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Loss Of A Loved One.
..Loss Of A Loved One..
I kneel, and pray at mass, and feel and miss the past
But crying as I wonder, why she had to go so fast
Just got married 1 year ago, death, I feared it though
Lied in bed, and seemed to reach out and feel her soul
I miss my wife so dearly, That car, it hit her nearly
I wasn’t paying attention, as I lost control of steering
Right there I heard a hard pop, sirens from the far cop
Paramedics rushing, as they announced her heart stopped
Insides literally rotting, every human stands in crowding
Tears drip down my cheek, as they lay the tarp over her body
Sitting there bold as night, grabbing her hand and hold it tight
As they said ‘we lost her sir’, her face all cold and white….
thinking ‘oh why!? Oh why!?’, Screaming ‘its just not right!’,
Fell in love not long ago, and just so quick to leave me life
I don’t know what I’ll do without her, what should I do?
Lord, took her life, now I ask permission to take mine too!
Still deeply in love, still my feelings are crushed…….
I look up at the clouds, thinking ill see you soon enough
Sit at home, with a knife, ready to make my scar slit
Come in to comfort me, as I lie in…….
………….death on the vinyl carpet
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Im surprised no one was responding to this one yet...what a shame
This piece is great, right on my level homes, i would have wrote just like that,
included the right aspects, each line lead up to the next nicly, didnt loose track anywhere...
Just got married 1 year ago, death, I feared it though
Lied in bed, and seemed to reach out and feel her soul
I miss my wife so dearly, That car, it hit her nearly
I wasn’t paying attention, as I lost control of steering
and the part about her heart stopped...was great,,..added some suspence to the piece
i enjoyed the ending too, that u cant take it anymore this on some romeo juliet shit lol
i like story line rhymes tho,,..fun to do...
but it seems like u put in the time on this one...
I have a story line rhyme on here that i Keystyled, so it isnt the best as i wanted it to be but i slapped it together in like 15 mins, Its a Great story though would be cool if u would check it out drop me some feed back...Its called
Insanity By OnUrb
you'll enjoy the story...Its a long read though my bad about the legnth
wunn
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^ Thanks for the feed. And no, I wrote this in like 1 hour.
Up.
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damm, so many views...and no replies! i kno how ya feelin...so ima leave feed, coz i liked this piece... i felt tha emotion in this, you had nice lines and your flow was good, ima give ya 7/10, nice... keep writin and droppin good pieces. if u can, can ya hit my OM's up i'd appreciate it, thanx im outty.
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damn this was deep, on the poetical tip and ish. but still very emotional, sounded like some romeo and juliet type ish, kinda cliche, but still the emotions in this kept it very interesting, lyrically it wasnt amazing, but for what the piece is its aight.. you did well with the topic, could have had some twist or something, but still. good shit.
hit this up for me
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=228966
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yo dat was DeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeP
to tell you da truth ........i got goose bumps and shit
yo dat was really good ........... it sounds like you actually went through dat (did you)
i thought dat was a really talented and deep verse you deserve an award for dat
yo you get sum old people crying i guarentee you dat
you got sum talent nigga you really do..................da emotions and feelings were so felt and so detailed as if da scene was in front of you
yo I could picture it happening while i read it.................. dat was off da hook
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yeah that shit was nice fool, I liked the "Lord, took her life, now I ask permission to take mine too!" you got straight to the point in this piece. I liked how you mentioned the accident and the scene with crowds of people.
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damn, pretty good shit . I enjoyed the flow of this, had a pretty decent rhyme scheme which a lot of people don't have original schemes, or know what they are. Nice concept, even though seen it multiple times.. kinda saw the ending coming, maybe a nice twist wouldn't made it oringal from all others. But all in all, this was good, well written.. keep up.
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^ Yeah, thanks, man. I'll leave feed for your OM's in a little.
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This OM's dead. Whatever.
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i been following you for long time now and i just love your shit for real i want my shit just like yours original and laid back nice work
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Ok. Now this OM be dead...like whoa!
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This was a good verse, concept was original you got good emotion out in the piece if you was gonna do this as an audio it would have to be longer maybe you could do a backstory to the piece then it would be pretty dope.
The flow was decent but it wasnt consistent but this being a story rap its better to concentrate on keeping the vocab and imagery strong.
You did that in this piece so i thought it was good.
Return the feed:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=229664
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