was kind of like poetry. Great creativity, it set the stage almost perfect, but you dont really get it till the end. Vocab was great, which for this peice was very helpful, but I had to look a few words up, especailly this one (hallucinogens). I think you've broken my barrier of feed, this was almost beyond words besides great. At first, I did think it was poetry, but then I noticed it was in the OM forum. Great peice, here were my faviorite lines:

Hollow feet follow eachother past east,
down the serene semi-round frown
that detached from a blown glass sea
of navy blue to meet with gold in piece.
The two interlocked, as blue rocked
its new love to sleep, then the two stopped...
Locked lips fast in a fit of passion
as the two both fell to yellow grass limbs,
and upon Blue's last thrust he knew...
Kissed her cheek and whispered, "I Love You."
Defined sections of their love streched on
along the lost skies shattered white eyes,
As from earth I saw the birth of a spectrum.

This was an outstanding peice. Great job, I give you props.
Keep writing at this level.
I would nominate it, but it started in Febuary.

Hit my sig.. "God Why?"

yo fam this was the first piece ive ever read from you and i am very impressed...this was a very hard piece to construct i admire your persistance and wordplay...very deep...ill be looking foward to more pieces to come from you..in the meantime can u check out my piece http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=277943

Damn, thanks alot for all of the feedback everyone. And, Young, you're going to have to leave more feedback than that if you expect me to leave anything worth a read on your drop.

dope as fuck, told you on aim what i think so yeh.

surprisingly, i dont think i've read an OM written to this topic
never before have i read an OM that flowed so nicely and read so easily lol
your style is so innovative and creative and your writing has matured alot since the last i've seen from you. i love the opener....really gets the readers attention and makes you think, yea..this kid knows wut he's doing lol. but actually, to tell the truth, throughout the first several lines of the piece i wasnt quite sure what u were trying to say. i got so many different meanings from it, some vague, some descriptive. but as i read on til the end i THINK i finally got it lol

Thanks for the love you guys

Booooooooooooo @ not returning the favor

:(

ight...
this was a very good piece, but i felt that it showed a brilliant poetic side, so this isnt really the right place for this drop
the imagery in this drop was really good
eg.
That last withering blink sinks
into the grasp of linking lashes
and said never again will this iris
dance in such a glimmering fashion,
but rather, latter the Mad Hatter
from the rabbit's cavernous palace
to patternless grounds of valance

the structure in this piece was good, but i felt that the flow was a bit not right for music, but really good for poetry
the rhymin in this drop was gd throughout

as i sed, this was a good drop for poetry, but it wasnt really in a rap style, but apart from tht it was a good drop

keep writin :2thumb:

Very nice, I loved the way you pulled this off. Poetically sound, and smooth due to the great choice of words. Very nice in meter and just great use of style here. Strong content, your concept's what really raised my interest, strong display of skill. This was a welcomed change from the shit I;ve been reading as of late, wonder how well it did in PS... Or if you posted in PS at all. Great writting man, love all the better writters coming back into OM. Keep them coming...

Thanks alot for the love. And na, I didn't put this in the PS forum because although it has strong poetic quality it really is an OM, and the rhyme scheme is made for a beat so that you can pretty much flow it however and the revolving rhymes schemes will do all the work for you. I've got a concept in my head right now that I'm pretty excited about so hopefully Ill stop being lazy and get that done within the next few days. Thanks again for the feedback.