Baby Why

baby girl i cant believe its over//
u was my lucky charm my 4 leaf clover//

feelings of love came over me when i was with u//
happy thoughts of growing old and having kids but now i miss u//

screamin and yellin comin over us daily//
tryin to remember happy times but i cant think clearly//

we had a deep love and conection together//
went threw everything from sunshine to stormy weather//

u was gonna have my baby now everything that dream is crushed//
but abortions whats happended now theres no more lust//

how couldnt u see that i gave the world to u//
i bought u clothes and gave u money baby i took care of u//

writin my thoughts down on this paper and sheading lonely tears//
u didnt know but losing u was my worst fear....//

happy days are gone now and all i feel is broken pain//
i dunno what i can do baby besides go insane//

i made u feel good baby and showed u pleasure//
but u couldnt see that are love couldnt be measured//

showin u a better side of life than what u was living//
and u kept me outta trouble and stopped me from sinnin//

are baby wasnt even born and already was going threw hell//
u killed our innocent baby against my will//

i cant believe u did it he couldve been great//
but when u went to that doctor u sealed his fate//


my first OM....its kinda deep bout my girl leaving and having an abortion.....feed is apreciated


links:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=218850
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=218876

yo game.....deep shyt man....u kno ya boi had 2 hit dis up.......dis piece had lots of emotion......an damn from wha u said at da bottom i assume this tru......damn hommie u coo???...... i kno u was kinda tellin me she was pregnant........wish u luck on dat hommie....but tight peace i was realii feelin it........no need 2 punches.......jus a feelings rhyme.......loved it........keep droppin man................1

aight well first game u must drop 2 links to feedback u have givin other OMs or this will get closed

i liked the OM it was very heartfelt and emotional u had cosistent flow throughout ur verse i liked the word usage i think the creativity could be better but thats kinda hard since it is bout wat happened in ur life overall a good verse for ur first OM goodjob my nig keep it up

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Rizzo

yo game.....deep shyt man....u kno ya boi had 2 hit dis up.......dis piece had lots of emotion......an damn from wha u said at da bottom i assume this tru......damn hommie u coo???...... i kno u was kinda tellin me she was pregnant........wish u luck on dat hommie....but tight peace i was realii feelin it........no need 2 punches.......jus a feelings rhyme.......loved it........keep droppin man................1

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ya she WAS pregnant but she got an abortion :cry: but ya im ok

thanks for the feed yall

dam this some real shit fams..that abortion line was deep..good drop..

thanks fam....uppin

uppin for feed

Nice drop fams very emotional and deep dis was very nice fo a first OM
im give dis a 9.5/10

thanks fam....uppin for some feed

yo i liike that man deep shit................then when i saw that it was real i liked it more man.............. if u ever want a colab holla keep postin...

thanks fam....uppin

Everything Was Dope Elemental U Got Some True Skillz On A Scale Of 1- 10 I Give It A 10


Keep It Up Homie

thanks homie apreciate the feed

uppin for some feed

i not home right now............ but uppin 4 ya

uppin

had deep emotion...rhymes and whatnot were a little off and simple..but mos def had emotion and imagery......your structure takes me back...i used to rock that structure mad crazy...any way keep elevatin and droppin.~1~

thanks fam

ok i havent looked at the responses on the second page yet, but....... the ones on the first page are off. this was a very emotional moment for you and i can see that. however, when you write you need to convey yourself in another manner. you repeated the same type of thing over and over and it really hurt the read. sometimes it seemed like you were trying to be too clever with lines like you were my four leaf clover. i think you could have found a better comparision then a four leaf clover. that is pretty cliche. also the way you space you lines breaks up the read and slows the pace of the story. you dont need the space between the lines and you also dont need to put those // breaks at the end of the line. everyone who reads it knows the end of the line by the rhyme scheme. which brings me to my next point, you should always try to ryhme more then just the last syllable. try to rhyme at least the last two or three. it makes it a much more enjoyable read. plus hell and will dont rhyme. and when you say our as in a collective group including you it is spelt "our" not are. plus when you write you want to try to avoid the end ryhme being the same word. i noticed in 2 bars (4 lines) the end rhyme was u. that shows inexpirience and lack of creativity. i know you can describe the person you love/loved in another way rather then just saying u. i am glad you wrote on such a deep topic though. also i am glad you were so eager to have me critique this. it shows you want to improve. if you have any questions on what i told you pm me and i will clearify. keep working at it man. you will elevate.

Hey, i was feelin dat.... no need to say ne thin elce... that was a gr8 piece and i felt that piece... keep ya head up

uppin 4 my hommie

ya mine if I can post a little somethin something just so people could feed?? I wrote it a little earlier...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Pet-P'eve

ya mine if I can post a little somethin something just so people could feed?? I wrote it a little earlier...

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no start ur own damn open mic homie

uppin for feed

nice drop... shit was deep.. and i was feelin ya on that

aight thanks fam

aww... this was sweet... i can relate alot to this piece only its the other way around... but this was nice u did a good job.. seemed lik yu were tellin a tru story ta me

Quote:

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Originally Posted by *Peaches*

aww... this was sweet... i can relate alot to this piece only its the other way around... but this was nice u did a good job.. seemed lik yu were tellin a tru story ta me

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it is a true story and what u mean it happened to u but the other way around

yea it happened ta me only da other way around but my story is kinda different... he tried ta leave town, said he wasnt goin to take care of it and den also said that he would tell evrybody it wasnt his, so i got an abortion.. and it was a boy... and then two months later, we got into a arguement about the abortion and he hit me, and i cried all day then i tried ta kill myself..

Quote:

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Originally Posted by *Peaches*

yea it happened ta me only da other way around but my story is kinda different... he tried ta leave town, said he wasnt goin to take care of it and den also said that he would tell evrybody it wasnt his, so i got an abortion.. and it was a boy... and then two months later, we got into a arguement about the abortion and he hit me, and i cried all day then i tried ta kill myself..

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damn girl......but ay i aint tryin ta pack my thread wit jus talkin in general so hit me up in a pm

It's good you manage to write about shit like this cause some people would find it hard to do so you know. I'm not gonna talk about creativity or concept, seeing how this is a real life experience and clearly written from the heart.

The emotion was the best aspect without a doubt, told the story with real emotion pouring out of your lines. Imagery was not really there, more of an emotional piece. The flow was good even though some rhyming words didn't work such as daily and clearly or living and sinning, didn't work for me. Vocab could be improved on maybe but overall it was solid.

Keep it up!

thanks for the feed....uppin dis

Yo i liked diz piece a lot. Had a lot of emotion n errything. Sorry bout wut happened n all. Good luck wit dat. U got skills yo keep da OM's comin. Keep writin. 1

uppin 4 my hommie feedback on this

elemental...my homie, that was nice, deep, damn, i was feelin that....kinda like poetry 2....nice emotion...im kinda speechless 4 1nce homie...keep it up

ayo thanks fam

..................... wut da fuck u doin havin a baby at 16, lol jk, good shit, i can see u put alot of feeling into it, lettin everbody in yo personal lyfe, real ballsy, good flow, dont really like dat kinda structure but it still worked fo me, if u can, keep puttin out good shit like dis, but ull be strait if u dont, this a 1 hit wonder, good luck homie

uppin for some feedback plz

again uppin