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Dreams [Collab]
Dreams are a portal into the soul
Don't fear them, let em take control
CrazyCarl
Dreams tell me what I hope to be
Subconsciously, free all without fee
Distorted views of the present
Retorted hues of color lessen
If you dream in black and white
Sometime seems to back the fright
Of a nightmare in your brain
Used to scare on the brink of insane
Contemplate and think, but retain
Alleviate but sink, in hopeless pain
Oxymoron's to deal with increased stress
Approximately stealing time from the rest
Of your thoughts in the daytime
What you can’t control on your mind
You can try to think positive
But these fake ideas won’t stop this
Terror of the night, hand on our cerebellum
Use the light as a serum to dispel them
When we awake, the dream is gone
Have you witnessed an angel, or hell’s spawn
Dreams are a portal into the soul
Don't fear them, let em take control
Sammy B
I lay down in my bed that same old routine
My eyes slowly close as I begin to dream
Suddenly I am drifting through a sky of aquamarine
An ocean flowing the setting calm and serene
Rapidly a disturbing scene begins to play
Fear slowly rising you can't get away
The impending doom impossible to delay
A message of distress can't possibly relay
Nothing firm enough to jar your sleep
The scene is your family dieing as you weep
This image cannot be removed it can only seep
Deep inside your brain, a thought not wanting to keep
Free from pain but never from emotions
Steadily sinking constant demotion
But still you persist showing your true devotion
Then you're awake due to a violent commotion
Not found in reality your own thoughts notion
A cold sweat on your forehead from your dreams motion
Dreams are a portal into the soul
Don't fear them, let em take control
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This was a good collabo you both had good vocab so you described your feelings in raw detail the imagery was decent too i think carl your flow was slightly stronger than sammys espically on this line:
Distorted views of the presesnt
Retorted hues of colour lesson
Those lines stood out in your verse.
Sammy your imagery was good but try and up the flow thats the only criticism i could say about your verse.
Good collabo i appreciate the feen you left on mine.
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This was decent
it could of been better crazy i have read alot of your work and you was lacking a little in this piece! this sounded like poem material, and it was kinda deep! Carl bring back some of your better stuff i'm here waiting to read it! :thumbup:
check out My piece
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Real dope collab. loved the structure and rhyme scheme and concept wasn't too bad either keep up the good work cuz! ;)
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Lines were very short but very complex. I liked it.
Carl the first few lines were good. The vocab was pretty good with the use of cerrubellum. This flowed OK aswell
Sammy I thought that you had the better verse due to the longer lines a better flow and the wider range of vocab.
Fave Lines
lay down in my bed that same old routine
My eyes slowly close as I begin to dream
Suddenly I am drifting through a sky of aquamarine
An ocean flowing the setting calm and serene
Oxymoron's to deal with increased stress
Approximately stealing time from the rest
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this was really a great peice, i like to read great peices and this is one of them i like!!! Keep it up!:) i'd give it a 9/10!
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This was really good, very original. I havnt gotten to read other posts from either of you yet but if you keep up the use of vocab and style it should all be tight
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man very good peice.. complex and short at the same time.. keep it up.. ill be def. checkin out other drops.
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sick vocab and colab ppl!! I liked tha flow, and i too noticed that Crazy's lines had a lil more but I liked it nuntheless keep up tha good work guys-peace
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yo for real i was feelin that.i like da vocab and da flow was tight. on the real one of da best callbos i seen.
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Carl man you know i gotta say you collab'd dope on this mayne..Sam B...big upz to you u dropped dat knowledge on em...Vocab and multies and flow was nice Carl and Sammy you dropped dat education on em man...Propz for this piece..nice to see some peepz otha den me trynna educate da masses!...
U know i gotta up myne too go peep it Sammy B and eryone else http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...70#post2419570
Church
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You both took the title and wrote something different – I don’t know if this was planned, but it worked… you both did a decent job of what you intended.
Crazy Cal – Nice vocab, and rhymes though some were forced. I thought your content was good. The major criticism I have is the flow. Put together the verse sounds empty, and this was probably due to short lines and forced rhymes. I liked the way you set out about it, and the verse had a nice ending.
Sammy B – Decent verse but I didn’t really feel the way you structured it, or your story telling. Having said that, it wasn’t bad. The rhymes could have been better, and they would have bettered the flow.
Appreciate the feedback you gave me Crazy Cal
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pretty nice...juss work on flow(idk if u were to spit this slowly in a song or nething but it didnt flow in mah head very good)..other wisekeep droppin...
~one~
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You two did well, together, on this collab. Both your joints blended in together well. Liked the structure you guys used, and I also liked the flow... in my mind, its the most important thing. Without a flow, I just wanna stop reading, but, you guys did well with it. That whole, Dreams are a portal bit... liked that alot. that was hot. But, uh, the vocab was pretty decent here, and I was diggin all the description here. Nice piece guys. I enjoyed the read.
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Thanks for the feedback on my piece.
I like the subject, no one really gets around to that much (that I've heard). I think Carl's verse was stronger, I really liked the flow of both, but Carl stood out more to me. Short, complex lines are always good.
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Nyce, wud roll a little easier with larger lines, and maybe 4 line ends with rhyming words
( .................hit
....................pit
....................sit
.....................tit)
But wuz a nice collab, original topic, keep elevatin'
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lay down in my bed that same old routine
My eyes slowly close as I begin to dream
Suddenly I am drifting through a sky of aquamarine
An ocean flowing the setting calm and serene
fav bars...easy
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Tihs was one of the best collabos I have read. Nice vocabulary, awesome flow, and it was just good verse from both Sam and Carl. I'd play this in my cd player if u sung it.
Return the posts
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AyoOo..not bad bro...Carl's verse had me really lost at times...like some of the lines just made me question their purpose or meaning..I'm sure they have some reason I just missed...hope you had a good understanding of em haha...like this one..
"Oxymoron's to deal with increased stress"
The rhyming seemed really simple but the things you said weren't...like I said...I couldn't understand most of it...Personally I reckon its better to be a little clearer to the reader on ya thoughts but if that's your style its all cool. Good luck to ya...
Although the schemes you guys used were simple...you both still have a very good grasp of multies...stuff would be alot better if you just got more complex on the scheme though...so instead of..
"Rapidly a disturbing scene begins to play
Fear slowly rising you can't get away
The impending doom impossible to delay
A message of distress can't possibly relay
Nothing firm enough to jar your sleep"
You could write....
"Rapidly a disturbing scene begins to play
Away, slowly rising in fear, you can't stray
The Delay of the doom is impossible to state
Where message of distress can't possibly relay"
Not to say the verse should be written like that but you should switch up the rhyme scheme...instead of being....
"...............................A
................................A
................................A"
It should be like....
"A.............................A
...............................A
......A........................A
A.........A...................A"
This way the flow will just be a shitload better...it will take ALOT of time & practice to put in this many rhyming words & still make it sound dope & non-forced but you need to do this to increase your writing...
Another thing you boys can do is carry over your lines...like don't stop the idea at the end of one...you can extend ONE idea throughout a WHOLE STANZA! Remember this!
So you can say...
"We sat upon the ocean - water blue as the sky
as it reflected off the moon light that shifted the tide
So happy she's mine, her beauty there in her smile
There I was drawn into her teeth, it was a palace of white."
You see how it just keeps flowing? you can read it straight through without stopping & going..!??! hang on!? where's the flow!?...you wanna make your reader vibe along to what ever sort of rhythm you create...see the way you've written this passage,
"Contemplate and think, but retain
Alleviate but sink, in hopeless pain
Oxymoron's to deal with increased stress
Approximately stealing time from the rest"
You've written a string of random thoughts one after the other...where it would be much better to put linking words in at the start of each line & make it flow straight through...the way that you've written it...doesn't really allow you to fully explore an idea or go into any detail...So yeah try & extend your ideas throughout multiple lines & it'll all go much doper!...
Just a few ideas for you boys ay...Just wanted to offer some wisdom...I hope you do appreciate it & take it on board uh...Please really read it thoroughly & give it really good thought & put it into practice! haha get that dopenuss crackin boys!...
Happy to help,
Peace.
