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Darkness Every Where!
Woke up and there it was,
Killed my bro and my cuz,
I cried cuz of what it took from me,
Now it has hit my limits....it's the enemy,
Woke up to darkness and dead bodies, Why did it happen to me,
there was pitch black fucking copies, who's the fucking enemy,
I thought that death was coming for me, i huess it changed it's mind,
Enstead it swallowed every thing around me, I went deaf and blind,
I thought i had nothing else to live for, I guess i was 100% wrong,
I heard a voice and it came from heaven, It sang a beautiful song,
I knew right away it was her, My future wife here to save mi life,
every thing was a blurr, Yet through the rain i saw her handing me a knife,
She said "Take your life and be free to me", I thought for a Hour,
I stabbed myself in the heart my soul was free, She gave me a golden flower,
Woke up and there it was,
Killed my bro and my cuz,
I cried cuz of what it took from me,
Now it has hit my limits....it's the enemy,
Enstead of going to heaven i fell into enternal darkness, no not hell,
There was no light at all it was completely sparkless, then there was a bell,
I heard a voice but it wasn't hers, I wasn't alone.......not at all,
Thens the floor i was on collapced, It was a vert long fall,
I couldn't tell where i was images on the walls, I admit i was scared,
I landed into a dark water, once again i wasn't alone....I glared,
There was a atleast 50 foot shark circling me, I was gonna die,
The water lowered until i was on land, the shark turned into a fly,
The darkness left me, I was in my own bed,
I was no longer free, And my sheets were red,
Woke up and there it was,
Killed my bro and my cuz,
I cried cuz of what it took from me,
Now it has hit my limits....it's the enemy,
My wife was dead on the ground, Cops were around my room,
I looked at one and frowned, I killed her and i was gloom,
I went to a mental house, Enstead of a jail they said i was to crazy,
I was as stiff as a dead mouse, In side i was 100% blazy,
Took 5 different pills, they said the darkness was my personal boogyman,
"The Darkness Kills", I told them every day they said only i can,
One day i took my shower, And looked streaight up to the sky,
The roof was gone, darkness was every Where and i wanted to cry,
I fianly let the darkness swallow me, i'm sick of fighting death,
So as it took me away, i held my final and most precius breath.
Woke up and there it was,
Killed my bro and my cuz,
I cried cuz of what it took from me,
Now it has hit my limits....it's the enemy,
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Word, Nice Piece Kid....Liked Most Of It, Some Lines Coulda Been Worded Better, Remember, After You Write, Go Back And Look At The Line, And Think If Theres Anything Better You Could Do For Wording...I Liked The Story Tho....Concept Was Kinda Played Ish..But You Made It Nice...
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LOl Thanks bro.
Can you maby join my crew.
Never mind you in to many arn't you?
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not bad..........not bad
topics abit played but still a iight track
Fav lines:
Took 5 different pills, they said the darkness was my personal boogyman,
"The Darkness Kills", I told them every day they said only i can,
i got a few friends fightin' demons themselves at the mo' an one of them said sumthing like the frist line 2 me the other day.
I fianly let the darkness swallow me, i'm sick of fighting death,
So as it took me away, i held my final and most precius breath.
i don't even know y i like that line but still.....................a good way 2 finish the last verse. jus a thought, but if u do record this try droppin' the last hook and have the last line echo an fade wit the beat, but like i said, jus a thought
overall it's a nice piece,abit long, which might b y no1 has bothered replyin'.
keep at it still an it would make a good audio ting.........
Pz
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good but not geat
work on vocab
flow was choppy at points
multies would help
u had some internals
good imagery
overall=good nice attempt
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this piece was good homey I'm feelin the topic, your flow was there, and good use of vocabs. Keep it up homey
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Really decent...by far the best I've seen from you. That 50 cent piece could fuck your rep up, so don't write anything like it again. And keep writing more like this one and you will get much better as you go. You put a lot into this and I hope to see improvements in the next month or two...Pz.
~Nash
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honestly, it needs to get more complex, its not that good to me, im not hating or nothing, but i think pieces like this should be better, storytelling wise, its the same as any other thing
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nice work cuz...i'm really feelin this peice...i like the subject that u hit on..and the wordplay mad it better...i'm not just sayin this cause we in the same crew either shit was on poin tcuz...keep it up
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Thank you riseing for both me open mics.
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this was nice here shorty. i liked ya wordplay, the meaning, vocab, everything. keep doin ya thing shorty.
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Aiight thanks.
Upping for all four of my om's.
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