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Blessed Upon
The Skin Cracks Like A Pod. Water Hungery The Sun Still Shines
Gold Mines To The Undeveloped, The Bones Of Each Spine
Word Of Mouth Lets Them Know, Its Time To Go, One Opportunity
Together They Rush Forward As One, Standing As A Community
Tin Mugs, Copper Pans, Using Anything They Can They Grab For It
Desperate Hands, Just Grab As Much As They Can, Minds Split
Sand Crunches Under Their Feet, Bodies De-hydrate In The Heat
Overhead Sun Filled Sky, Around Here There Is No Street
This Source Is Much Needed, For Each Tree A Plant Is Seeded
They HAd Ran Out, They Begged And To The Gods They Pleaded
Living Out Of Town, India, Bombay, A Natural Source Is Great
Between Them No Hate, But The Ending Of This Would Decide Their Fate
They Reach The Spot, Feeling More Than Hot, The Push Forward
No Ques, This Was Their Oppurtunity To Live, Not Being Awkward
The Pipe Had Burst, The Town Without Water, The Scavengars Chance
Grabbing as much as they can, Filling Pans And Hands, Needing To Enhance
Sickening Thoughts As The Children Enjoyed What They Were Seeing
Men And Women Around, Could Not Believe, Around Mixed Feelings
Blessed By The Gods, The Historic Camp Had Been Given Water
A Source Of Life, For Men And Women, For Sons And Daughters
Children Danced Naked Around THe Split In THe Pipe, Wealthy Without
The Amount Of Pain This Camp Had Suffered, From The Summers Drought
The Gods Had Blessed Them, Gave Them The Water They Needed
To Give Them A Miracle Water Was Needed, And In This They Had Succeeded
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I remember reading a poem like this once called "Blessing"... It was praised as a really good poem... I had to study it... And yeah it was good but to be honest this was better. You had a lot more emotion, powerful imagery and strong vocabulary. You wrote well with the topic and showed your writing skills well here combining a lot of different skills. It wasn't very long but that wasn't a major factor, nor was it something I would criticize about this piece. Structure was good too... Easy to read.
I liked this piece a lot... Could write more feedback but you get my point... This was a definately good. Nice work as always Sylentz...
If you could check out "Trinity..." in my sig I'd appreciate it...
Peace
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Wow this was deeper than I pictured it would be, I like the second bar the best.... It was the most emotional two lines I've read standing for something of pride, yet sadness.... it was nicely worded the whole way through, the vocabulary was good and the details on colors and views on things were... Dare I say.... Trippy. Overall the structure was well matched with the wording, commas used correctly and the story line hit the fantasy world well with a twist of beauty that fit in nice with the characteristics of your writing. I enjoyed reading it, you had little use of multis but I am sure you did not wish for them to be so compact with them. Very nice job Sylentz.
Peace.
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This was good, topic was nice, nothin new but you came creative and different on this and it kept me interested through the whole verse. the emotion was strong. the imagery was also very good, it made this more of a story to me wich i liked alot. you worded every line in here good, it made it much easier and better to read. your multis and flow was good. structure was good. the length was ok, nothing i can argue with but it would be nice if this was longer. but yeah this was a good peice, it was definatly worth the read, hope to see more from you
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shit was pretty tight son.. i aint seen much of ur work so cant say if its ur best.. but this peace was coo son -strait-... didnt really have any flaws to speak of.. flow was hot..
overall above avrage drop
oNe
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poetic... not really OM to me, but good though. work on flow, it broke down a couple times, could have been much smoother... but I liked the realness in this one.
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nice rhyme scheme, but very simplistic rhyming, try to incorporate more than one syllable
the content was dope... felt it
structure was nice but the lines were a lil long... performin it inaudio would be difficult to do correctly, but not impossible
and spit had a point about the flow fallin off a few times
you seem more like a poet than a lyricist
but overall this is like a 7.3/10
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That shit was ill dawg...Nice concept and very nice rhymes...U coulda went further into depth, but it was still great
Check out my open mic...Mobb has caught me
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Dope piece sylentz. I thought that it had alot of description and that the imagery was real nice. The story was good and i read the whole piece.
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that shit was fucking blaze you should see my look on my face
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yea this seem like it should be in the poetry section.. i'm feelin this though, real nice imagery, good flow...
They Reach The Spot, Feeling More Than Hot, The Push Forward
No Ques, This Was Their Oppurtunity To Live, Not Being Awkward
The Pipe Had Burst, The Town Without Water, The Scavengars Chance
Grabbing as much as they can, Filling Pans And Hands, Needing To Enhance
Sickening Thoughts As The Children Enjoyed What They Were Seeing
Men And Women Around, Could Not Believe, Around Mixed Feelings
Blessed By The Gods, The Historic Camp Had Been Given Water
A Source Of Life, For Men And Women, For Sons And Daughters
yea i was feelin this.
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up
leave links ill return feedback
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damn this was really good, very good stucture nice flow, sometimes syllable counting was off and sometimes it felt like you forced emotion, but thats something i still work on, great imagery damn you remind me of myself this was very good ish here, maybe we could collab some time i need a collab wit a rb cat so holla at me anytime peace
RTF links in the sig if you wanna see how good iam then look, check out my hooks to, speically for Karma that one had a dope hook
pz
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Dope Writtens Sy.
Best shit yet, for sure.
I liked it alot, how you built up your delievery of them being 'blessed upon'. As well as the entire first verse describing how they are suffering in a sense, then you wait til almost the end of the second verse to finally feed into the title. The amount of description in this piece is increbible. The rhyme scheme was nice, as well, too. Some parts the flow got a little choppy, but overall, it was dope. You painted an awesome picture here. Favorite lines...
The Skin Cracks Like A Pod. Water Hungery The Sun Still Shines
Gold Mines To The Undeveloped, The Bones Of Each Spine
Sand Crunches Under Their Feet, Bodies De-hydrate In The Heat
Overhead Sun Filled Sky, Around Here There Is No Street
This Source Is Much Needed, For Each Tree A Plant Is Seeded
They HAd Ran Out, They Begged And To The Gods They Pleaded
Blessed By The Gods, The Historic Camp Had Been Given Water
A Source Of Life, For Men And Women, For Sons And Daughters
Children Danced Naked Around THe Split In THe Pipe, Wealthy Without
The Amount Of Pain This Camp Had Suffered, From The Summers Drought
The Gods Had Blessed Them, Gave Them The Water They Needed
To Give Them A Miracle Water Was Needed, And In This They Had Succeeded
...this was just a illy piece man.
*Awaits the next dope drop*
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this was good homie....Iliked your wordplay and ur flow is good 2....Please drop a honoest vote on a battle in my sig :)
I did vote for u and gucci in that 2 0n 2
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Pretty nice piece there, not too bad. I like your style dawg. You need to improve on some multies, and thats about it. Your words were basic, but some were tight. Thanks for the drop. Its tight. Keep droppin bro, keep droppin and one day you will be one of the dope phenes on the site. ha ah.
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yo tis piece was deep could feel ur emotinon wit tha topic u did u did better ten i couldve dun wit it give ya props 4 tat tha part i liked was
Word Of Mouth Lets Them Know, Its Time To Go, One Opportunity
Together They Rush Forward As One, Standing As A Community
Tin Mugs, Copper Pans, Using Anything They Can They Grab For It
Desperate Hands, Just Grab As Much As They Can, Minds Split
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yo hot shit bra had me readin keep it it up yo
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good piece Sylentz...seen you have written it two weeks ago...OM is wack.you don't get many good feeds nowadays.ok,back to you man.first i'll say what i liked:the imagery was done well,the topic was good and you followed the storyline(didn't deviate at all and kept me intrested on what was to follow)...i liked very much the begining and the ending,they were well written and they kinda emphasized the whole story.the structure is good,vocabulary good(helped a lot on the imagery),a poetic drop...and now what i didn't quite like:the flow was a little off in some points and the rhymescheme became predictable after a few lines.it would've been better if you changed the rhymescheme a couple of times.but nothing to really criticize...good job!keep it up!
and if you have time please return the favour:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=181482
i really would need some decent feed on this.Peace man
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It was alright. Don't capitalise every word like that though, it hurts my eyes lol. Pretty good imagery though, and nice structure. Nice overall. Keep doing your thing.
