Shes gone...

yo,this is ma 1st ever piece in open mic,so it aint going to be that hot but we all gotta start somewhere


Hook: shes gone,she aint coming back no more
how ever much you pray she aint eva come back through dat door
she is no more 6 ft below da floor

1/She gave birth to you,cared for you,looked after you
when she was here,you had no fear of her leaving ur world~she was ur world
ur star,your sun,you light she always did you right
your 1st day at school,she was wid u every step of the way
you was young you tought shed always be by ya side,never go away~she picked you up everyday without fail
in sun,rain,snow or gail
BUT NOW...

Hook: shes gone,she aint coming back no more
how ever much you pray she aint eva come back through dat door
she is no more 6 ft below da floor

2/i grew older got other intersts,i started 2 fink i didnt need you no more.
now after school i started going to the pool with my friends.
i thought she no longer cared but little did i know she was always standing there.
watching me move on
she thinks i forgot how she brought me up..little does she know that i appreciate everything she gave me,everything i got
BUT NOW....

Hook: shes gone,she aint coming back no more
how ever much you pray she aint eva come back through dat door
she is no more 6 ft below da floor

3/as we grew,we started 2 part,i didnt like it wen she wud lay down the law
we wud arque,fight....almost turn into a brawl.
we never spoke,then u turn around nd tell me were broke
i didnt understand,everything seemed so perfect
our rowls must of took effect.
you told me you cudnt cope,you were resorting to smoking the dope.
i walk back from school alone,remembering the times you were by my side~fuck how did i let it slide?
i open the door.walk in school bag on the table
sat there just waiting for you to come through that door and put things straight~~i cudnt wait~everything was going to be so great
i walked upstairs nothing seemed right
bathroom door open
SHIT,there she is sprawled out on the bathroom floor,i guess this is out punishment but what for?

well at leastshes gone to heaven
fuck it,MUM IMA MISS U 24/7

Hook: shes gone,she aint coming back no more
how ever much you pray she aint eva come back through dat door
she is no more 6 ft below da floor

please can ya drop me some feedback,what u fink of this ?

come on drop by nd leave a feedback would be much appreciated

as ya ent got no feed so far i thought i might aswell leave suttin...
i was feelin this piece stil but ya need 2 work on ya structure, & ur wording but as u said its ur first so its kool.. if u just continue 2 improve then u'll get there.. i liked tha first verse.. but on a real dow all ya lines were mostly stretched.. but keep at it aiite hun...1

dis drop was nice i kept wantin to read more of it just fix a couple lines and u got a hit

cheers man,
ne particular lines u reckon need 2 rewrote?

ne more comments?

Ur piece kept ur reader's interested...u just need 2 work on ur structure.
It was cool 4 ur 1st OM, just fix ur structure & u'll b good-2-go.
U really created an image 4 us & that was the best part.
Props on using ur xperiences, they make the best flo's.
I liked ur Hook the best, it helped 2 tie everything 2gether.
Keep postin

Chk my OM if u got time. I'm new 2 it 2 & could use HELPFUL feed. Gracias!
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=270190

lol, owned out wid the song :D

/james batty LOL

nice 1 m8 :P

aight jus work on structure its quite bad but not that bad keep elevaring nice for your first peice...

cheers 4 all yall comments
thanks much appreciated

still welcoming more :D

yo this piece was aight...nuthin really rhymed tho which is kinda ehhh...also you need another bar in tha hook for it to sound rite...otherwise, not too bad for a first tyme...
6.5/10

cheers
ne more comments please drop em

yo hoime..good shit..i liked it i got into what i was reading and thats always good..but like people before me said..ya lines become stretched..and ya structure is a lil off..but if you work on that youll be straight..stay up and keep practicing..~1~

you need some elevation on your flow okay work on droppin a better flow along the line and try to come more creative it was okay not too bad you just need to work on structure n flow basically as well as vocab skills

ok,
the Flow was There but to me it was a lil hard to find
i like the Story u was telling
I Felt ur Pain in a way
Wordplay was not bad but not Great Juss Good
Like I Said the Flow was a lil Shaking
The Body was OK
7/10 work on Da Flow and You'll be Str8

dawg it was good main i liked how you hade the whole song down cho. and all but work on your structure a little and it'll be real good...and vocab... overall i think it was iight 7/10 keep it up B...holla

naw i didnt like this work on your wordplay and a list of other things i cant point out becoz of ya wordplay keep writing cheers

...lol...nyce drop kiddo...i know wutchu goin' thru my gf just broke up wit me last week...shit's crazy gawd...

nice work dude i like the 3rd verse the most

this peice was hot you do need to work on ya structure though. but other than that it was pretty good. i liked the way you layed out ya rymes an it had emotion in it that always makes it better. so could you return the favor an leave feed on this.
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=275757