The Mother I Never Knew... SS Piece

The Mother I Never Knew
.
.
.
.
.
Sitting through the endless days of myself I cry,
Sustained by this liquid mass I breathe her sighs.
As one we traverse this vast reality that I will inhabit,
The anticipation is almost too much for me to inhibit.
Kicking her stomach in anxious anger she laughs at her chest,
Caressing it softly and smiling as if aware of my unrest...
... Stressing my boredom bruises appear...
Fear overcomes her cranial suspense's superior leer.
Eight months of patience isn't an option for my insistance,
Existence is but a dot of life in the ever growing distance.
.
.
.
Eighteen hours of excruciating labour ravishes my mother,
Doctor's drenched with sweat and worry peer at one another.
In the womb I grip on to prolong this process...
Illustrate my feelings through her vocal pain's success.
Vocal chords vibrate violently touching their adjacent twin,
The child of the devil... The child of pure sin is within.
Emerging from her covered in blood the red being falters,
Aware of the surroundings too early... Overly developed martyr.
Bloodshot eyes greet the doctors as the mother flails in pain,
Rouge life splatters over the tables staining her son's name.
The incarnation of a million dead souls he drops to the floor,
Rips visible across the doctor's chest cause shocked flaw.
The mother fading as the lines fall to a flat 180th degree,
Nurses fall to their knees as others stumble to flee.
.
.
.
.
.
The red baby stands on his weak legs watching his bones bend,
Brutal arms extend to grasp out at life for the end...
Laughs echo from his tiny mouth... Deep and low...
Yet this event will never be believed... No one will ever know.
The sheer anger inherent in his tiny structure is too much,
Weight of past actions crush his legs into his stomach.
Having exacted his anger on his mother he sheds a tear,
The evil crushing his lungs as it escapes into the oxygen fear.
Placing his hand in hers he cries for the mother he never knew,
collapsing on the floor next to her his body breathes a sigh askew.
Shadows flood from his throat as he grips the floor tiles lightly,
Embracing doom he hugs the dead doctors legs frightfully.
.
.
.
The blood drains from the baby's corpse leaving a normal being,
A world all around him... A world he will never have the pleasure of seeing.
.
.
.
"I just wanted to love you..........."


Jekyll/Bounce/Credz I might not be able to put some links up till later... Quite busy... But I will. Thanks...

Peace

Dope man.

I was feeling everything about it, Nice imagery, Vocab was nice, And structure was on point. Your becoming one of the top topical cats on RB man, Keep doing your thing and keep your head up.

Check my OM.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=195235

your diction was suspended to me. otherwise, description and imagery were all there. i like the structure, which added to the effect of waiting for the birth.

8/10

Links

Dedicate
Sheep to the System

Hmm, this was a nice piece, pretty strong and the SS topic was pretty unusual, the way you decided to attack it.

Quote:

---

Laughs echo from his tiny mouth... Deep and low...
Yet this event will never be believed... No one will ever know.

---

That was my favourite line in the entire piece, it means so much, it explains itself, I know what you meant by this. As usual you came good with the vocab, a distant flow but it was a lot about imagery so where it lacked here it made up for it there, Some loose rhymes actually hepled this come across, and the odd alliteration was nice on the eye and gave the piece a better poetic feel, something thats different. The emotion was a little too blunt imo, it just came at the end and pounced around the piece, all I was getting was imagery and when you hit the emotion and the feeling it seemed like it was a little forced, a little weaker than I see from you usually. I think you could'v ended it better, but it was twisted so I suppose you did well with it, just a rethink in certain places would help it climax, help you end up killing the piece off, finish it stronger than you did.

Overall, this was above RB's average, but I've seen better from you man, I look forward to collabing/battling with you brother...

And check my latest out please, Friends Forever...

I liked that piece it had a nice vocab, it made me think about my niece and nephew. It had a lot of emotion to it, I loved the way you did this with the structure. Overall I just loved the piece, 10/10

This piece speaks for itself you thought it out, nice piece. The vocab was extrodinary and right on point.
Keep doin ya thing cuz

a lot of dope shit

the structure was good, im catching what you were talken about on my peace... rhyme scheme wasnt bad... the emotion and imagry are what drive the peace though.
But in the end of all things, damn good peace... nothing wrong with this WHAT SO EVER... hope to see more from ya... srry i cant write a big ass thing but im busy as fuck and gotta run

the key? Origionality! and you had it straight off, i've never read anything like that before, it was totally fresh and new to me (and if you don't mind me saying, a bit disturbing) i liked it alot though, its nice when you can click a link and not have to recycle through the same played topics..thanks for a great imaginative read.

FanTa x x x x x x x

Haven't really had a chance to speak in this... But just to shed some light this was a really quick piece I wrote. I had to go out and wasn't going to have a chance to write for SS for the rest of the weekend... So I spent 20mins putting a concept I'd had quickly down and posted it... Luckily I did do it in the end, no matter how rushed it was, as Celestial ended things early and gave me a win for dropping.

Thanks for the feedback though everyone, I appreciate it.

Now to use this or to write another piece for this round of SS... Opinions?

Up...

This was a cool piece but i would've liked if you used a cooler rhyme scheme, maybe double syllable or something. Just a preference of mine but i like to read my topical like hip hop rather than free verse poetry or something. It was still cool and I liked the story though i thought there might have been some extraneous detail in there and maybe you could've tidied your verse up a bit. I can't really tell though, i don't usually deal with this linear storytelling structure, for the most part it was really cool man.

Nice job and comment on my pieces if you want to.

Nic piece , unique style with the topic...
I wasn't expecting you to approach the
topic the way you did. But I should have
they way I have seen you write before...anyways
nice discriptive out line piece. Very good imagery with
the child and his mother. Gave me visual. The flow
was pretty good use more multies. Nice structure ,
and nice vocabulary usage to bring out what the
mother was experiencing... Well done piece stay at it.

Thanks for the feedback...

Up...

One word- Wow.

This piece plain blew me away, the topic was brilliant, the imagery, jesus christ, the imagery was some of the best i've read on this site. The vocab was balanced just right so not to drown the piece, the multi's were non-existant but quite frankly i don't see how they could've improved this.


Placing his hand in hers he cries for the mother he never knew,
collapsing on the floor next to her his body breathes a sigh askew.
Shadows flood from his throat as he grips the floor tiles lightly,
Embracing doom he hugs the dead doctors legs frightfully.

^^GODDAM, sir you are dope.

keep posting and showing these newbies how it's done, if you could rep my piece "timeline" i'd appriciate the feedback.

Thanks Johnny... I appreciate it.

Peace

Up...

One last up...

I was feeling everything about it, Nice imagery, Vocab was nice, And structure was on point. Your becoming one of the top topical cats on RB man, Keep doing your thing and keep your head up.

Thanks to everyone... This was my first piece in the OM HoF... I appreciate the nominations.

that shit was tight man, I'm totally feelin it....had a lot of emotion, good structure it flowed real nice had complexity to it....all in all it was a good peice, I'll be lookin for more posts soon! keep it up!

In Verse 1 the best lines were...

'... Stressing my boredom bruises appear...
Fear overcomes her cranial suspense's superior leer.
Eight months of patience isn't an option for my insistance,
Existence is but a dot of life in the ever growing distance.'

I'd rate verse one a 8.5/10...I loved the multiez, and beginning set up with the lady being pregnant and the emotion and pain of having the devils child in her stomache. Great flow throughout the whole verse.

Best lines in Verse 2....

'Bloodshot eyes greet the doctors as the mother flails in pain,
Rouge life splatters over the tables staining her son's name.

The mother fading as the lines fall to a flat 180th degree,
Nurses fall to their knees as others stumble to flee.'

Id rate verse 2 a 9.5/10, cuz it had alot of detail and imaginary, you could picture everything that is going on. Which is good because this is the prime of the story, the climax, where the baby is born. And you lived up to every expectation. Also with good flow and and emtion. Even had multiez. Perfect.

Best lines in Verse 3...

'The sheer anger inherent in his tiny structure is too much,
Weight of past actions crush his legs into his stomach.
Having exacted his anger on his mother he sheds a tear,
The evil crushing his lungs as it escapes into the oxygen fear'

Id rate verse 3 a 9.5/10 because it was a perfect way to take down the beast. The emotion was shown perfectly, with the mother mourning her baby as he dies. And the beast turning soft before he dies. Again, good imaginary, good flow, feelin, multiez, and great ending.

Overall rate - 10/10

Perfect.

Thanks for all the in depth feed... I appreciate it.