Demetria H. King: life story

This is a sorrow story of the young child Demetria H. King
Very talented love to go church & praise God also loved to sing
her happiness came to end when she had to watch her parents burn
After that moment scarred her life she took the prostitute turn
She had no heart in her system she was just motionless with life
Took the anger and fault on her self slit her arms with a sharp knife
A 15 year old virgin turned around gave it up to a 27 year old
Decided to move into his home then her life extremely went cold
He beat er and didnt feed er made her clean til her body ached & dropped
Had er on the corner even in the lightening rain until a car stopped
Began to suck and fuck half the niggaz in school lopst all her respect
Had to come home and obey His words while his strong hand gripped her neck
Rashes & burns of blood on her genitals she didnt know what it meant
Caught Chlamydia the doctor reported she had it to teh fullest extent
Still taking the beatings still in the strip clubs gettin raped
7 niggaz from her class fucked her & her secretely video taped
They showed the whole world sold them on the streetz for porn
Crying with pain each night realizing in her bed her entire life was torn
Demetria started on crack was caught up living in crack shacks
looked her self in the mirror wishin she could bring her parents back
Diagnosed with full blown AIDS she lost her mind and went mental
locked up in the institution her body slowly begin to deteriorate
to chain her down to take medicine the doctors neva bothered to hesitate
got a hold to a knife at dinner time and stuck it str8 through her heart
felt she mine as well die instead of lying around to watch her lifetime depart

^^^^^^ leave honest feed. the flow might be a little bit off but i was slightly rushing hit this up hope youa all like this
hollah

Deep concept you did a good job with the story but it seemed as if you rushed this piece. I think you should write a little back story to the piece cause the structure needs it. But i like reading deeper om's and this had a good concept your vocab was good could of been upped in certain places to get more emotion out but i was still feeling the points you made in the piece.
Your imagery was solid you described the girls feelings and thoughts etc maybe you could of mixed in a metaphor or two this would of added a bit more complexity to the piece. The flow was ok a few multies could of been added to add complexity to the words but i liked the piece faults and all.
The only thing i could say to you is keep coming with the deep concepts but take your time with them so you write the best oms you can, peace.

Yo shit that was tragic, na i meant it, aint bein funny. It's quite true of mostly what happened in America in the early 90's and maybe whats still happenin' around the world toady.
I reckon this was propa deep and emotional, however it also felt as if we were bypassers who were looking into a moment or a lifetime of a young girl.
Keep it up, don't matter if u male or female, when your good your good and i reckon your good

thanks for the feed back........ uppin for feed

this was a deep pieace, it wasa okay topic, but when u rapped, it made it seem better, u used good vocab, it had a nice flow to it, really like this pieace

Leave feed on my OM
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=244928

^^^^^^^^^^ thanks for the feed uppin this for feed

upin for feedback on this shit..............................

Just saying...before I comment..that you need to get 2 links in here or a mod will close it up....post 2 links that you've left feed on in open mic inside here....

Ladie...Honestly I enjoyed this piece...It had a good plot to it and the rhyme scheme was nice...Structure was kinda all over...some lines stretched some not...But you backed it up with nearly perfect flow and a good story line....Seemed really sad :(...true story? If not then you got some creativity skills...I'd Enjoy doing a collab with you and a couple other people...You're Pretty Nice, Again Good shit...

Peace,

~NaSh

^^^^^ thanks glad you enjoyed it. you come with some good om's as well hope to see one soon

Cool Songs...Lyrics We're Cool Didn't Feel The Vocabulary Here..Kind Of Basic But Who Care's Emotion Was Really Dope I Like This Piece Alot Keep Them Dropping..Hey Check Out My Song

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Ladie...Honestly I enjoyed this piece...It had a good plot to it and the rhyme scheme was nice...Structure was kinda all over...some lines stretched some not...But you backed it up with nearly perfect flow and a good story line....Seemed really sad ...true story? If not then you got some creativity skills...I'd Enjoy doing a collab with you and a couple other people...You're Pretty Nice, Again Good shit...

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i agrree^^^

~ladie_streetz~ , oouch... Pretty descriptive story... You really got deep with it and it sparked some emotions inside my stomach.. The words are picturized in your writting... I hope this isn't a true story though... :cry:

oh nah this is not a true story just some shit i made up glad you enjoyed it
uppin thiz for feed nahmean

Well that was a nice read, i really liked how you started this story and gradually build it up to what it was, it made alot of sense that way. And the imagery was on point, easy to understand and the flow i thought was pretty good. I like reads that make me feel for whats happnin and your emotion did that really well, structure was flawless. and overall, i give this a 9/10.. culd ya return tha feed on "i'm sorry" in ma sig.. thanx

^^^ thankz for the honesty glad you enjoyed it i will return the feed in a sec thankz for checkin this out

3 days with no links left?

Closed.