Flowers

fuk this shit..

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=230904
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=234933

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This was a good piece, the only thing i didnt like about it was the flow you had a lack of multies in the piece so it wasnt as complex as it could of been.
Example this bar had a nice flow:
'Task to test the metal, and to pass the time'
'Try to bless your dental, with a glass of wine'

Try and keep most of your bars like that the flow was real nice but a lot of the couplets in the piece were way too basic. But this was still a good piece because of the concept it was original so i like anything thats pretty original.
Your vocab was used very well it helped you write some very good descriptive and emotional imagery it was a good read. The structure was fine so overall a good piece but the next piece you write think of another original concept keep that flow more consistent and your verses will improve.
Keep Writing And Keep Posting.

Return the feed on my last Om:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=236625

Okay i had to read this through to the end to understand anything you were saying.. sorry, but if you do that then you shoukd foreshadow what your point is. Lead me to the end, instead of pushing it in my face you know what im saying? That way i will understand it more. But ok.. now that i understand it - here.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by This Aint Beef

If life is the journey, then death is a blessing,
Something worth earning, not worth missing,
Simple start.. nothing wrong with it. Death mentioned. Nice, poetic feel to it - good.
A life worth risking, because death is eternity,
Too much pain for listing, a waste of energy,
Hmm.. Keepin it simple, which isnt bad. I dont understand the third part of this stanza, 'Too much pain for listing' - what does that mean in relation to the rest of the 2 lines?
Signified in anniversary, determined by fate,
Branch on the learning tree, leaves are a date,
^Nice imagery, nice rhymes. Dragging on a bit, there seems to be too much of a link between all of these lines so far, i dont know what it is - but (IMO) i get the feeling your saying the same thing every line.
A path to the gates, to be outlined by petals,
Dependant on traits, where forever to settle,
^Nice imagery again, keeping it simple which is good for this piece.
Task to test the metal, and to pass the time,
Try to bless your dental, with a glass of wine,
I didnt fully understand the point behind these 2 lines, i just assumed they were saying the same thing as the rest and building up to something.
Wish to amass a shrine, to show recognition,
When that ass was mine, and life was heaven,
^Nice similarities. Imagery is ok...
Ceased by suggestions, forgiveness in roses,
Find peace in questions, witnessed in doses,
Same as before, im not feeling anything from these lines.
Next the story closes, but with missing pages,
For the path we chose is, one with crevasses,
Nice link between descriptions, this created the most understandment for me.
Lost within a maze, seeking out the garden,
Trapped and left afraid, within this margin,
Hmmm, not really linking to the rest really.. I can see what you mean, but it doesnt slide with the way you described in the other lines.
The clay did not harden, beyond our power,
So tragically taken, gone from sweet to sour,
^Nice wording. Good.
Left to mourn for hours, not a chance to save,
Where I now place flowers, upon your grave.
The final point is too simple put i think... 'Upon your grave', with the rest of your piece, the simple way you put this stood out to me because it doesnt as well as it could, but none the less, its a good piece.

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Nice work, keep it up.

pretty good here homie... very vivid, you paint a good picture of what your talking about... only people that shouldnt get this peice are simple bitches, good drop homie...

Thanks for the feed guys... I will definitley take on board what has been said. Lookin for more.

Bump

Come on guys......................................

:shoot: I keep telling these niggas that its my time to shine, only 16 and u cant even tell he in his prime//but watch as the youngsta put these lames behind em,and now the major labels cant even wait to sign em//u wouldnt know about his age because the boy so smooth,he trying to move up like GOERGE and WESSIE and start acting a fool//i cant but say man the boy is a Genuis,and if u give him the rap game {shit} he might just change it u gotta feel my shit :flipoff: :hail: :box:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Boogey Man

:shoot: I keep telling these niggas that its my time to shine, only 16 and u cant even tell he in his prime//but watch as the youngsta put these lames behind em,and now the major labels cant even wait to sign em//u wouldnt know about his age because the boy so smooth,he trying to move up like GOERGE and WESSIE and start acting a fool//i cant but say man the boy is a Genuis,and if u give him the rap game {shit} he might just change it u gotta feel my shit :flipoff: :hail: :box:

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Why did you do that?

Come on people.......... bump......

A path to the gates, to be outlined by petals,
Dependant on traits, where forever to settle,
Task to test the metal, and to pass the time,
Try to bless your dental, with a glass of wine,
Wish to amass a shrine, to show recognition,
When that ass was mine, and life was heaven,

^^I like

this was pretty good, some good thoughts in there, nice lyrics, flow wasnt bad, multis were good at times, and it was a smooth read, not boring, kept me into it. alot of quotables in this too. so props to you on this, it had a good feel. the topic was cool, i didnt expect it to be approached the way you approached it, "flowers" made it think it was gonna be gay and shit, but it wasnt I enjoyed it, keep writting, I'll keep an eye out for your stuff.

Hey thanx alot. I was thinking it might be the name that put people off. Is there anything specific you would lke me to feed in your archive? And mo feed would be nice guys.

good piece
u really showed me wat u was talking about i lik it alot ups for that

yo rap started good i think u should learn to keep to the flow 4/10

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mcbadboy

yo rap started good i think u should learn to keep to the flow 4/10

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Yup............ and you need to learn how to give feed...

BUMP

Last Bump yall.... drop me some feed and a link...

u were lacking some flow but other than that it was good