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An Over-Due Book
Over-Due Books
Sunday
8:12 A.M.
Woken Up, Dog Liking My Face, Hair Standing From My Neck To My Shins
I Hear My Alarm Clock Beeping From Hours Ago, “Oh My God I Slept In!!!”
Rushing Around The House, Screaming With Horror, “I Cant Find My Shoe!!!”
I Need A Miracle, I Cant Even Drive, And In 12 Minutes The Books Will Be Due
8:19 A.M.
Its Getting Frantic, This Bad Day Was Leaving Me Visions, Leaving My Memory Scary
~Flash Back~
I Was In 1st Grade, I Was Hiding In The Shade, With My Hand On A Sharp Weapon
Swinging For My Life, A Sharp Knife, My Brother Said Its There Fault For Stepping
-Reality-
I’m Running Towards A Dead End, I Think I Remember A Short Cut, To The Library
Shooing Down The Street, Feeling Nauseous, My Mom Was Right I Needed To Eat
But
This Wasn’t The Time, I’ve Been Saving Up, So This Hunger I Was Going To Defeat
8:27
At The Check-In Counter, Preppy Chick Working There, Just To Think She Had A Hyundai
All This Work Finally Pays Off, I Give Her The Books She Says,
“Finally You Aren’t Late, Good Job,” I Say “What?” She Says “The Books Are Due Monday”
8:30
Why Would I Do This?……How Could I Not Pay Attention
I Should Of Remembered I Called And Got An Extension
Walks Out Of Library
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BOOM!!!
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Ends Misery
Links:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=258745
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...80#post3646480
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omg........... this had the most twisted ending i have ever read. congratulations, but you sboullda made the longer to make the stryline unfold more. that'd make the ednig dopeasfuck
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Haha.....what a fucking topic..but you made it dope nigga.....i was like..oh great, this is gunna suck..cuz come on, who wants to hear about that..but you made it good....nice drop..and creativity, the flow and rhyme scheme was dope...stay up nigga
8/10
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lol @ u writing an om on the concept of an overdue book,....but it was still hot as fucc, crazy the flashbaccs of another your brother getting u to shank another...and how u were in a rush to get dem bookz bacc...lol...it was really abnormal but this piece it the type i like, it didnt jus scratch the surface, u shudda dug into the detail a little bit more tho, i wanted to feel what you were feeling when u had to shank dis dude, and the reality part was good but u shudda talked a bit more about the surrounding youve seen as you were driving to the library, and the flashbacc, like ive said u've left me in the dust...i wanted to sink my teeth into that but u only nipped it...ur concepts are great but try and make it a bit longer next time
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damn...nice drop
imagery - 8/10
rhymin - 8/10
flow - 9/10
like it - 9/10
overall - 8.5/10
change library if they do it by time aswell, not jus day lol
fuckin amazin drop, keep @ it homie
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Nice imagery... But work on multis.
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Awesome.I liked this piece.Very unique topic and nice ending.It had me a lil bit confused i had ato read it two times,lol.Well let me start off by saying this om was probabaly the most unique this month.The vocab was ok,coulda had more multies.Your story line was incredible.The imagery was nice too.I seriously could imagine me in this sittutation.
Go check out my recent piece.It wont be hard to find.
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Thnx....and word i'll hit it up asap
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You get props for the topic choice man, i like to see original ideas in om and its mos def the best aspect of a written piece. The imagery was so-so, you should focus on going into more detail on that next and then you'll hacve the 2 more crucial aspects down. Elavate your vocab, but don't go overboard either. Some multi's would've been good to see as well.
A pretty entertaining piece to read, keep on elavating and keep on posting.
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wow topic on this was really unique just weird also weird ending but it was good keep droppin
leave feed on my om what happens next
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thnx for feed....i'd appreciate if u left more tho
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Woken Up, Dog Liking My Face, Hair Standing From My Neck To My Shins
I Hear My Alarm Clock Beeping From Hours Ago, “Oh My God I Slept In!!!”
Best Lines was your openor. This was an ok peice, but I didnt like the storyline, it was kind of boring. Not much vocab or complexity here, pz.
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Man? The topic was original, you had hints of comedic ability and even some nice potentially well written lines in there, yeah this was a bit silly, but ti wasnt serious so who cares about anything else,
I liked it :) You made me smile and you came original, with a twist, and some nice words and stuff. It just show that you can potentially write a wonderful piece ;)
Nice work!
Check Anna Maria in my sig :thumbup:
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nice verse homie keep it drilling homie like the topic not many people would have choose the topic keep it up
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Wow Finally U Aint Hatin......Thnx......
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8 on a Sunday is sleeping in? It's funny that forgetting to return a library book brought on flashbacks of an unrelated event. Late fees aren't even expensive at libraries. Taking the piece light-heartedly, I guess it's alright. But if it was meant to be a serious piece, it needed more internal rhyming, and I wasn't feeling the ending.
