To my niece and nephew Julio and Jalia. Please don't sleep on this.

R.I.P Julio and Jalia. Your Auntie Joi will miss yall.

The time has come to say goodbye.
I will never forget looking in your eyes.
Even if I didn't seen you, you will be loved*.
God has takin you,to live with him above.
Life has its ups and downs, and this was a mudslide.
I'm glad your with the lord and resting by his side.
I have to face the facts, it an't no reason to hide.
Life without yall is like washing clothes without tide**.
At first you have something you love,and then like that its gone.
I never really saw you,but somehow I feel all so alone.
I will never forget you, and the 5 weeks you lived.
As long as I'm on this earth,then forever you will live.
I've kept you in my prayers, but the lord has spoken.
Julio and Jalia you were took like a gold token***.
I hope you rest in piece, and remeber you will be loved.
Please watch out for your family in the heavens above.


This was kind of hard for me to write. I kept getting teary eyed. But there is somethings in this yall might not understand so I will explain them.

*I never got to see them in person . I saw pictures and they look just like their mom and dad. So since I always saw my sister and brother in law.
**Tide is the laundry detergent we use. If you don't know what that is then google it. :thumbup:
*** Think of Robin Hood

I never new my monther OM

Abused Child OM

awww....that's sad.. i wonder what happened..
for the 2 to go so young is unbelievable..
sensing strong emotion of this...
flow was a little bit choppy it was like on and off in some parts.
vocab was not very good in this either...that could of used some work as well.
but the way you used the words you did, was good... i'll pick out a part
here in this verse that i like the most.. it was more closer to the ending..

I will never forget you, and the 5 weeks you lived.
As long as I'm on this earth,then forever you will live.
I've kept you in my prayers, but the lord has spoken.
Julio and Jalia you were took like a gold token***.
I hope you rest in piece, and remeber you will be loved.
Please watch out for youer family in the heavens above.

that was hot.... gud wording..
umm...check for spelling mistakes before posting your work..
it really helps the reader keep a flow while reading..
stayy upp

Thanks for the feed. I know I have to work on vocab, I wrote that at 3 am this morning. I'll edit it.

Oh they were premature by like 3 months. Their organs weren't fully developed yet. It was basically their small intesetines, so the doctors did surgery. But it didn't help them much. So my sisteer decided to pull the plug on them becasue she couldn't see them suffer anymore.

Uppin this.

Heartfelt piece. I can understand where you're coming from on this one. I'd have to say, stay away from lines like the Tide one and the Golden Token line. Text battlers use lines like that so much that they are cliche, that sometimes if a poet uses one, it brings an aura of corniness. Emotion was the strong point. Just keep writing from your heart and it will be all good.

Thanks. Uppin for feed.

All feedback is appreciated. Bad or good. I need to know what to elevate on.

All I can say is this was heartfelt. I am not going to get into to specifics ot technical detail here, I do not liek to do that on a heartfelt peice. I just think it was a nice and touching read, I wish you the best...

Thanks very much. Uppin this.

Uppin this. Tell me what I need to elevate on.

good stuff very deep and i am sorry to hear about all this

Life has its ups and downs, and this was a mudslide.
I'm glad your with the lord and resting by his side.

that was a great line....keep it up

Thanks. Uppin this.

This was cool, as you talked about life
And how you miss them, thats so sad
I bet when they died it made you mad
You wish they could be alive again
But god takes the best.. the end
This had great flow and great rhymes too
This drop was hot and im impressed wit you
you did what ya did and this was cool
I know you have good peices not just to type like a fool
8.5 is all i can give it......, even though this peice was the shizznit

yeh i lied this was very deep an you could feel the emotion its nice to read somthing an you cna feel what the person was feeling very deep some nice lines in ther stay up -1-

thanks for the feed. uppin for feed.

p.s cud ya hit my piece up called "the good days" thnx much appreciated

deep piece baby blood! im feelin this!! sorry to hear bout it tho! tha good die young!r.i.p

Thanks . Uppin for more feed

Very Emotional duval.

I feel you alot girl, this had amazing emotion, and if it comes from the heart, then who cares if its good or not, the important thing is that you had the guts to write this about them. You have gained my 100 % respect. P.S this is Harry Potter :)

*stands Up* Ovation

Please check out my new OM, Segregation Era.

Peace :love:

Aww thanks. I'll check your open mic. :love: :hump:

Come on peoples I need to know wassup with this. I have like 2 other open mics I wanna do. I need to know what I need to work on so i can edit it. I'll take all feed back, bad good or whateva. I'll leave feed back on whateva a battle open mic or whateva. Uppin this.

it was very emotionally driven... which isnt a bad thing...
I wont get into the critical parts of this cuz CRITICLY...it isnt that good....

but i will leave critical feedback on something i feel comfortable doing it on...
good luck
hit my OM

Its all good. All feed is welcome like I said.

Uppin this one mo' gin. Tell me wassup with this

I thought is was good and some stuff and emotion was good...The structure was ok and the story was nice and people should remember them...Good verse and keep posting and elevating

Thanks. I will elevate, I'll have a new OM posted tomorrow. Leave links i'll rtf.

Was cool. Deep I liked it. You have some skill compared to most girls I've seen. No hate to the ladies. ;) Keep it up. :thumbup:

Thanks, Uppin for feed.

first of all thats sad for what happen i know what it like to lose sum1 u care for and its very hard trying to write a piece bout them

the piece was good not too many vocab usage but still good and u had some parts that didnt have a good word structure but the rest was good it was very deep i can almost feel what u were feeling u kno
very good job on this piece
and i want to wish u good luck and that life will always go on and they are now with god in a safe place

so nice piece

wow they ment 10 lines to you?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Edicius

wow they ment 10 lines to you?

---

I couldn't write much for them, I didn't know them. So whateva.

Thanks for the feed.

Uppin this for the last time. I got a new OM I want to post. Just give me a lil more feed. I'll RTF even on a battle. Tell me wassup with this. Be honest, tell if u think its dumb, nice,emotional ecy. Tell me somethin.

The time has come to say goodbye.
I will never forget looking in your eyes.
Even if I didn't seen you, you will be loved*.
God has takin you,to live with him above.
-Very deep 7/10

Life has its ups and downs, and this was a mudslide.
I'm glad your with the lord and resting by his side.
I have to face the facts, it an't no reason to hide.
Life without yall is like washing clothes without tide**.
-NIIIICE 8/10

At first you have something you love,and then like that its gone.
I never really saw you,but somehow I feel all so alone.
I will never forget you, and the 5 weeks you lived.
As long as I'm on this earth,then forever you will live.
-Aight...6/10

I've kept you in my prayers, but the lord has spoken.
Julio and Jalia you were took like a gold token***.
I hope you rest in piece, and remeber you will be loved.
-Very emotional...7/10

All around...8/10

It was definitly filled with much emotion...very deep piece girl. And im sorry to hear bout ur nieces passing away...R.I.P

U think U could return the favor by voting on the battles in my sig? It would be much appreciated...
Please watch out for your family in the heavens above.

Thanks for the feed, Like I said i'll return the favor~1~

damn gurl thas deep, I feel ya pain tho....keep ya head up homegurl an keep up the flow......DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUVAAAAALLLLLL!!!!!! ha.... peace!

Thanks ma. This is really my last time uppin all the feedback on this OM.

yo, that was pretty deep, i felt the emotion in that 1... and i no it hard ta spit bout shit like that, brings all tha emotions bak 2 da surface... pretty good piece, i woulda liked to see it longer but since u only know em fo' like 5 weeks there's not really many memories ya had between em... ya still showed alot o emotion and the rhyme scheme was very well played out... vocab coulda been improved on buts i hav that prollem 2 so im not gons a harp on ya fo' dat cuz that would make me a hipocrate... the flow was good, the bars was all tha same length so that made it easier to catch tha flow... syllable count was on... i liked this piece, but it was kinda brief...

keep goin, check out mine, similar ta ya's but alot longer... it called Miss My Dawgs, c tha signature... good job

i liked it and how it drew me to read more
duval people got that talent

yo kp904 which part of duval u from

yeah its all about that Duval.