The Hunger The Outcome

I posted up this verse about 6 months ago and it recieved about 5 replies ive been going over a lot of my old rhymes and i think this piece was pretty fucking slept on. Nobody took the time to read it and actually take in the story so im posting it up again ive made slight changes to it. Oh yeah all the people on here who think im all about sick metaphors and punchlines need to read this and see i can do deeper shit. Dont Sleep On This Piece.

The wallpaper is torn away like the Feelings In Her Heart
The life she cradles in her arms was Fiending From The Start
The womb contaminated by a poision in the Worst Way
If the guardian is helpless then of course the Curse Strays
Her affliction is uncontrolled so no Saving A Cent
Degrading and desperation reasons for Paying The Rent
She opens her legs up for twenty minutes then the Men Speak
Call her a slut then laugh this is how she makes the Ends Meet
The rent money is now available but the bastard Grabbed It And Fled
She chokes on her tears not cause of pride cause the Habbits Not Fed
The life she lives Maybe Mean, But as soon as the Baby Screams
She still doesnt seem to respond to reality this aint a Crazy Dream
Beat downs and broken hearts is the only World She Was Given
All she sees is a breathing burden when the Girls In Her Vision
Old associates say 'Its so sad' words under their breath the Rest Say
She exits her duties gets her joy from a neighbour she'll pay the Next Day
She returns home puts the product on top puts a Lighter To The Spoon
Her moods are so savage six months ago she put a Knife To Her Womb
Her arm is tied up then proceeds to jab the Needle In The Vain
NOW contemplate if shes really Free From All The Pain?
She lays back with no sound as it screeches through her Blood Stream
Her mind resonates with the words i dont love this addiction but it Loves Me
A gush of wind from the open door wakes her from her Short Coma
She looks around the room with a sharp view her Thoughts Over
She only held one thing sacred, to kick it the Bitch Wasnt Able
In a Sorry Pose her Body Froze the baby was Missing from The Cradle...

this was great
you came with some good images painted from it. i loved the beginnin. it was worded pretty well. the flow was tihght but it could ahve been better some lines shortened at times n such. the creayivity was hot i could picture this through out as i read. the vocab came nice, some shit was baisc but you put enough into ya shit to make it hot. topic was honestly great, you really brought out the feeling from that subject


Her affliction is uncontrolled so no Saving A Cent
Degrading and desperation reasons for Paying The Rent
She opens her legs up for twenty minutes then the Men Speak
Call her a slut then laugh this is how she makes the Ends Meet
^^^^^ loved that, very real and most peopel can understand that hsit because some mothafuckaz deal with that shit in real life, you brought the realistic life terms to your verse and i love real shit
keep it up

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=237849
honest feed back on my callab please

Links:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245009
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=244739

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245028
hit this up, the shit i jus dropped i'd appreciate the feed

Shit u and ladie streetz are havin an awareness day or somethin,
Jokes aside, i reckon taht was deep and was probably slept on casue dogs couldn't handle jealousy, i reiterate waht i had said for Ladies OM, casue both the themes are the similar,
Stay up and dig some more bones and find any other good OMs ya got

tight drop, had a really good flow to it, i could really see it from a point of view, used good vocab in it, the strutrue was good, the topic was wierd, liked the way u made the wierd topic a good one

Fav Line
The life she lives Maybe Mean, But as soon as the Baby Screams
She still doesnt seem to respond to reality this aint a Crazy Dream

This was a really nice piece. It was entertainin to read cuz you took a topic like this and you wrote about it with great emotion. The flow was pretty good to say the least. At times it would be off to me but overall I recognized it and it was clear. You had the multis to spice this drop up. I always look for multis. You had 'em throughout your whole verse. Props. Vocab matched the topic. Nicely done.

Fav. Lines:
"Her moods are so savage six months ago she put a Knife To Her Womb
Her arm is tied up then proceeds to jab the Needle In The Vain
NOW contemplate if shes really Free From All The Pain?
She lays back with no sound as it screeches through her Blood Stream
Her mind resonates with the words i dont love this addiction but it Loves Me"

^^I liked how you ended it. It was simple but very real.
Overall this was a piece worth reading. You kept my attention all the way through.
8.5/10
Keep droppin and stay up.

I appreciate the feed im logging off in 5 minutes so im uppin this before i go.

this was great
you came with some good images painted from it. i loved the beginnin. it was worded pretty well. the flow was tihght but it could ahve been better some lines shortened at times n such. the creayivity was hot i could picture this through out as i read. the vocab came nice, some shit was baisc but you put enough into ya shit to make it hot. topic was honestly great, you really brought out the feeling from that subject

Uppin.

yea homie that was dope, one of the best i seen so far, everything was good about, but if i could change one thing it will be to make the lines a lil shorter but it was real good tho ::hand claps::

that was dope. props for this piece. it seemed like you really tried hard to make this good. i can't understand why this was slept on.

How about someone tell me what they actually like about the piece and what they dont. Two lines of feed? Whats the point?

Yo that piece was aight... it needed a little work on the structure but the rest was good... i liked the story and the end had a nice twist to it... you explained everything nicely and it all made sense... the rhymes and multis was pretty good... vocab coulda used a little bit more work but all in all it was aight... imagery and creativeness were alright, kind of a played topic i've heard stuff like this quite a bit but u did very nicely on it... keep it up man ima keep an eye out 4 u

return tha favor plz... links r in the sig...

good looks

Uppin.

Did you have a nice sleep? Now reply to this.

yes this is quite good.. shining with some poetic lines
reads pretty well as a story. with decent imagery painting the picture
much better than most of the nonsense on this page
the long line flow was held together well
coo rymes
stay up
pz

i liked this pice.. good use of multies and although the lines are a bit long, the syllable count was good and i think this could be spit nicely over a slow beat.. You managed to hold the topic and i like how you didn't let the multies force you into using words that dont fit with what your sayin (i see people do that all the time) I thought this shit was pretty raw here

She returns home puts the product on top puts a Lighter To The Spoon
Her moods are so savage six months ago she put a Knife To Her Womb
Her arm is tied up then proceeds to jab the Needle In The Vain
NOW contemplate if shes really Free From All The Pain?

The multies at the end of the lines tie it in nicely.. with the addition of more internals you could really bring the fiyah... overall good read.. and if you could drop a vote in this battle id appreciate it (ill post the link).. shits gettin slept on like a mufucka...peace

votes appreciated homie

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=245426

This piece woz deep, respect atcha 4 this, the other shitz js depressin..I knw therz been alot of hatin goin on wid ya mate n i probably provoked the other memberz 2 but if ya stoppd feedin us wit dissez n gave us a little respect (as in a bit of positiv feedbak) maybe there wudnt b as much hatin on u n ur work..Does that make sense? Ur rhyminz good Anyway overall am glad ya feel 4 them hoez lolz

Appreciate the feed uppin.

dope as hell, i like the wording, topic pick was good, and the flow that went wit it was good, i was interested in it alot, keep at it.

Yeah, this was a memorable piece. You got good vocab and a nice word usage/ word schema good on here. Perfect length to this piece.... Sad to hear you only got 5 replies the 1st time around... This time is different...

:)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Word.Play

Yo that piece was aight... it needed a little work on the structure but the rest was good... i liked the story and the end had a nice twist to it... you explained everything nicely and it all made sense... the rhymes and multis was pretty good... vocab coulda used a little bit more work but all in all it was aight... imagery and creativeness were alright, kind of a played topic i've heard stuff like this quite a bit but u did very nicely on it... keep it up man ima keep an eye out 4 u

return tha favor plz... links r in the sig...

good looks

---

^You're a fucking idiot buddy, this was brilliant


Man , i have been a fan of you for a while altho i havent read shit from you in a while because i retired from open mics and shit....But wow man , i would love to hear you're audio ....You have imagery which is awesome , just a fine ass detail of explaining what you mean which the content is beautiful....DOPE PIECE

This shit was ill man , and you deserve all the props in the world.....Keep on moving with it and i would love to hear you're shit in a studio...Stay up man!

Lmao, @ him callin you a fuggin idiot.

Appreciate the feed nice to see people appreciate my deeper verses as well as the crazy punchline pieces. Im gonna do a demo soon i just need to make time for it.

The wallpaper is torn away like the Feelings In Her Heart
The life she cradles in her arms was Fiending From The Start
The womb contaminated by a poision in the Worst Way
If the guardian is helpless then of course the Curse Strays...

this set a tone that can easily be led to imagine in a way the placement of emmotion here almost makes the reader become a first person perspective.

Her affliction is uncontrolled so no Saving A Cent
Degrading and desperation reasons for Paying The Rent
She opens her legs up for twenty minutes then the Men Speak
Call her a slut then laugh this is how she makes the Ends Meet

very graphic and realistic i can picture women that have had to make that choice im sure this is easy to relate to. From this point and beyond you actually make the intro lines seam so weak. in that sense of the term i must admit as a topical peace you sell the idea that this was you though i know its not the realism in here dons its own mind and life.your writting is beautiful even though this was a horrid slap of reality.
i must compliment the talent you have.

Im just gonna keep uppin this piece.

i liked the story and the end had a nice twist to it... you explained everything nicely and it all made sense....vocab coulda used a little bit more work but still dope...it had a buch of discreet imagining....i really learned alot from ur approach.......dope drop keep up tha nice work.....Pce fam

wow, nice, i felt you man

Thanks For The Feed Uppin Again.

Ive replied to loads of threads so im uppin this again.