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scared.
Fear.
What amiable cause makes the adjustments of letters an emotion?
Audible in an contained surface, like a shell, projecting the ocean,
How often does the controlled science of this word matter?
Making dividends of sands, so time pauses when a man loses his bladder,
How could a connection of oddly shaped figures keep a guy thinking it over,
Every time something goes "clunk" in the night, he glances over his shoulder,
How could the beating around the push blaze a trail to our answer,
In the heat of the night, serenading us, our fear is a slow dancer,
Why does a word, make a cliche out of the phrase, "Lemme alone"
Why does it make our nose allergic to the stench of death's cologne?
Fear.
Fred.
"These unlawful truths couldn't provide me with any second guesses,
I have control over myself, when my mind avoids it, fear lessens"
Fred wasn't one of the children from the same species, he was different,
Judging by the way he acted, his twitchiness was automatic; inference,
Daily route, catching the Manhattan D Train, this man wasn't to keen,
If there was a rift in his pattern, he would shun way for breaking the routine,
The way he saw it, life was ruthless, it wasn't an affectionist,
Yes, Fred was one you could stereotype as a perfectionist,
He would eat at the same restaurants, never change the keystyle of script,
Put the salt down on the icy crevices, to ensure his mentale wouldn't slip,
When life turned the clarity down on the big picture, he was cropping this,
It always seemed like Mr. Fred Glendon had the exact and proper hypothesis,
Until fear, manipulated the ways of the man,
Entering his body, affecting the insides and glands,
Fear's New Face.
I tell you now, the transformation altered a man's life,
The tunnel faded away, at the end there was no light,
You see, fear was channeled through this man into the other inhabitants,
And then they were challenged, just to be provided with another labyrinth,
Fred defected, and appeared as the predecessor to the throne of fear,
He was never the type of man, that would tailgate, drunk on pizza and beer,
You see the Fred Glendon I knew, was very meek and he was dark haired,
But paranoia caught up to him, I think it was becuase he was so scared.
Scared.
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...68#post3595168
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?p=3595178#post3595178
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damn this shit was good ima say the second verse was the best vocab to me was good and rymes was ill keep droppin
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I'll try and give you some feedback as nobody else seems to have. This is from my view:
I thought your opening line was contrived. Not that the idea isn't a interesting one, but your choice of vocabulary sounds strained. In fact, it seems as if you're trying to be cryptic and in the end it pollutes your message. I'm not even sure what you're saying really. Are you asking what experiences are worthy of our emotions/cause our emotions?? 'Amiable cause'?? Friendly cause?? Are you refering to the causes popular amongst the masses that evoke a reaction?? The 'adjustment of letters' doesn't make sense either, perhaps 'arrangement of letters', as I don't know any way that letters can be adjusted. I know this is a peotry drop, so you have the liberty to use words liberally relative to their strict definition, but when you stray so far it leaves the reader nothing to go on.
The second line I'm not so sure of either. 'Projecting an ocean', I have no idea what you're getting at. A shell is not an example of a contained surface, instead a closed surface. Your third line finally gives me something clear to grab a hold of, and raises a relevant question. Though I would disagree that science is controlled, I would say that science is both idealistic and speculative at once, maybe even forceful at times. However, its control is likely limited by our observation and reasoning which is true for just about any concept out there. 'Dividends of sands'?? What do you mean by dividend?? Time pauses as man pisses?? Again, I just don't know.
The next two lines are probably the strongest of this first verse. I liked both of the ideas they presented and you managed to keep the vocabulary concise.
'Our fear is a slow dancer' is also a good line, to me atleast. The line about some cliché I don't know a thing about, and I thought the death's cologne line was a cliché in itself.
It gets better from here though, the tale of Fred illustrates a good point or two. However, a few of the lines contradict one another. Namely, he would crop the big picture when it was no longer clear, and at the same time have exact and proper hypotheses. I would say it's impossible to have a hypothesis that can be shown exact without examining the entire picture, but he tunes out what's not clear. I would say that also contradicts him being a perfectionist, as one of those he would be working diligently to turn the fuzz to clear instead of employing an ignorance policy. It ends well though, with a good statement about the affect of fear on his rational.
The last verse explored his transformation, I don't know what to say about this that I havn't said about the first two verses. I think I understand what you're saying about him, that he's a shadow of his former self, he's closed off to the world. I think... I just don't understand how you're using the vocabulary.
I hate to have been so harsh, but I do so with the thought that with work you can write some very good peotry. I think the main issue you need to address is your use of vocabulary: if you dilute the meaning of the word too far you'll lose your reader. Ask yourself, is what you're writting understandable to someone who does not have the priviledge knowing your vision for the peom?
Keep 'em coming.
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Upping my old OM. Figured you might want to read.
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