What Lies Beneath Ft Issue

(Issue 1st & D.Zaster 2nd)


What Lies Beneath

I watch you from a distance, waiting for the instant to attack,
Minutes pass by limitless, I'm impatiently waiting to crack.
I snap and run towards you, force you down to the ground.
You call my name and I ignore you, my breathing is the only sound.
Your bleeding is constant and your screaming is honest but nonsence,
Your heartbeat is not in sync and it retreats to a hollow din,
I'm folowing your eyes as you watch me stand and stab you,
As you wallow in surprise, you cry to stop but I just grab you.
I drag you down the darkest valley at the side of the road,
I ask you where your heart is and why its beats silently alone?
You're gonna die on your own, and its the ultimate justice.
Lust is crying alone, but love is just this....
I wasn't your wife, I was your mistress,
I was never in your life enough to live this,
So now if I excercise suicide, will we be together?
Or will our lives divide, and I chase you alone forever?
Now I'm gonna bury you like treasure, my heart will be the map...
I will never ever forget, torn apart, you can always count on that.


(Months pass)


And now...
I sit back and relax, Finaly coming to face facts
I took his life, And not even God can replace that
Now my lifes completly changed, I gotta take it in my stride
Knowing this guilt trip,Is one that could keep me down for life
I took that Knife, Remembering how I stabbed and dragged
But now the tables turned, I cry knowing it was no mis-hap
Alone in this place, I regret what happened that cold night
As my world begins to fly past , I sit and hold tight
I shiver a cold fright, Wishing I could turn back time
People outside enjoying freedom, In here I lack mine
Surrounded by the dull grey walls, Being driven insane
I remember that night, him on floor, Screaming my name
A lone tear takes a stroll down my face, Tickling me
I regret what I did, Now im stuck wishing I was free
See, for what I did Ill be stuck in this prison for years
And my only way of saying sorry, Is by releasing more tears

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=259951
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=259927

tight piece yall...Smooth flow an nice topic...
Peace-1

:|

Upp!

Ok

Up

EDIT: you want me to leave proper feedback? fucking cockheads.

Issue - nice job here man, i enjoyed the peice alot, its too bad you left TT. the imagery and the vocab was nice, very understandable, but very complex @ the same time. ur flow was on point, and no lines were stretched, nice.

D - ok piece here. though it was your first or second time doing a topical/poetry peice, it was ok i guess. though we hate each other, keep writing and you'll get better at it. you could be an all around great writer if you keep at it, pz.

nice job guys, drop some more i guess.

it was nice i liked the flow and the body was tight good job

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Nostradomus.

Good job Issue. :)

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lmao


issue-your rhyme shceme was incredible the first couple bars... really nice multies were interseting, vocabulary was cool, painting an image in my head... the way you ended it was cool

cannabarz - cool stroy, i felt this piece had more imagery than issues, because it needed more... flow was pretty good, opening had silky flow, scheme is a little too simple though, it would be better with more vocab/inner rhymes.

I took that Knife, Remembering how I stabbed and dragged
But now the tables turned, I cry knowing it was no mis-hap

i didnt like that bar... rhyme scheme i just couldnt catch..

godd piece though, sorry t see you leave issue.... nice job, both of you

Agrees Wit Percept.....
Nice Peice Here......
Both Of Ya'll Did Ya Thing,
I Personally Liked D.Zaster's Verse A Lil Better, But Issue Did Good too
Nice Multies To Both...Imagery Was Good, Nice Story Line, Not Too Hard To Critisize
Rating-8.7...Peace
Peep Troubled Thoughts, lol i need more feed

Thanks to the tattered theory guys :), well Percept because Nos didnt give much feed but thank you for what you said, thanks to the other feed too.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Nostradomus.

Good job Issue. :)

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Your a wack fuck, fuck outta here. Biter

Up.

Lets not talk about biters D, speak for yourself.

Issue - Nice verse. It rhymed good. The imagery was nice and so was the creativity. THe structure was also good. The was good. Overall nice job.


D.Zaster - I liked you part. It had a lot of creativity, The flow and structure was cool. Overall dope job.

Both of you did a good job. It was a nice collab. Leave feed on my OM in my sig.

I will do.

Up

wow, i really liked this peice, you both did well.
can i point out some bits i liked and didnt?
Liked

Issue-
Now I'm gonna bury you like treasure, my heart will be the map...
I will never ever forget, torn apart, you can always count on that.

Loved the line, the flow and the idea, good job.

D.zaster-
See, for what I did Ill be stuck in this prison for years
And my only way of saying sorry, Is by releasing more tears

as i said with issue, loved it, especially the second line.

disliked

issue-
Your bleeding is constant and your screaming is honest but nonsence,
Your heartbeat is not in sync and it retreats to a hollow din

i thought you streched the first line slighly, and what did din rhyme with in the verse?

D.zaster-
I took that Knife, Remembering how I stabbed and dragged
But now the tables turned, I cry knowing it was no mis-hap

As with percept, couldnt catch it.

but apart from that, it was solid, look forward to reading more stuff like this in future

Not in sync - hollow din ... Its not all the cat sat on the mat ;)

lol

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Nice verse issue,i liked your alot.It was good.The vocab was ok,but the multies were nicebecause it kept the verse's flow smooth.The Vocab D used was ok as well,but coulda been better witht he multies.Structure was good too,and the imagery you both had was nice.The emotion you guys had was nice as well.This piece though had some creativity in differeparts of the verses which was good.


Check out my om"Signs".

pz.

WOrd.

up

^ You're banned?

Thanks to whoever left feed, Stuart will return replies ;)

Happy new years!