Dear Social Services Worker this is Kevin

Dear Mrs. Social Services worker, hello my names Kevin
I go to Dunbar Elementary on 110th and I'm eleven
Anyway I wrote this letter hopin u could help me figure out
Somewhere to go, because I no longer feel safe at my house
Cause there some things going on here that don't seem right
Like Daddy sneaking in my older sister's room every night
When he leaves she's always crying, says our parents don't luv her
Said she's thinkin bout movin out with with my crack head brother
And my mother............well daddy told me she's an alcoholic
Plus a theif cause she's always stealing money out his wallet
And it seems sometimes that my parents are always fightin
Last night my mom slapped my dad, said that she never liked him
And my bother wasn't his, she was tired of all his shit
So she was packin up our stuff and movin out with the kids
Then daddy's face got red, must have really hurt his feelings
Called mommy a bitch, said don't threaten me with my children
And he punched her in the ribs, and slapped her in the face
Said he paid the bills, if she don't like it get the fuck out his place
So I tried to break em up but daddy threw me to the side
I burnt my arm on the heater, my older sister started to cry
And my brother sat in a daze, Talkin bout this house is fucked up
Playin with some brown paper and some leafy sticky green stuff
So now mom's moved out.........and my sister started workin
Tryin to save money up to buy somethin called an abortion
And my daddy got laid off and said he could't support us
Now that mommy's out our life and choose to ignore us
So I'm writing you this letter hoping maybe yall could help
Find me and my sister a place with someone else............
I know you guys are busy so i'll just write my address at the bottom
And I'll take any suggestions if you got em.........Thanx Kevin

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=172004
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=171960

Good piece, it had good flow, try to make your pieces a little more complex by mixing up the rhyme scheme.

Since this was from an elementry point of view, and you didn't use large vocabulary, this was a good piece. It where it was supposed to and it can relate to a few people I know of.

Props, stay up and always leave feedback.

Yea I didn't want to get to advanced with the vocabulary because it was supposed to be coming from an eleven year old. Thankx for the feed back man.

yo that awsoem man liek good flow and just keep doin your thang

^appreciated

guess yall really wasn't feeling this one. Whatever. uppin

good flow n good ryhmez dawg.......work on da vocab a lil bit, but dat waz dope.

thanx man....still lookin for some suggestions yall. Hit me up

I aint gonna front, I liked this piece. You choose a good topic to write about and I wanted to read more of it. All flowed well. Good way to tell a story in a letter fam, I wanna see more like this.

-One

That shit was off da chain!!!!!Keep it up

I liked this... I would say that the vocab wasn't that good but seeing as this was from an 11 year old it was perfect. Nice imagery and description used. You caught the mind of a young boy well in a rhyme. I think this could've been a little better.. Maybe a little longer. It definately shows potential though!

If you could check out "Messiah Complex" in my sig I'd appreciate it.

Peace

thanx for the feedback yall

I liked the point of view for this, it made it an interesting piece. You were descriptive and had good flow. You seemed to capture the innocence of the child. The vocab was basic, but fit for the subject.

Thanx to everybody for the feedback it was really helpful.

yo now this is a tight ass flow...
this is the kinda shit i wana hear everyday...
keep shit like this coming..
it makes me actually feel i little misty:P...good work dawg

nice, thats a crazy ass situation. nice flow and everything. good job man

FUCK !! fuck the feedback dawg.........thats the best OM drop ive seen on this site so far !........fuckin' loved it 100%.........the story was excellent.......they was you empathized with the kid was excellent....the way you portrayed his innocence was excellent....the vocab was completely in role and.....wait for it.....EXCELLENT....

i could go on about this drop all day...all im sayin is " Hall of Fame " nomination.....and PM me when you next drop an OM !!!!:thumbup:

Thanx ..........*smiles and blushes*

This was very interesting. I thought that your flow brokedown in alot of places and made this piece a little bit messy. In some parts it was hard to read but you had a decent concept.

this was nice, smooth storytelling all the way through, pretty impressed with the consistancy, was able to picture it the whole time in my mind.. good story at that, nce content, overall real nice piece, return the favor and hit my joint up
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=172961

yo this piece is like my life when iwas that age no JOKE (axcept the molestation shit) but fa real do it was like window into my forgotten past thanx fo bringin it to light this shit is the realest i have ever seen on any keystyle sights big propz dawg keep it droppin and FUCK THE JEALOUS ASS HATAZ 1 :thumbup:

yo i was feelin' this as well mayne.. fo sho

story kept me going till da end... like a blend of emenem n Dmx or sum shit

vocab not nessassary

not the purests text masterpiece... but a damn! good spitz.. & would make a good audio rap song....

yo this peice was original... it was great wording.... nice skillz ... flow was dope, stay up...Lock

I liked this, it was very nice...Im apart of DCFS, living with my grandmother....I could relate to this alot man and i appreciate such originallity....Homie stay up!~

Really liked this...

Message was so good about things which unfortuantly go on in too many households. Flow was good with the whole simple thing. What got me the most was the message and emotion shown

Keep at it

this was probably the best peice ive read on this site in a while just keep spitin an dont ever stop peace out dawg