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Inconclusive
Destruction struck as his luck ran dry
hes stuck in life cuz the end cant die
Resides south of the tracks in all poverty
indesicive of future eyes, he stares properly
accordingly he still fleas with peers in trouble
yet mother still scratches the surface in double
shoulders unsquare so cheat left when he runs
heads on an unclear path leavin the rest stunned
illusions fuck his vision left by stars in the making
come to the fork unseeing, chooses left as taking
"pop pop"..cups his ears in the absence of silents
soccor riots uncompareble to the southern violence
science uneffective in struggle for his exsistence
ina single instince he bends from love to resistence
past was tense, future seems flinchless in pursue
sees his road shortening as younger kids curfews
spews the spirit of his life as if the reeper took it
books it as markings in life, to keep her shookin
Lays gasping for air as the spirit fades black
A dark outline hovers over him......IM BACK!!
my story is inconclusive as well as his life...hence the name
use your imagination :love:
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LMAO ummm dont care
real feed please
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It flows rather well, and you have great word usage, but the story feels broken to me. Sorta feels like I am jumping around in yoru mind from thought to thought. Overall, I think it is pretty good though.
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i really like the lyrics to this...the wurd play is crazy...it makes me wanna read it over and over again so i can really GET IT..jus like a good movie...i like that about..u kinda make it seem like he is gonna die when really he cant?...if thats the point ur gettin across then i got it...if not il read it twice more, lol...structure good, vocab good...all in all its well thought out and put together...
keep it up
-Shellz
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hmmm gud use of imagery i like it... niice vocabulary, n gud flo... keep dat shiiit poppin!!!
(*^^^ayo shellz delete ya pmz kid)
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fuck you and your dopeness..........j/k......this was a good read vocab was very good......visual was also great....but fuck you n your conclusion..i wanna read more....now make a prt. 2 or else.......n thanks for the feed on my om
Pz
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part 2???....how can i do that its pose to be inconclusive...hence the name lol....but if i figure a way to that ill do it
thanks for the feed
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I dug the progression of what you were saying, How your concepts transitioned into one another. That's what really helped this read smoothly. The air concept, the key/locked in idea. How you started with those and finished with 'em was dope.
Plus, the microphone, stage, metaphors was fresh. Nice drop man. It was interesting.
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umm thanks for the feed yall
uppin for more
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damn tum, this was dope. shit was nice. had the flow and vocab on point. and i see how everything tied into each other. that was really dope as well. your imagery, damn. painted a pic for a nigga and kept me reading the whole time, so that ups it alot, lol. still, keep this shit up and keep drop'n dope.
pz.
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dope tum, with the flow, the vocab was all targeted right wich made it clear of what yur talkin about, alot of people using poverty in there first lines but that doesn't stop that from bein dope, and word to untold it draws a picture in yur mind, it all comes together, nice work...pz.
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yo this was a nice piece are you sure you only 10 man you got some deep shit to be that young but keep at it man
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thanks for feed....uppin for more
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lmao naaaaaaw
im 4 real bouts ta be 17...but i like fuckin wit people lol
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lmfao... ^^^ jokah!
u got me finkin "10 yrz of age kumin up wit dat shiit" lol...
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lmao....its what im here for baby
lol
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lol... niice shiiit u wrote dow...
n dam! i'ma be 17 soon 2 kant w8!!!!
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thanks...yea 17s str8 i guess but im waitin fo 18
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dam bway! w8 til u 17 then 18...lol...
wen u turnin 17?
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febuarary...but a we cant keep postin here cuz its a rule in the OM thread so get at me on aim if ya want sn = Sachee
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Easy read.
Liked the idea had some good points, short and sweet. somewhat simpleplex(complex + simple)
good read, dont know what kinda feed u want, s'kinda short.
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thanks...up for moe please
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up for feed....:mad:.......:love:
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damn slept like a mug...lets go
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This was a pretty good read. Vocab and flow were great and the imagery was definately there. Wordplay was decent as well. This was simple yet affective.
Feed for the OM in my sig would be appreciated.
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shit was deep!!! i really feltwant u was sayin
good wordplay
keep it up son!
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i think that shit was tight it wasnt that the rhymes where out of hand but im a sucker for a dope story and the way you leave people to use their imagination is sick as hell keep it up homy
