Little Heather

Little Heather

The anesthetic smell makes me gag & choke..
All I have is hope, & a half empty bag of coke.
My feet drag & mope around this white palace.
Inside, I hate myself, & curse the night’s malice.
My bright child is tied to the bed.. Unconscious,
& to say it’s not my fault would be utter nonsense.
I hurt cause I started this, & now I can’t stop it..
I break down & tears of sorrow flood my optics.
..My girl’s being kept alive by machines & tubes.
I hope: when I say to a nurse “his dream is cruel”,
But we both know it’s not a dream.. It’s true..
You’d never guess the fear this would put in you:
You’re daughter, dying before your very eyes.
Cursing your own God, below the weary skies.
Knowing you can’t save her. I can only drop tears,
But let me take you back to how we got here....

I rush into the house, & right to the kitchen table,
Snort up the first line, & my vision’s disabled..
You wouldn’t imagine the crazy high this renders.
Just as I’m spreading the second line, she enters..

“Hi, daddy!!! Take me to the cookie vender?”
Not now! & Don’t make me loose my temper.
I’ve said no, several times today, sweetheart!
Now watch cartoons & stop acting like a retard!

I spread the fat coke line into four portions.
Then put a straw to the end of one line & snort it.

“Can I have some, daddy?.. It tastes good, dad?”
You’re 4 years old! Get out and stop being bad!
Listen to daddy. Leave me alone & don’t be a bitch.
Be a fucking kid... This is grown people shit.

“I wanna be grown” she said as she left me alone.
Without her in the room, I can switch the whole tone.
The most incredible high is about to be mine,
As I , quickly, sniff one..... two..... three lines..
My nostril bleeds & I am paralyzed but still woke
Oh, shit.. This is pure.. 100% real coke...
I pass out & rest in ease, hugging coke infested dreams
When I suddenly feel my little girl next to me..
“I’ll show him I’m a big girl, then he’ll love me again”
She digs in my pocket & pulls my bag of white sin
I want to stop her but I can’t move a limb.. Just hope
My eyes are closed but I hear her poring out my coke
Then I feel her take the straw from my bald fist
I plead, and plead inside: please God! Not this!
All I can do in this state is wish & frown...
Then I hear a snort...
...& my baby girl hit the ground
I was trapped in my body, trying to wake & save her
But I wasn’t able too get up.. until 5 hours later..

*whimpers*

So I stand in this hospital crying, for Heather’s sake
When a nurse walks in and says “she’ll never wake.”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Brown”

She was the part of life that mattered..
..The rest was bleak.
And all I can do is say how sorry I am
as the police arrest me.

R.I.P. Heather Brown.
May 2000 - March 2005

I’m so sorry.
http://img73.photobucket.com/albums/...zzzzzzzzzz.png
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=182180
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=182025

Wicked :) ...really liked the story(the way it evolved by firstly presenting the girl in the hospital,then a flashback to what happened that put her in the hospital,then back to the hospital).i read other work of yours and i like your style.the imagery was well done,and the emotion in there was so deep,you could somehow get inside her father's mind and feel his suffering.And also feel some pity for the little girl:"My girl’s being kept alive by machines & tubes".it's like when you wrote it you were thinking as her father,put yourself in the mind of the character,and most don't do that,but i feel is the only way you can create ill pieces(if the pieces are based on a kinda complex character,and involve emotions and deep feelings).What else? ...the piece flowed good,and i liked the rhymescheme because it wasn't that predictable and had some complexity.the structure was good,same with the vocabulary.and also good ending too(liked the part with R.I.P Heather Brown).Overall ill piece Wicked!

and if you have time,please return the fav:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=181482 i got one decent feed on it and i would really like to here what you think.Peace man!

shiiit nigga that shit was deep... very deep and well put 2gether... i no wat u mean... i noe that feelin u was tryin 2 play out there... u want 2 help but ur unable... u do all u can and its impossible to succeed... we share a life there man, if that shit is real newayz.. i liked the rhyming, vocab was good, there was just a couple lines in the whole song where i couldnt catch the flow but otherwords man that was tight... good job nigga

greate story like it alot,,,,,,,,, nice

No one is replying?

WTF

Honestly, this peice....Is amazing.

It caught me from the first line and kept on flowing to the end.
The story, the emotion, the....everything


Legends Nod.

this Is An Amazingly Written Piece From My Perspective,
Like The Concept The Flow,
The Imagery,
Structure The Way It Was Delivered Was Great,
Executed W/ Nice Perspective........
But Sorry If Its True.........

Like they said earlier...fucked up if its true. This was a very well written piece. The fact that you went back and forth with the story line really helps to bring out what the main character was thinking while his daughter was in the hospital and the remorse he feels for his actions. Made him seem like a victim as well as a culpret. Vocab was ok butI don't think thats what u were focusing on in ur piece, seems you put a lot of effort into making the story flow well and ur vocab was still good enough to provide nice imagery. Nice drop man...be lookin for ur next drop.

Thanks to everyone for taking time to read this. Thand to Daz for the nom. Good lookin'.

Another Nod? Goddamn, bro you derserved it here. Storytelling structure was simple, you mostly kept the same amount of syllables line per line. You didnt necesarilly need to go out and dazzle with metaphors or anything, the story was a gem on its fucking own. Very touching if I may say, The best aspect that was put in, was that the father basically feels what she is doing, and he cant do a thing about it and is helpless. Definately some A material here, great storytelling.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Daz

Honestly, this peice....Is amazing.




Legends Nod.

---

yea, fuck you for being better then me.


lol, jp. but ona real note i think this beat bebe.

Really Nice shit wicked. Legendary.
Loved the way you put the ideas together.
You also had a dope twist at the end. Literally. lol
Your a very skilled writer. Great drop.

Yo this was hard nice shit Wick how about a collab

This was amazin...

Story telling here was on another level to what I've seen in a while. Flow was steady and the creativity really stood out. Definatly one of the best I've seen in a long time.

Cant really see anythin' wrong with it so...

Dope drop

Hit this up please: http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...03#post2240003

Definately HoF, that's a given. I'm not saying that this isn't good and all - it was pretty damn awesome on the whole, especially compared to a lot of OMs these days. Fairly solid word choices and whatnot, it had rhythm, and the content was there. Horrible story (horrible in a good way - I guess).

But yeah.. I saw that you got the legends nom, and IMO, it just wasn't quite there for me. There were mistakes and stuff that put me off a little. And maybe I'm just not used to your style, but there wasn't quite enough feeling in this for me either.

So yeah, on the whole, this was dope, and I'm not at all surprised that you got the nomination, but I'm not exactly sure that this is quite legends material. I actually read a BTK OM a few weeks ago, and that moved me more than this did, as I remember. Kind of similar content too.

Thanks for the peep on mine.

Good lookin', everyone.

I liked the story a lot. You developed both characters by using the dialogue, which worked well. The dialogue fit in, and didn't take away from the flow of the piece. You put emotion into the characters, and it couls be felt. The piece was pretty long, but it seemed so short reading it. Had a nice touch at the end with the rest in peace.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=182641

That wuz off the hook, not many people can take it to that level, keep popin man.

Wordums.