~The Last Day~

Wake up in my bed remembering all the details of yesterday
The day that I left everything and was taken away........
Mama led me to the porch...with a tear streaming down her face
Telling me she'll always be with me but in a different place
I looked at her holding her tightly praying for everything to stay the same
The overcast sky covered the whole setting as the car slowly came
The car came to a gentle stop and the man opened his door
I didn't want to leave because its been me and ma since the age of four
As the man stepped out mothers grasp gently released my hand
Feeling like I was let go like...wind lifting and blowing the earth's sand
The man came and asked me to come with him as I sat on his car's seat
Each tear ran down my face as mother disappeared at the end of the street
Praying to God that he'll take me?wondering why it was me that had to go
Driving away feeling like I?m kissing my life away...as I stare out the window
The man in the front tries to cheer me up but it doesn't work
Leaving my turf behind don't want go...so wishing ...leave me in New York...
As we finally leave the city my tears shorten but my heads still down
Still thinking about Ma as I see my new house and the new town
Pull in the driveway as overcast turn to rain...and I'm dreading this place
The family steps out still overwhelmed but I manage a smile on my face
My new mother smiles and gives my a tour of the place the call home
Showing me my room...and I drastically wish I was back in my own
I walk in and fall on the bed and see a pillow and I burry my head
Wishing I could see Ma...because right know I'm wishing to be dead
Having my head in this pillow...I cry myself to horrible sleep
The thunder sound and light up the sky as the nightmares creep
The worst sleep of my life...still reminiscing about being taken away
My eyes open as the sun streams through and I realize that it?s a new day
I sit up in my bed feeling better...and what life will throw at me next
Maple's smell runs through the room and I remember Ma as I head downstairs

Yo nice stuff man This was a very good drop, complexion, vocab, flow, it was all there homie 9.5/10, keep dropin

another sick drop by you man, you got sum sweet rap skillz, i'm very impressed...flow was smooht...strcuutre was even, enjoyable to read, rhymes were very good, vocab was here and the topic was very interesting, i liked this drop, overall 9.0/10...keep it up and keep droppin

aight thanks I decided to go to my serious side unlike jerry springer I dont know what to say for the feedback stuff but just give me feedback on this thanks.......

Ups

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Uppinnnnnnn..

structure aws nice. vocab was smooth, imagery was there and multies were nice aswell.... keep it up vocab was on ponit too,... try centering the font to make it look better

peep just my luck

New York and work don't rhyme. The structure fell off in a few places, and the text was small to try and make it seem not quite as stretched. You also repeatedly used the word 'head' in these lines:

I walk in and fall on the bed and see a pillow and I burry my head
Wishing I could see Ma...because right know I'm wishing to be dead
Having my head in this pillow...I cry myself to horrible sleep

Probably should be 'towards a horrible sleep' or something to make it sound better. I didn't like the wording so much, and the topic was mediocre. RTF on my piece 'Pile of Iron', it's worth the read.

upp......

Eh, this was a nice drop. It was easy to rhyme. Some of the rhyme scheme is iffy, all depends on the accent. keep posting.

yo guy i give tht 10/10 good complexion, vocab, flow and the rest

i wouldnt really rate this too high, very simplistic... the only thing i could give positive feed on is the story telling, the imagery was ok, but you need to improve in alot of areas.... flip it round a bit, make the scheme more interesting, shit like that

aight, still uppin..............

...upp

i wasnt feelin this piece it was stretched
out and the word play was a lil too simple
the story was good but the rap was simple
work on multi's and vocab
5/10

This drop was deep. Good topic-the first line caught my interest and you held it through the piece. next time you might wanna use a bigger font though, kinda detracts from the rhyme havin to squint. Good imagery, i could almost see what you were describing. 8/10

oght thanks everyone and champ#1faggotofRB your just pissed cause i said you need to elevate.....

You need 2 links to 2 open mics you've left decent feedback on or this will be closed. Read the thread at the top of the forum if you don't know how.

up..