Now she's gone

I See her and my lungs get full with emotional air
me and her connect like exstention cords and plugs
shes around my heart growls I get hungry for love
want and need her by my side like my two shoulders
never get tired of her she keeps me awake like caffine
her touch is warm hands attract heat sun light
skin is perfect she has a prodigy body genius moisture
takes away my stress evolves my heart into hers
her brain is techonology she thinks for both of us
she wants everything to be about me like a unborn son
my love for her will never fade it will just get darker sun tan
her name is printed into my soul with permanant love
I love her deep emotion uncryed tears unfinish love
pleasure kisses she is my friend my girl my guardian
and now shes gone


1st
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...4&page=2&pp=15

2cd
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...=250690&page=4

uppin ..................know its short but leave feedback plz

it was alright the vocab was pretty good the title was ok the topic was normal nothing to good but i rate it 6 outta 10 u couldve made it longer

im not sure on dis i think u were tryin abit too hard wit da imagery n it showed the rhyme structure was slacking. u had gd vocab but couldve done more with wat u do have. i feel wat u tryin to do but fo me it felt like it was all forced n jus abit messy.

i already critiqued it for you dude...

but this should have been in the poetry corner lol

Sounds more poetic rather than OM material.
It's deep and short. Not bad.

My fav lines were :

Quote:

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her brain is techonology she thinks for both of us
she wants everything to be about me like a unborn son

---

Keep on writin. :2thumb:

Too short.

more feed

too short maybe, but i liked it alot, keep up the good scriptures and i'll keep lookin for you. stay up

upp

uppppppppppppppppp

you were on the right track with this piece...you just like 'flow conductor' pointed out tryed a little to hard on the imagery...it had the potential but u lack the right aspects in alot of areas..and if ya want some proper feedback you should post these poetic pieces in the poetic scriptures

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uppin for more feed

uppin...........

................................

way too short...this was an iight drop...topic was iight...imaginary was fgood...vocabb was aiight not that complex but had sum good vocab here and there..rhymes were good not simple all the time had sum good rhymes...iight drop overall keep elevatig...peace

thankz......

.........upppp

uppp