hero for a day.

Topic
You are walking. You see a young girl (13-17) being raped by two older men. You yourself aren't a big person, and are intimidated by the looks of them. Do you help her, or go on as if nothing ever happened???


jenny's 14 with an old soul, she's been denying the answer
which is that her beloved father is slowly dying from cancer
and as she set out to visit him for his last chapter of life
who knew disaster would strike? here's what happened that night..

..exactly one year earlier..

me? i'm either too nervous to bleed or hurt and deceived more
i daydream about death cuz i can't find a purpose to breathe for
i feel so hopeless i close my eyes and all i see is a trigger
chronic depression from being diseased, i'm in need of a liver
atop a mountainside, gun in my mouth, yea i'm about to die
it's almost over, suddenly i hear a distant shout and cry
i should end my life now but i, have to wait till later in time
for someone might be going through a hurt that's greater than mine
out of the car, it's then i realize that as hollow it seems
my existence might be worth something, so i follow the screams
was always told not to wallow in dreams, but tonight's greater
i turn the corner, it's now or never, my chance to be a lifesaver
as guys rape her the fright shakes her, i'm scared to lose
two huge men, i'm only 5'8 when i'm wearin shoes
far as i'm concerned my shit is done, but you won't see this nigga run
i ain't kiddin son, so i jump on the back of the biggest one
the other two throw me to the ground, i feel my face as it aches
still it gives this girl the opportunity she needs to make her escape
i'd give anything for her to live, i'd pass on if i must
and with that said, she vanishes instantly, gone in the dust
god if i just, could get away too, please hurry this shit
i don't know how much longer i can take this flurry of fists
they're furious, pissed, i cried and they slowed
taking off in their car, leaving me bleeding on the side of the road
i awake in a hospital room with a doctor clearly walking
looking in my eyes he inquires, "can you hear me talking?"
i told him i could, then i thought i saw the dude shiver
as he informed me, "a man here offered to give you a new liver..
..you see i wasn't gonna tell you, but i thought it better you knew..
..oh, and also, the man who donated it left a letter for you"

to my anonymous friend:

"i give you this as a gift, now you may just wonder
why i did, and it's because my days are numbered
be grateful from this moment, make sure your time is better
i hope you remember me, cuz you'll be in my mind forever"

and then, on the page engraved like a potter..
it read,
"p.s., you're a brave man. thanks for saving my daughter."

..

links later. be patient plz.

Since this is seperate from the ya battle wit the biter, then NOW it could be nominated into legends.

Was feelin the narrative aspect of it more than anything else. I loved how u started it off talkin bout her pops in the beginning and at the end it ended up being your saving grace that he was dying. The twist in the topical is one of the best I've seen since BTK's topical. The imagery was dope too, the whole thing had a lot of detail behind it. Really feeling this peace here, bout to give it a nom in legends.

The description of jenny in the beginning set up the verse well. I liked the phrase "old soul" because she had been through her father's health problems, had to help take care of him. I suppose that her father made it another year, if the opening couplet is to be taken as the present. You put an extra guy at the scene than the topical told you, I thought maybe that was going somewhere. Having the main character want to commit suicide previously was alright. It wasn't my favorite part, but it gave his life worth when he saved her. The letter at the end was nice.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=239411

Quote:

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Originally Posted by _Mercenary_

Since this is seperate from the ya battle wit the biter, then NOW it could be nominated into legends.

Was feelin the narrative aspect of it more than anything else. I loved how u started it off talkin bout her pops in the beginning and at the end it ended up being your saving grace that he was dying. The twist in the topical is one of the best I've seen since BTK's topical. The imagery was dope too, the whole thing had a lot of detail behind it. Really feeling this peace here, bout to give it a nom in legends.

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I'm starting to think that you either are Lay Doubt or you're a serious dickrider..because you nominate everything he drops for legends.

This was good, but this wasn't legendary. First problem: You're white, don't use the n word. That's just my pet peeve. The story was told very well and I liked how it flowed. You don't seem rusty to me.

god if i just, could get away too, please hurry this shit
i don't know how much longer i can take this flurry of fists
they're furious, pissed, i cried and they slowed
taking off in their car, leaving me bleeding on the side of the road
i awake in a hospital room with a doctor clearly walking
looking in my eyes he inquires, "can you hear me talking?"
i told him i could, then i thought i saw the dude shiver
as he informed me, "a man here offered to give you a new liver..

^This part was cool..liked it..very smooth

Overall this was a good piece, the content was developed, etc.

But this wasn't legendary. Topic is very cliche and nothing made me go 'wow' but it was good.

Pz.

this is hella long but i got to say it was worth the read, this drop was very interesting, rhymes were good, complexity was good, strcuutre was also good, therte isnt really anything that isnt good in this drop, good topic and overall good rap skillz useed, great drop amn, keep it up

definitely was feelin' this. I can get down with any narrative that's well put together, and this was especially well put together. Vocab and flow was very consistently above par, and the story had all the necessary portions of plot to make the complete up and down of the spectrum.

very hot shit, one of the better reads I've had lately, props mayne.

one.

also, if you could check out and/or vote on this battle I'm tryin' to get wrapped up one way or another, I'd appreciate it yo. s'all good, either way.

yo i like that shit ur vocab was there ur structure was there ur complexity was there everything was great u gave details and everythin man i wass really feelin that joint, yo believe imma be lookin forward to seein more of ur drop aight man keep up the good work

Ill edit this with a reply.

Just showing that i came, i just aint got the time. But ill reply later iight kid?

this shit was tight

first off...you got the poet shit goin...you seem to be able to take words and flip em n switch em how you wanna to make the shit ryhme in a way that makes ya shit sound tight too...

ya structure was pretty much perfect and on to of that u made it a lil different by puttin lil captions above the verses to set the scene up

this shits also crazy b cuz its not self-absorbing shit like most people write raps too...it dont talk about yourself at all and i like readin a story better than read someone rap bout how great they are

9/10

v/in as i said earlier.

lol @ people nominating this for legends but not om of the month.

yo this shit was a nice peice i felt the imagry and the topic is a good topic i liked the intro that was nice this shit was long but i enjoyed reading it i look forward to reading more from you i give you props everything fell in as it should and it looks like you should put these vocals on a beat if you do i wanna hear it

lay still that nikka wit the rhymes.

i pictured this as i read, a great deal of imagery. the way the story was told was perfect, had me on some IT Dance with the Devil type of shit. the rhyme scheme was great, the flow wasn;t too bad, could be better though, a whole lotta feeling could be seen in this piece, i give it a 10/10 simply cause i didnt get bored through any part of it, and the story had a lot of meaning.

WOW...i'm speechlesss....................................... ............

Damn Lay, you came with one of the best OM's ive read in a minute!

First off your rhyming and flow were untouchable after the middle kicked in. The rhyme scheme just took it. Your imagery was so perfect. You never went off or confused the reader. You kept up the emotion and didnt fall off at all. The storyline was insane. Your intro definantly helped the whole piece. I cant see any flaws except for your flow wasnt as great in the beginning as it was in the end. OM HOF for October by far.

Hit the link in my sig and RTF

god if i just, could get away too, please hurry this shit
i don't know how much longer i can take this flurry of fists
they're furious, pissed, i cried and they slowed
taking off in their car, leaving me bleeding on the side of the road
i awake in a hospital room with a doctor clearly walking
looking in my eyes he inquires, "can you hear me talking?"
i told him i could, then i thought i saw the dude shiver
as he informed me, "a man here offered to give you a new liver..

Damn.im agreeing with nique on these lines very smooth
I like how you went about doing this topic
Nice overall. Everything from top to bottom.

Lines were tight, Imagery was ill.

i think it could be OM of the month..

Quote:

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Originally Posted by .Nique.

I'm starting to think that you either are Lay Doubt or you're a serious dickrider..because you nominate everything he drops for legends.

First problem: You're white, don't use the n word. That's just my pet peeve.

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by .Nique.

I'm starting to think that you either are Lay Doubt or you're a serious dickrider..because you nominate everything he drops for legends.

First problem: You're white, don't use the n word. That's just my pet peeve.

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mercenary is not me and i don't know why he nominates so many of my drops into legends.

and lmao @ you getting upset cuz i used the "n word".. yeah, I'M white.. but the person in the story wasn't. that's the kinda racial over-sensitivity that annoys me. it's like.. i'm so blatantly not using "nigga" condescendingly in any way, shape, or form.. yet you're still taking offense to it. it's not that big of a deal. listen to 50 cent - many men .. "i don't say only God can judge me cuz i see things clear.. quick these CRACKAS will give my black ass 100 years" or w/e? bet that didn't bother you did it? yet what would happen if eminem said some shit like that about "niggas"? there'd be riots. so plz, it's a double standard.. if you think it's a racist word, then it should bother you no matter who says it.

This piece was very inspirational... It triggered emotions as soon as I briefly read through the piece. It was very captivated and I could almost feel as if I were in the same place as the victim... Very good drop...

Explained in dopeness, this was dopeness of all dopenesses to be explained dopenesss into dope.

This was pretty good. I'm new, so I don't know if it qualifies as "legendary" by this community's standards, but from where I'm sitting it was captivating. I won't say that it was GREAT, but it was definitely good.

Oh, and it's pretty fucking badass that you have the character refer to himself as a "nigga" because he's black, even though you're not. If we've gotten to the point as a society where an entire race of people can't use a certain word, even if it comes through the mouth of a charcter in a work of fiction, I don't want to rap or write poetry ever again.

word to you finite. good looks dawg.