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...Gone...
Hope...To be in her world,
Faith...Stomachs swirled,
Prayer...Life's uncurled,
I take the moment to revitalize my Uttermost fear,
That my woman would reject me now and here...
But as faithful as my woman is she walked to me..
Said baby I love you and I'll never leave you, See?
So I take her to the movies and we miss the whole thing,
Driving the road hoping her mom doesn't start to sing,
She loves me I now belive that I've had a life long dream,
The church took my sins...lovers long ago it would seem,
Past lifes like our lives have existed and now remembered,
God took her from me and insisted, I feel I've been 'Septembered',
Hope...Exists no more,
Faith...Opens no door,
Prayer...Loved never before,
Her eyes shined like stars and I wished she'd come back,
I just wish the lord would cut the sadest person some slack!
I'd truley thought I was happy but I guess god is a fake...
He seperated us as if we were inside an abnormal earthquake,
For fucks sake...I wished our love could replace all the lies,
I wish we could've kept going...instead of pickin up some fries,
The car swerved...We flipped and turned until' we were upsidedown,
I cared nothing of myself, when I saw her I first felt the Frown,
Blood seperated us..degrated our souls...enslaved our life long roles,
To be eachothers partners...we paid the tolls, Traps were dug.......
..................................It was as if we were surrounded by moles,
Hope...Full of hatred,
Faith...Slightly over-rated,
Prayer...Lives are debated,
This is the ending of my story of love...Best not to love at all,
If you ever loved a women...you'd know more about my downfall,
I resigned from my life as a friend...I resigned as a husband....
I resigned completely and just put my life to a sudden end,
I couldn't take the thought...I'd rather sit in hell and rot...
My decision wasn't hard...My love could never be bought,
I Left the broken body where it lay...Ran out into the street of day,
Stopped in the middle on the way...Then Felt a large pain and delay,
Tainted love...don't play with good lives god...can a new day dawn?
Look around you...you created the mass of evil and hatred..........
........................................You killed the good lives...they're Gone
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i like dis homie... good feleing adn depth....my only complaint... find dif fways to say sumthin like... wen eva u tihkn of a line think of three more ways u can say dat same exact thing... dat will help ur complexity and rhyme scheme better... but all in all good verse.. maybe up vocab a tad...
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yeh I used lazy words...didn't feel like thinking....lol...Thanks uppin for more
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uhm!! pretty good writing.. sum of the wordplays and rhymes seemed a bit strange and diddnt really appeal to me much...had sum good character about it in the content so its def got sum interesting points and clear scenery
keep at
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Upp 4 more feed...*thanks*
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Uppin 4 feed lets get some pointers please...
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this piece was pretty good too from you.The only thing I think you need to work on is emotion.You had a good storyline and wordplay in this one.Also you had a good structure too.The Imagry was on point too cuz I could picture where I was at in the verse.But keep up the good work homie.And just keep on writing you'll get better.
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Upp.......THanks for feed..gimmie more
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i like the flow and the structure was amazing
ur rhymes were really effective
i like the cours
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It Had Some Pimp Flow And Structre And I Liked The Vocab Keep It Up.
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wdf more please?? comon fucking sleepers...*DIE*
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I was expecting this, but this was good. It was an enjoyable read, easy to connect with. You approached it well. It was a quite a predictable story, but it was also quite a generic topic to write to, so I think you've written very well here. It's always nice to see new writers coming out with decent stuff, you've got a lot of potential it seems... If you need anything let me know... Remember I'm a new writer too..
Good luck..
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Alright thanks man...I've been writing a while tho..alias was banned...I'll keep elevatin tho as everyone does....Thanks for the feed...UPP!
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i was feelin this, the flow was nice.. lol everythin was nice..
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10/10 its gushing emotion man, just thats all I can say.......great
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Uppin............................................. ......
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it was good, but make ur font bigga lol
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Hey this was some pretty good shit man. I was feeling the while thing. You stuck to the story, which is good. Honestly, you could have had a little better wordplay, and creativeness there, but it was good, dont get me wrong.
Past lifes like our lives have existed and now remembered,
God took her from me and insisted, I feel I've been 'Septembered',
Hope...Exists no more,
Faith...Opens no door,
Prayer...Loved never before,
Her eyes shined like stars and I wished she'd come back,
I just wish the lord would cut the sadest person some slack!
I'd truley thought I was happy but I guess god is a fake...
He seperated us as if we were inside an abnormal earthquake,
Im not sure what it is..but i thought...^....these were you're dopest lines.
Tainted love...don't play with good lives god...can a new day dawn?
Look around you...you created the mass of evil and hatred..........
........................................You killed the good lives...they're Gone
....dope closer....
so overall, pretty good piece here, i was really feelin it. i like your om's, they're always dope, keep it up. one.
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Thanks ^^^...this was a long time ago you realize that lol...I'm better than this now...Thanks for the feed. UPPIN!
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Hey man that was pretty good, keep it up...
Lines I was feelin':
"Hope...Full of hatred,
Faith...Slightly over-rated,
Prayer...Lives are debated,
This is the ending of my story of love...Best not to love at all,
If you ever loved a women...you'd know more about my downfall,
I resigned from my life as a friend...I resigned as a husband....
I resigned completely and just put my life to a sudden end,
I couldn't take the thought...I'd rather sit in hell and rot...
My decision wasn't hard...My love could never be bought,
Those were probably the best lines of the whole verse imo.
Lines I wasn't feelin':
"For fucks sake...I wished our love could replace all the lies,
I wish we could've kept going...instead of pickin up some fries,
The car swerved...We flipped and turned until' we were upsidedown,
I cared nothing of myself, when I saw her I first felt the Frown,
Blood seperated us..degrated our souls...enslaved our life long roles,
To be eachothers partners...we paid the tolls, Traps were dug.......
..................................It was as if we were surrounded by moles,
Personally I didn't like those last lines.... wasn't really feelin' the vocab there...i,e:
- Lies / Fries
- Upside-down / Frown
- Roles / Moles
But anywayz you did a good job, lotta emotion in that part.. keep it up.
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yeh i liked this piece, i think it appeals to alot of guys here,
thts why i thought it was a decent piece.
keep at it
peace 1
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This was written so long ago...lol, Much better at my vocabulary now...but UPP!
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that was preety sweet i dont really have any complaints
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Nice Piece Man..Vocabulary Was Dope..Rhyme Scheme Was Nice As Well Emotion Was Great Yo..Structure Good As Always Man...The Lyrics In Here Was Dope..Like The Expressions You Use..Get It In Audio Man
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Thanks...I can't do audio...can't find a decent nuff mic...
