Unstitched Patches

The sky is smothering from hovering shades of silence
Reality fades as I drift away in this masquerade of tyrants
a cascade of broken dreams slip down the seems of this patterned face
Unstitching every thread that patched up life’s mistakes
Hanging from these strings, my hands are worn and torn
Unraveling as my weakness, a life of failure’s born
Unsheltered from the storm, chaos reins the sun
Leaving me in darkness, heartless as they come
Harnessed to the soul of ones fortune I condemned
I trimmed the outer rim to hear the whispering helpless hymns
Confined in this place filled of solitude and guilt
A morbid grin stares with sin as it destroys what i built
A quilt of everlasting beauty, everything I had wanted
Ashamed of whom I was, so I faked then flaunted
Twas as if I was Cinderella at the stroke of twelve
This fairytale had turned into a reality in hell
Fingers where pointing as some where ripping me apart
Like demons who where hungry for this beautiful work of art
I had wasted a life masking every little imperfection
Judging others along the way when they were merely my own reflection

not bad mezmerize i loved it,it flowed smoothly and briskly,the imagery was excellent with a wonderful vocab,i loved the ending that was a nice twist....

I had wasted a life masking every little imperfection
Judging others along the way when they were merely my own reflection
dope

anyways keep at it, i enjoy reading your pieces

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mesmerize

The sky is smothering from hovering shades of silence
Reality fades as I drift away in this masquerade of tyrants
flow is illy right here - nice way to capture attention - good connection from smothering > shades of silence > masquerade - sets the tone - you're drifting - so we know to expect an introspective piece
a cascade of broken dreams slip down the seems of this patterned face
Unstitching every thread that patched up life’s mistakes
second line is a bit short - awww - don't cry... - the feelings raw here as your regrets are released
Hanging from these strings, my hands are worn and torn
Unraveling as my weakness, a life of failure’s born
second line is unneccesary actually - but it doesn't take away really - whether you intended to or not you're becoming aged in this - wrinkled hand... lined brow...
Unsheltered from the storm, chaos reins the sun
Leaving me in darkness, heartless as they come
second half of second line could use a rephrase to keep the tone steady - interesting how your sorrow is mirrored and intensififed
Harnessed to the soul of ones fortune I condemned
I trimmed the outer rim to hear the whispering helpless hymns
really like the wording on second line here - you've managed to infect others with your emotion at this point
Confined in this place filled of solitude and guilt
A morbid grin stares with sin as it destroys what i built
"stares with sin" should be reworked - seems you're realizing futulity here
A quilt of everlasting beauty, everything I had wanted
Ashamed of whom I was, so I faked then flaunted
connects to the masquerades you mentioned at the beginning - not losing your focus - hits truth with the way people normally act...
Twas as if I was Cinderella at the stroke of twelve
This fairytale had turned into a reality in hell
don't like the "turned into a reality in hell" - rephrase - and now the masks are pulled off... the mirror starts to appear...
Fingers where pointing as some where ripping me apart
Like demons who where hungry for this beautiful work of art
self-inflicted pain? as you try to force the masks back on?
I had wasted a life masking every little imperfection
Judging others along the way when they were merely my own reflection
and the docile silence is broken! - nice closer - scheme simplified as you went through - but it was complex in the beginning which caught attention - then you focused on your meaning - which is a good method to follow - good ish.

---

word :thumbup:

now pay me... so I can leave this place again...

I didnt like the way it ended
I like the cinderella meta
Emotion is very well done
Imagry is here and there
Overall a coo drop Mezzy

thanks a lot guys, and smz, the answer to your question...ill tell ya in a bit, im high right now and afraid i wont make sense, lol.

Mez...honestly Im feelin it hard.
My "quilt" is somewhat tearin at the seems at the moment for real. Which is why Im back writin.

To read all of YOU Warrior Poets inspires that fire to write!

This piece was truly heart warming.
If any perfections within, maybe found by others(respectfully positive Im sure) ..i personally saw no flaw, due to how the piece flows. Its life..and the turmoils that make us WANT better, which encourages the drive we ALL strive to deem ourselves. We all have so many flaws.

But hey...you might have to stop me for the cliche line Im about to use...but symbolically...
"you ever hear what happened to the boy who had all he ever wished for..?"
its true..without lust or even greed..we HAVE not a thing to die for.
I dont know...maybe im off base...but thanks for the inspiration.


Im tired and cranky and my legs itchy..peace :banghead:

thanks a lot for the reply, are you an alias btw?

and whats up with the itchy leg, lol

yo, what up...

nice piece, real deep nice ballance of imagry .. solitude and a sense of self hatred but in a way gave a depiction of pride.. eg:
"A quilt of everlasting beauty, everything I had wanted
Ashamed of whom I was, so I faked then flaunted"...
build up yourself with the quilt and undermine it in the next line..

there's a few more, but that stood out most and pretty much summed up the whole piece to me,...

ne-way.. 1
stay up..

this was deep. the imigary was good and so was the vocab.

Twas as if I was Cinderella at the stroke of twelve
This fairytale had turned into a reality in hell


that was my favorite line... dope drop.. keep em comin Mez

Quality read, solid choice of words and great flow.

thanks......uppin

"I had wasted a life masking every little imperfection
Judging others along the way when they were merely my own reflection"

^ Nice line for the ending..
you used good metaphor for
the subject. Nicley done...
someone boring just a little
boring , Only because I read
your other pieces and comparing
it was ok...Nice use of vocabulary.

"Hanging from these strings, my hands are worn and torn
Unraveling as my weakness, a life of failure’s born"

^ I was feeling those lines somewhat.

"Fingers where pointing as some where ripping me apart
Like demons who where hungry for this beautiful work of art"

^ These lines right here stood out as well
the demons and hunger for art part. Nicely done.


Overall A Nice piece here..

Keep it up Mez write more....
Make some more time to write
you are too talented to be droping
pieces once in awhile.


peace.

thanks bio

yeah mez...i feel your style intensely!

Im no alias..i always wrote under the seed.
I used to battle, but all the" uppin riders" ruined that for me.(not that I oppose)
I sparr from some, now and again..but im all about poetry one way or another.
and these days..well...my lady luv..(and also *lady mistress in my life) got me shook, so im chessboxin myself these days.*(which is another story in itself)
...love is such poison and power...so close to hatred..u gotta feed from these elements. Its addictive..that feeling you know.

Im hungry baby!

SO now, i battle myself in prose. I aint shit..but a writer.
Not great or legendary, just an admirer.
I will be Stalkin your new posts tho..cause you got violence in your casual text. Not negative, but that shit that tingles your neck hair when a REALLY good song is playin for the first time..u know..that feeling that makes you imedaitely recognize that sound or song..knowin you will be downloading it asap to Play it out right away!
anyhow..this is your post ...im uppin you again cause i re read it and BLAM..again im feelin it@!

thank you!

your dope^

^ lol @ Demonseed...
This was just awesome sweety. I remember when you showed me the
unfinished version a while back, and reading it now i love it just as much.
as i did then. Plus i'm happy to see you were able to finish it finally, lol
which isn't easy to do, especially for me. Anywho, your style is so cool. I dunno what it is, but i'm always facinated by your writing. And this was no different. Right off the bat you grabbed me with the opener, which is
actually my favorite part of the poem. The rest followed suited, namely
with emotion, which was definitely the defining quality of the piece.
Plus coupled with the metas and your ever developing voice, it really
left little room for criticism. But if i had to focus on something i'd say
maybe your wording could use a bit of work. Though i say that
hesitantly beacuse it was really good, its just maybe in spots it came
off the tounge a little rigid. but i'm just being picky. regardless
superb drop bud. You should definitely write more. You're returning
to form nicely. please keep it up :)

ayo very good drop. I loved it Like the bocab and it kept me wanting to read more. I'm feelin the style you givin off keep droppin!

thanks for the replies.....uppin

Up up and away...

Damn mez this was a nice poem. The rhyme scheme was crazy and from the opening line I was hooked. Thats was genius. I loved the story it was real nice and I loved your choice of words. This poem was executed real nicely and it was very well written nice job and I would like to collab with you some time.

legendary maybe??? lol thankya

i owe you a reply on this

to be truthful it was fairly standard stuff from what i have seen around the site
rhyming couplets paired with some imagery that could go a couple ways
i yearn to read something really explicitly plain or true
only some origami guy has shown me that

by the way i did like this it was just not enough to make me truly interested

Thanks Myth, I apprecitate your feed on this. This whole poem basically was a metaphore so i dont know if you fully understanded it or not, but again thanks

well you should write to connect with your audience not just metaphors that only you understand, just playing

wink

im sure most peeps that have read this understood it perfectly......

i am just joshing about that but really you are not as good as you seem to make out

^ Show some respect, you're posting in her thread after all.
Plus that's a tad arrogant of you to say. Who are you to judge
what's/who's good or not? and isn't poetry a personal thing? i don't
know many people who write soley to connect with an audience.
Granted some do, but seems to me it would be more important
that she got something out of it than a bunch of kids on a
rap site.

Daughtered?

I dont understand all the bickering and Mantra u just served to fuel this shame on you..
sorry for coming in the thread and not droppin feed on the poem Mes, consider this an up *wink* 1luv.

i know you are right dude, and i actually told mes to be the
bigger person and not respond back to her, but i felt i had to at
least say something. Plus i dont like when peole talk to my friends
like that. I wasn't intending any disrespect towards Myth it
just kind of gets on my nerves when stuff like this happens
and sorry to you to Amanda for clogging this up with freeposts

Shit. This was raw as fuuuuuuuuck. That opening line was just beautiful. Its hard to picture a chick on a rap board posting pieces such as this...& NICE ones at that. I seriously loved this piece to def. Foreal. Good shit Mez. Maybe we can collab sometime yo..

that'd be ill

hmm its not bad stucture coulda been better but the imagery was nice and the vocab was ight but sometimes i felt as if you forced rhymes make sure you count each syllable right ight, it was decent but i actually thought the imagery was very well, peace

RTF in my poem Once Upon A Time links in the sig ight pz