Metaphorical Poetics

it goes and comes around.. but how long in between?
and if i dont see it happen well.. how strong can it be?
i heard a voice quick as it came it was gone in the breeze
it said to steady my feet wide and be strong in the knee's
i'd wrongfully see.. this wasnt literal.. indeed a metafor
that these lonely halls we walk.. lead to better doors
the place you teleport.. rid of dead ends & never more's
even when the weather pours head up and let'r roar
no more dead at war.. a lost cause for settled scores
'least there was honor in 1 on 1 draws with metal swords
with that said of course.. today innocence is crushed
but now its too late to rebuild.. and in a sense its sucks
the mystery of life.. on earth.. the skin on its back is..
the energy of the universe.. that makes it spin on its axis
the big bang.. dawn of time.. the whole thing is stupid
time exists without existance.. theres no beginning to it
in a rythmic pulse of music.. what numbers couldnt equal?
through cause & effect.. up & down or.. good & evil
breathe a breath to the ocean.. blessed perpetual motion
of sexual notions.. bonds in life.. until death for eloping
these moments.. lost living lies but.. we all live and die
question is..
did you give a try.. cross plains with pride risen high
or did you let your image fry.. memorys of a finished eye
minutes fly...... til we birth wings under a different sky



http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=172941 http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=172858

This was pretty dope. alot of metas, and the flow, like always, was sharp. My favorite part was...

i'd wrongfully see.. this wasnt literal.. indeed a metafor
that these lonely halls we walk.. lead to better doors
the place you teleport.. rid of dead ends & never more's
even when the weather pours head up and let'r roar
no more dead at war.. a lost cause for settled scores
'least there was honor in 1 on 1 draws with metal swords
with that said of course...

...that shit was the dope show.

Good work center...keep it up.

And in the meantime, go vote on my battle in FL, it should be close to the top. against twixn.

It's writing like this that proves that rap isn't just bullshit about smacking hoes and smoking grass. You proved a broad knowledge of the english language and the world that surrounds you... I have respect for what you've done with this piece. It has a way of making us seem as if you have all of the answers... and whether one does or not, presenting it and making his listeners/readers believe is what counts... the fact that you can get us into it and make us read past the rhymes.. awesome

illness, that was some heavy ish.. keep em' cumin'

thanks all... up

Definately nice... Good flow...Nice story...Nice vocabulary... I liked it. Only thing I can really say is maybe make it a little longer and give yourself a chance to express yourself a little more! Oh and nice metaphors of course.

Sorry there wasn't much more for me to say.

If you could check out "You" in my sig I'd appreciate it.

Peace

nice peace, liked the flow n rhyme scheme shit was dope,
some nice metas, and some nice lines overall... liked the way u wrote this piece,
good drop.

alot better then the last piece i peeped you are improving and elivating non stop i like your work

This was a very well constructed piece and as JaakDaPhake said man you broadened horizons just hope people get the meanings of OTHER shit that rap entails e.g. creativity, originality etc....

A very nice flowed worked well wih the vocab you used

nice work

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JaakDaPhake

It's writing like this that proves that rap isn't just bullshit about smacking hoes and smoking grass.

---

thats what rap IS all about!? :shoot: haha

tight piece... could see it slightly altered for a nice audio verse

Yo, This was a very nice peace, Flow was on point nothing was really that forced it was nice, Keep it up..

Wuzz up man? This shit was tyte n different, kept me gripped. I liked how u came at this, multies was tyte metaphors was interestin and ur rhyme scheme was tyte. Overall, this was pretty good. Nice work dogg.

Keep droppin. :thumbup:

1

nice feedback everyone, its appreciated

yes very good piece it really made me think a lot. i like the speed of this read. fairly consistent but you switched it up in a few parts and that kinda threw me. i like the vocab. unique enough to make it your own and simple enough to get your point across without confusing the reader. word choice was good. and the idea was dope. i would have liked for this to have been just a little bit longer. but i cant complain becuase i liked it a lot. good piece and as my good buddy word mentioned much better then the last couple i read.

Dope Wordplay, Dope Imagery and dope metas in my opinion.

Good read all around, with some good ass imagery, like in the beginning, where i thought it was the strongest. Good read with good wordplay, vocab was on, and the topic was controlled on throughout the read.

Good Job.

up leave links if you want a decent level of feedback

Dope Wordplay and Everything...This shit was illl


The imaginary is very nice, reminded me of some nas shit when i wake up in the morning..I listen to some soft soulful shit like Marvin Gaye or Isley Brothers....Man stay up!

word, thanks for giving feed on my drop.


This piece was dope. The flow and rhyme scheme was off the hook. Some of my favorite lines...


that these lonely halls we walk.. lead to better doors
the place you teleport.. rid of dead ends & never more's
even when the weather pours head up and let'r roar
no more dead at war.. a lost cause for settled scores

and..

these moments.. lost living lies but.. we all live and die
question is..
did you give a try.. cross plains with your pride risen high
or did you let your image fry.. memorys of a finished eye
minutes fly...... til we birth wings under a different sky


but word, this was solid throughout the whole thing.. and once again, I feel this deserves a nomination for OMs of the month.. not much to critique because it was well written and enjoyable to read.

thanks alot for the honesty man.. appreciate it

nice, good strong multis and some pretty cool imagery to balance it out. like to see you tell a full narrative of some kind. some stronger vocab would've helped but this is a good enough piece to stand up without it.

keep on posting.

my favourite line is=the place you teleport.. rid of dead ends & never more's..."nice"

all is nice in fact

i dont usualy like seeing up to 4 or 5 rhmyes on the same sound ie from metaphor to swords.. but you did it well with those sort of half rhymes & stuff

a little bit of the end i diddnt like =
did you give a try.. cross plains with pride.. risen high
or did you let your image fry.. memorys of a finished eye

untill it got to the last line which was=

minutes fly...... til we birth wings under a different sky
...that was great poetics

tite stuff fo sho

lookin for more yo werks

pz1

Not a bad peice, but there is much room for improvement. This was very basic, yet stood up as a good drop, mostly due to the way you worte this. For such a title I was expecting some complex concepts and encrypted typed lines, you keep my interest either way. Assonance was good, but the repetative scheme in your lines took away from it. Diction most def, needs to be upped. vocab well see my comments on diction. Meter was good and steady, and the meta's were basic but good, could have been improved IMHO. You have improved from what I can see from another drop I peeped of yours, dramitcally. I think you got the idea, now you just have to reach for that next level. Good drop, let's elevate that to dope now!

-Bounce

You Had:
Flow
Story
Meta's
Structure
Passion
Realism

those are all key things in writting a great OM, you did and keep em comeing, they are awsome to read man.

thx for hittin my OM up..

anyway, this was really good man.. it started off well with a decent description of what u were tryin to say, and ended well too... i felt that the last few lines had the best imagery in ur verse.. great rhyme scheme mixed with a great flow... only problem is u should've probably written a bit more to give the reader more knowledge on what ur piece was about.. but thats no problem, this was written well, and that was a nice ending too..

keep at it..

peace

Excellent wordplay and vocab. Multi's were nice too. Not to many bad things I can say about this drop. But I really like your delivery. U seem to have found a style that's original but still a good ready. I think it was a long as it needed to be to get ur point across and that's whats important. Ill drop.

awsome feedback, thanks alot...

MORE

That waz tite pa keep more of it cumin -1

what more can be said about this center that hasnt already been said dope piece liked the imagrey alot and the way it flowed down the whole way though liking th full content inside this piece want really going to know what to expect from you being that you were a battler but you made the jump just fine nice job i give you major props on this piece hope to see more like this fro you in SS

please return the favor fammo

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=173742

yeah, this was pretty dope, no failing points and no whackness. fa'real.. let em kno son. some real good wordplay and imagery. nice structure as always.. all around great. can't say it any better



and to let yall niggas kno..

if CS recycled shit, this site would be thru.

real poetric, nice imagery . ok read all around keep texting

seeing as a decent amount of people were feelin this..
ima give it one more up..........

Quote:

Originally Posted by JaakDaPhake
It's writing like this that proves that rap isn't just bullshit about smacking hoes and smoking grass.


^^^Agrees....It's fine to once in a while write a verse about smacking a hoe or stealing a nigga chain but you have to be versatile as well and be able to talk about different things. Definetly a good drop....nice flow, great use of metaphors and good vocab...Keep it up....

That flowed well.. Good emotion in the piece, you showed like this wasnt your first drop you ever did. Good job man. Multies and flow was great, and you had a good structure going. Keep up the good work. I give it a 9.2/10 Good job, and keep droppin.

This was nice. It was a smooth read. Good rhymescheme and everything. Keep up the good work.