-
Death By Electricution
Death By Electricution
reflection mounted on the mirror, the faint image becomes clearer
cold whispers of death draws nearer, and the lighting that feeds her
.
.
Illuminated streaks burn timber……………………………….....
……………….as if it put numbers, on the yet vulnerable count-trees
One sharp glance out the window rioted his nightmares and memories
His fingers become unsteady, beer crashes the floor, his only remedy…
“Why must your heart separate from my soul like the locksmith lock an key”?
becomes delusional, on the balcony, rain washes his dreams an virtues…
“Mary, Life is worthless, the shine on the diamond is gone without you!”
The log cabin faded w/ harmony, as he became uncontrollable an relentless
approaches their spot of matrimony, where he purposed to what once was his
the lake was disrupt as if his rage woke the deep seed of evil in its rocky beds
“lord take my soul to keep, let my spirit go with Mary so our love can bond again
The fury of his fire gave birth to death an the emptiness buried with in its dark core
he drops to his knees he hears the whispers of his beloved an the image of her so pure
Looks at the ripples in the water an the view of himself, intoxicated with hate killing his health
Deliberately drenches himself underwater in stealth…………………..
…………as his ice cold soul melts
Trying anyway possible to eliminate his living corpse in drastic measures…..
As if he’s playing one inch to death, without the knife in between his dentures…
.
.
he feels as if he is being raised…………….
………looking up towards the sky, shocked from the lords rays.
Laying there lifeless on the coastal bay…………..
But with a living spirit rejuvenated from this day…
As the lord brings his spirit towards those holy gates………
…..Both him an Mary’s ruckus has been gone an tamed
-
didnt you just post this in a battle?
-
ya.... i thought it would be a good OM..
-
-
ic homie, iunno if ya allowed droppin it in here while the battles still open
-
-
-
-
-
yo we got the same ip but neways this was a nice piece...the wordplay was nice, flow was nice...imagery was there. i felt it no doubt. keep it up.
-
oo shit we do got the same IP.....thanks for the feed
-
Wow nice man, never expected it out of a newbie like you but oh well. It was nice, i enjoyed the read, and it was very nice. Peace.
-
nice read man it was just overall a pretty good peice cant find much to say bad bout it keep droppin
-
-
-
-
Meter was way too choppy, along with an akwardness brought on by your word choice.
You could have used better diction in this peice for sure. Many lines were hurt by the akwardness. I did not like your word choice, or the scheme you went with. You didn't develop the peice as well as it could have been, but not as bad as some of the newer members here. Lines were stretched and rhymes were forced, you might want to stick to a count and stay with it. You don't need to center everything, your strucutre could use some help too.
-
thanks thats what i call feed...
-
