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The Mountain
THE MOUNTAIN
Try to make it to the top of the mountain
A bunch of people try to make it ,but endin up diein...
But people say "oh well","at least they were tryin"....
There is one thing you need and it is to have right gear
You have to be brave and have no hesitant fear.......
I havent climed in over a year...and i'm very-very rusty.
i got my niggaz trusty and the wind is very gusty......
It is very hard to mkae it to the top, it must be........
You must follow the safety rules, never climb alone.........
The animals that lurk in those mountains are unknow
But i aint gonna find out, my climbing time is postponed
And plus the wind right now is like a fuckin cyclone
Today is the day me and my homiez are gonna try
before i got my gear on, i prayed i wouldnt die.....
I had y eyes sharp and glanced up once in a while
its been a bit and i tryed to smile, we climbed a mile
and i was gettin a pain in my ribs and it hurt.......
i could feel the peicing pain through my shirt......
We stopped till it was gone and we moved on..
we left at mornin we rested at dusk and went at dawn
I was gettin sleepy and i started to really yawn...
Then i dozed off and dreamed about mowin my lawn
I woke up at a sudden crack and then a shout
i looked up and tryed to find out what it was about
The shadowy animal was comin from the south...
I could see a very sharp set of teeth in it's mouth
I was the second from the bottom and i was scared
So i got out my gun and aimed, i was prepared...
no one else cared except me and the leader.....
Chills went down my spine, colder than a meter..
when you see no red line goin up, i'm freezin
i felt like i was gettin sick so i started sneezin
I could hear the animal breathin and it screached
Then it took it's claws and looked up and reached
It grabbed the guys foot and pulled him off the line
We all climbed up knowin it was everyones time..
We jumped in a cave on a ledge of the mountain
Snow started comin down it like a fountain..
we all huddled up and took out our guns......
we aimed at the openin or even to run.......
I bet that animal weighs more than 10 tons
it was huge, the claws were like 2 feet wide
should i run and hide?, i couldnt decide..........
I had to finish the monster before it kills us
I aimed at it's head then started to bust
i got everyones trust and total respect..
we clmbed to the top, what i'd expected
i knew in my mond we were gonna make it
When i said before when we werent.....
obviously, i was gonna fool around and fake it
Now everyone is safe from that mysterious thing
All of a sudden i saw it fly above us with wings!!!
THE END
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nice content in this peice.. the structure was put toghether well.. sometime it thought your word choice was a little off but the vocab was decent...
lines like these ones threw me off a little
I havent climed in over a year...and i'm very-very rusty.
i got my niggaz trusty and the wind is very gusty......
but other than that i enjoyed the read... seems like your getting alot better... comming up with some cool story lines... good work keep it up.
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thanks for the feed...i appreciate it...uppin 4 sum more
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yeah i diddnt like that very very pushy line much..but all in all a nice pice .. cool structure rhyme scheme was dope..lots of coo rhymes in fact..
had some susoense to it so it mos def kept me reading...text was set out nicely..a little bit of overusing the "I" word to start so many lines as there are a few pther options worth trying at times... vocabulay was fine and worked well for the most part
so yeah an entertaining dope drop
stay upz
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the topic nd da lyrics wer interestin. the rhymes wer gud nd so was da flow. i also lked da endin. so overall 9/10. i hve seen sme of ur comments given 2 other ppl. can u commnet on mine 2? cause i strted recently so i need sme to improve maself.
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thanks for the feed i appreciate it...uppin for sum more
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I like an original topic, and this was an original topic. The problem with the OM was the imagery you used. You need to go into more depth with the whole thing. You should work on your vocab so you can paint a stronger picture. Some multi's would really help the flow of the piece along as well. The ending was kind of abrupt and should've been expanded on. You get props in my book for trying an original subject though.
Keep posting, keep elavating.
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thanks johnny and have a good time on tour....peace
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yo, c'mon uppin for feed, i'll return the feed, leave linkz
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The story was interesting, at first I thought it would be a metaphorical mountain. I think that would be too cliche, so it was better this way. It seemed that you put thought into the plot, planned out what would happen. Maybe not the final line, but that was interesting as well.
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iight thansk for the feed i appreciate it....
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yeah i like this peice it was creative and unigue not alot of people who rap on this type of topic but u pulled it through man, it was a real nice peice i must add again, in an overall of ten i give this an 8 aight son good verse, im lookin forward to readin more of ur joints aight
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thanks homie..i appreciate it...uppin
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skribble can u hit this topical battle for me please good looks if u do and i was thinkin that i should take my verse and put it on open mic, heres the link homie
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=250629
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I liked it man. This was creative too. It reminded me a lot of Beowulf when he fights the monster. Good vocab, good flow (there were times where I stumbled on words... might've been me, hah), and overall a good drop.
