I'll Say No More.

http://i13.tinypic.com/85wovgo.jpg

I'll Say No More

Aside a mountain top. Big house or not. Tragedies roaming..
Where pain has progressed to death. My mansion is lonely..
Noise echo’s throughout the empty room. I’ll Say No More..
As darkness creeps below my feet. I close my chamber door..
A blatant roar up comes the stairs. I hear the stopples pounding..
My chamber door blows open. As constant wind surrounds me..
I lie on my mansion’s throne. Thinking back, my life was lies..
As I sit, my groan continues. I began to hear the lifeless cries.
No ordinary noise. Feeling dizzy. My vision blurred some more..
My life began to flash. As I know these screams Ive heard before..
I start hearing words some more. I go to close my chamber door..
Turning the lock as hard as possible. As blood escapes the floor..
Coming from beneath my chamber door..
.............................I speak, I’ll Say No More..

Every night, in my empty mansion. Lonely, I sit with my wealth..
As the dead knock down my hollow walls, I live by myself..
Theres no feeling I felt. Theres no way someone’s helping this..
I lie in front of my fireplace. Upon this haunted residence..
Heart having outstanding tenderness. Theres no help or hope..
Sitting alone upon my fireplace, I sip my rum and coke..
Terrified, on my quilted throne, I see shadows are floating..
I grab the arms, and hear a “creeeeep,” as the window was open..
Frantic noises continue to fright me. A screech, as if a claw..
Footsteps upon the hall, I hear a rattle along the wall..
Creeping open, not standing tall, I go to close my chamber door..
And then a “BOOM!“..As puddles of blood would take the floor..
Coming from beneath my chamber door..
............................I speak, I’ll Say No More..

Every night in my empty mansion, the noises creep my core..
I hear a screech, open my door. As a body hit the floor..
Lying there, lifelessly. My own self in a state of stunning..
As his back was turned to me, either my brother or cousin..
Hearing an ignorant humming, he was lying there dead..
As I noticed he was bleeding. I pull the dagger from his head..
As tears wanted to explore my cheeks. But why even bother?
As I put my arms around his neck. Noticing its my father..
Before I was a hundred bucks. Feeling now as if Im poor..
The tragic noises consume my breath. Feeling the horror..
This night, terrifying. Heart attack. No longer will I be bored..
As I take my fathers corpse. And gently lie it on the floor..
I go an close my chamber door..
........................I spoke, I’ll say no more..

......I'll Say No More......

-H2O'

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...=263797&page=1
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...29#post3822329

Enjoy.

Beautiful storytelling, It was real good and it kept me interested and it just went so nicely in my head. The story stuck well with the picture and you delivered it on point. It was a really good read. The verses hiding the identities was indeed a very smart move, and though not getting too personal, which is good as it didnt dwell off into trying to make it personal and deeper into the story. The conclusion was great, and tying the verses in what seemed to be what takes a few minutes into two perspectives was really good.
Great Piece

Thanks alot.

damn...good piece...i liked the way u put a picture at the top and stayed on point in the storyline wit that picture...shit was hot....word play was a big on this one too and your chose of useage....good piece again nothin i can really say that was bad about it....only good things so thats a plus....keep up the work

wow..................I'm type-less

Thanks alot guys.

this was a good ass piece, through every line there was a story in it, well put together, the wording & everything was good, i was able to see everything that u wrote cleary in my mind, it was a well explain story, had alot of felling to it, the story lines itself was dope, dope piece & keep doing what u do homie

-blacksilence

Thankyou sir.

Leave links, I will get to them.

Word, you told the story flawlessly...it had everything a great piece needed, i was impressived with your imagery. you made the scene vivid in nearly every line....also you were very good with wordplay, and wording of the piece. Nothing seemed forced it seemed extremely professional and well put together. I liked the repetitiveness of the ends, that made it seem much more important....I thought this was a well told piece, that had internals,wordplay,good vocab..etc...and overall was a perfect write (im wondering if you got the idea from ... "The Raven"

Lol. Well, I am a big fan of Edgar Allen Poe. And, when I was writing it, I found myself making the story in a way of "The Raven" with the way I worded some things. I guess you can say it gave me an idea.

Thankyou for the feed.

Thanks for the feed guys.

Awesome.Loved the flow.The multies were ok,but i liked the way the flow went and the vocab you used to make it look,and sound good.The structure was cool,and i liked the smooth and easy to read storyline.The imagery was nice and the emotion was deep in a way.The syllables in each multie you used looked like it matched up with each and everyother one.That was good.

Over all i liked this piece.Unique style.To me definate nomination.First nomination in like 2 weeks or something.

Thanks man.

this was real dope man good job 9.5 out of 10 DOPE NEZZ

Thanks man, alot?

Thanks again guys.

the flow was epic, and the multies were over one syllable so it made the flow great, also, htis had great storytelling, and awesome structure, good topic, the imagery was very very very nice and the emotion was deep, for the most part, the conclusion was dope, great twist. keep writing

hit up my piece "Racism" link in my sig.

Thanks alot for the feed man.

I'll be sure to check out your peice.

good pieace wording N's structure was decent creativtity was decent Imagary didn't really have none but this was good 7.6/10.................keep writing N' lmao at the pic.

I guess you really didnt grasp the concept in here, or the metephors. And "lmao at the pic?" Its not funny, its depressing, and the man is terrified holding somebody he loved. I guess its just the imaturity some of you kids have. Its ok though, thanks for the feed.

that was real good man, you expressed real good lyrically...

Thanks.

This was a pretty good kid, I liked the topic and how you didnt sway from it, Good read keep it up

Def post this in poetry...
Storytelling is good... maybe got get in RSTL to hone the skills...

Work on some rhye scheme variations and such

wow really amazing story ya got there..flowed really well and just was really well written...good topic choice too

That was dope. Amazing imagery and storytelling. Move over slick rick. This was very poetic and I loved how you made the story connect by each verse. Very nice man, great flow, good to read. This is what I love seeing, and how you ended it perfectyl. I guess Ill say no more then.

Wow............Just wow.
At this peice.
It's really good.
Felt it alot.
Keep it up.
But eleavte on the wordplay a lil.
G/L to future work.