The Devil Returns

I woke up in the middle of the night due to some strange sound
Rolled over in my and stared dow at the empty ground......
thought i heard a soft thump or a bit of faint click.............
Looked at the candle in my window, flame was gone only a wick..
and melted wax dripping down the solid candle stick......
I rolled back over in my bed and fell back to sleep..............
but suddenly something grabbed a hold of my feet............
I tried to kick free but the hands had a very tight grip.....
I didn't know who was grabbin me i just started to kick...
Curiously i suddenly glanced over the end of my bed.....
All i really saw was sumthin red which almost looked dead..
Furiously i bent over and grabbed the hands from my feet
The hands let go so i grabbed a sheet and covered it....
But the thing dissapeared, this was sum wack shit.........

The Next day, i saw on the news sum kid got killed.........
Found under his bed with a a bunch of holes, knife filled
Who ever was killing people was here last night......
and miust be highly skilled and knows how to fight....
I was getting nervous and i wondered if it would come back
I walked to get sum breakfast when i stepped on a thumb tack
I let out a yell and i was mad so i kicked it across the floor
It rolled through a small crack of the open basement door
Was it my mom? doing laundery or cleaning the room out
checked the supply closet and pulled the broom out
she couldnt be cleaning and there was no dirty clothes
Why was she down there...no one could possibly know...

Next, i crepped down the steps with a knife from the drawer
I was tryin to be silent but there was a loud bang from the door
it closed automaticly and i didnt touch it..i just continued....
I was just like "fuck it"....The washing machine was on.....
searched the whole basement i couldnt find my mom.....
I opened the washing machine door and it was a sick sight
It was my mother bein chopped up..the devil took her life
I wasnt gonna bare this anymore, people had to fight back
and i know for a fact..the devil wouldnt like that............
I droppped the knife and it clanged under the steps......
I couldnt find it so i said where the fuickin "knife at"
The i saw a red figure rise from behind sum old junk....
It was the devil.....he jumped up like he was ready to dunk
and seeped right through the ceiling..flew up for no meaning
I layed silence for a few moments and went up the stairs....
turnong the knob it wouldnt budge i was locked down here..
the lights flickered and they went out..darkness wasnt my fear

The door squeaked open and the devil screached at me.......
I jumped back, fell down the steps with no one to catch me
I hit my head..it hurt really bad..now i was bleeding............................
I said good bye to earth knowing that i was leaving....
but i ended up waking up in a hospital breathing...........................
i let out a loud sigh and it was very releaving...................
I took off the oxygen mask and talked to the nurse..........
my head hurt but then i saw sumthin worse................
I thought i saw the devil appear in the door way...................
Flicked on the TV and found out the devil was in norway............
I swear i saw him just then but i could just be my eyes playin tricks
I knew this for a fact this was the return of the Devil...
fuck him and he evil spirit he was a true rebel.................

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=261071
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=261974

work on ya multies, and ya vocab, and you would be an excellent writer, skribble, the storyline was good, structure and all that shit was aiight, just try and make sure multies/vocab.... thats what yo u have trouble with, if you ever take advice on the net, take that

oh, and this, hit up my OM Just Like Daddy, if you haven't

To tell a story through dialogue alone, is top notch. You had the content, the story, and the emotion. As far as structure goes, your piece was very lackluster; no multies, an unimaginative rhyme scheme, an okay flow. But the content itself was really nice. All in all, this was a decent piece bro.

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=262818

Return

Word to both them.
Even though i think it was pretty dope.
Your rough around the edges.
Keep droppin' for sure, makes ya better.
Drop some feed on my "In The Closet"

Nice wordplay and topic.
Liked the flow it was really good.
The structre was kinda bad with the long line you know.?
7.5-10 keep it up.
Hit up my open mic please.

ok..thanks all for feed..uppin 4 more

uppin........

yo whats up man this was tight. vocab was aight ( but i could care less about vocab ) and ur flow was pretty good, just work on ur multies and ull be even better and ive seen better pieces from u than this, but this was still pretty good. keep it up and keep elevating

thanks for the feed..uppin

wats multies

kill me
still me

^ those are examples of multies
you have the same last word
but the words b 4 it rhymes

still me
kill me

its rhymes....

nice one scribbs.. u really flowing off the grill lately..

first off tho.. I say you went overboard with the "I" word.. too much I this, I that , I went, I did.. there are other alternatives to look out for.. which is a tthing i always try to avoid too much repeating ish..
neway imagery was good throughout..a few parts could of maybe been worded a bit more clearer tho...multies was decent...some rhymes got a bit basic and somewhat predictable...
structure was tite...flow was consistant...last line could of been crafted a bit better..the rhyme seems a bit forced there like you rushed to finish it or something


good imagery and flow.... just cut out those irritating repeating words...



stay1

yeah hit up inside my head in my siggy yo

thanks and yes i got to the inside of my head one...uppin 4 mine

uppin for more

Next, i crepped down the steps with a knife from the drawer
I was tryin to be silent but there was a loud bang from the door
it closed automaticly and i didnt touch it..i just continued....
I was just like "fuck it"....The washing machine was on.....
searched the whole basement i couldnt find my mom.....
I opened the washing machine door and it was a sick sight
It was my mother bein chopped up..the devil took her life
I wasnt gonna bare this anymore, people had to fight back
and i know for a fact..the devil wouldnt like that............



Hot.

thanks man..but could have been a lil betta feed..but uppin for more

this was a good piece thing id tell you to do is not bold it. i think it might have been for the effect of the stroy so its alright liked the imegrey you used and liked the emotion inner rhyme could of been there a little more but it was on point non the less

ye jus elevate ur vocab man n u'll do great it wuz a decent piece. good flow n rhymin.

ok...thanks for the feed......uppin for more

nice drop
gd imagery
rhymin ws gd thruout
flow was mainly gd, but i lost it once - but ws ok wen i re-read it
structure was also mainly gd

i liked this piece, keep it up



felt i had to comment on this cos its a gd piece, and hasnt received much feed

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ~Skribble~

uppin for more

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i liked it

8.5 out of 10 ur an excelent writer 4 real

nice little story here, I think it was neither too long or too short, you conveyed your point in a reasonable layout. One thing I think you could have definately improved on though, was your vocabulary, it was just too simple for my palette, you would have gained alot more respect from me if you'd used more emotive language too, especially at the point in the story where the persona found his mom being brutally murdered by the devil figure, the way you described that event could have really been elevated, I think you only used one line on the subject, which made it seem a little insignificant. The structure was nice and the piece seemed to transition well, overall try to expand your vocabulary, not too much, but a few unusual and vivid words can really add body to an otherwise flat piece. :) Hit my piece up if you get the time, 'They Say I'm Anorexic'

thanks for the feed...i appreciate it....

goood man i thin i would give it 6/10