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Triple Homicide
Stone faces fail to concel the torrent of emotion
At the realization of the forces now forced into motion
Two friends, half brothers, different fathers, same mother
Two sweaty palms hold guns drawn upon one another
Tempers swell, a raspy voice spits the phrase "Go to hell"
The reply," You first", guns burst, bloodied bodies fell
Left Nia with her tears, and a pain she'd never known
She said a prayer, and put the heater to her dome *Bang*
REwind to 6 months earllier.
Nia lived on 128th and had beauty beyond description
Cinnamon skin, lavander eyes, coke bottle demensions
A Little half Rician, half black version of Jessica Simpson
Just through with NYU, when she caught Jay's attention
Jay had played ball for Seaton Hall, barley graduated
Invited Nia to a family gathering where they celebrated
Past success and future feats, told Nia she had to meet
His brother Dre, Said "hey", emotions leaked through their speech
Was love at first site, somethin bout it just felt right
Nia sneakin out Jay's warm bed, to JFK to catch a flight
To visit Dre, Dre still attending school up at Syracuse
Both parties confused but aware of the moral issues
Jay callin Nia, "Where you at", she lies "I'm at work
boss called me to Jersey to redesign the shirts"
Jay's suspicious, her boss just called, flyin outta NY
Thinks she's cheatin, yellow pages, $1,000 for a private I.
Gets back pictures of betryal, between lover and blood
Mind races, losses sanity, instincts become hood
Privite flight over night, in Syracue before morn
Kicks in the door, sees the evil, now his guns drawn
Nia screams, "Jay I'm sorry", tries to run off the bed
Dre reaches for the pistol by the pillow under his head.
Back to the Current.
Stone faces fail to concel the torrent of emotion
At the realization of the forces now forced into motion
Two friends, half brothers, different fathers, same mother
Two sweaty palms hold guns drawn upon one another
Tempers swell, a raspy voice spits the phrase "Go to hell"
The reply," You first", guns burst, bloodied bodies fell
Left Nia with her tears, and a pain she'd never known
She said a prayer, and put the heater to her dome *Bang*
I know it was kinda rushed. But give me some feedback tryin to elevate.
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i liked the story and i loved the rhyming, great work
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lookin for some feedback yall
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shit was tight look at my flow and let me know wassup though
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fuck yall...give sum real feedback...i hate ppl who just leave "awsome werk" and post it just to get there post number up
aight pretty long but i liked the story so it made me keep reading
i like your flow and structure dawg,also liked your rhyming concept
overall a pretty tight drop dawg i give this 8.5/10
just keep droppin and elevating homie and youll becum a tight ass emcee!!!
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yo that was sweet man like shit was pure gold hit up some of my links
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This was kinda long, but the story behind it made me keep readin I was really feeling this peice. to elevate I dont know what to tell you b/c it was really good in itself Just keep dropping and you'll get better ill be looking for your next peice
i give you a 9/10
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thanx for the feedback yall
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YO THATS SOME OF THE HOTTEST SHIT I HEARD SO FAR THE STRUCTURE AND THE PLOT WAS TIGHT YOU CAN SPIT I GIVE YOU :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:
CHECK OUT THE STRUGGLE IN THE PAST I WANT SOME HONEST OPINIONS
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PHEW! tite fukken shyte dun
i especialy felt da flow at start as it was like broken down with science
i cud like rap this out loud fo sho.... hot swizzle ma nizzle
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First:
Stories are great especially when you can actually get them to play into the rhymes and get people intrested. You did that with play and great rhyme scheme.
Second:
The flashback deal is awsome but don't repeat the lines like you did, it will just have the reader stop short and not finish, sort of making them leave with an empty feeling or something like that.
Thrid:
The grammar was awsome and it was presented great, it's great eye-candy and that's what pulls people to read it, but remember don't slack on the OM's or people will get pissed for reading shit that looked good.:)
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^appreciated, checked out ur drop. Hot ish man
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The reason I went back and said the first part again was becuase I started the story at the end and just wanted to go back and blend it in with the rest of the story, but I see what ur saying. thanx
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Still lookin for some suggestions yall tryin to elevate
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This is a nice piece... Good story... I especially liked the way how you jumped from present to past. I thought though that each time frame could've been elaborated on a little more. That way a better picture could've been painted. A little more information about the people maybe? I don't know. I liked this.
Maybe a little longer though? I'll look out for your future pieces... Keep practicing!
Peace
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Yea, when you jumped from present to pass, that was nice. Overall, it was a pretty good drop, I liked it, you got potential, I'll look at your future peices at well.
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Thanx to everybody who offered feedback, its nice to see some of the poeple who have been around this site for a while are willing to help the "Newb" elevate
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iiGHT 1ST OFF TO MENTION: The topic is what first caught my attention,
so when I started reading, your concept was grasping, :cussing:
i was into your word play, and the flashback back jumpoff,
of the present, past-n-future, was hott also, :hitit2:
it was a long piece, but it wasnt a piece that was dragged on w/o meaning. :thumbup:
OVERALL: I liked reading this one, keep the shyt up dawg; :thumbup: gedd@dakidd:
KALIKOZE911... :shoot:
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