Downbeat Conundrum

Insanity voyaged in cannon-strong armed ships
Accomplished the monstrous with gun cocked grips and targets
My brain cells greeted openly calm, the harmless
But were colonized and KO'd when the pox hit
Given trojan horse blankets, plagued with madness
Now my mind con-sists of pocked skins and alchoholics
If only that...
material cockpit hadn't come wit a compass
I'd think free...
no longer under pompous of another columbus
Now I'm collecting the sweat, treated like an armpit
Bong lit, exhaling smokes of morrow's fires, my lungs itch

(Chorus 2x):
I'm trying to adjust to conditions I'm stuck in
Individually told lies, insisting it's all fair
Painting a picture perfect lifestyle only imagination could
Cause my instant focus is witnessed far from there

How can I treat myself like a slavery victim
When fully-starved and empty stomachs crave my position
Take a minute to consider that they'd trade in a second
Rather than wait for the aids and starvation to get 'em
Would you mourn off the rhythm played by the system
Or dance to it...on a daily strut to pay your tuition
But what on earth can we do to pay for conditions
Shake hands with slaves and let future pave over difference?
Still we already drew lines of difference in futures given
We left em poverty and instances of critical livin'
We could buy tickets to the next stop where slavery gets off
But gamble chips needed with material lust for the sweatshop
The conundrum-like cycle i'm living spins with my hands force
A mercury touching my brain blew my perspective off course
Cut in two by butterknives while driving through forks in the road
Halves in my mind chose the left and right paths...
...Look straight and see a trail the biased never chose

Read between the lines...
...and see an emptyness to represent our universal soul.

(Chorus 2x)

here are my links
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...81#post2069081
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...91#post2069091

How can I treat myself like a slavery victim
When fully-starved and empty stomachs crave my position
^^this line here spoke for the content of this piece, this was very original and the use of vocabulary was immaculate yet the flow was still steady.. very depictable if u can understand what ur sayin, which i can.. so this was a very descriptive piece and u did what u set out to do, good job


hit this up plz
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=170305

u used pretty good vocab on this piece.....^^^^^^i like what he said about u did what u set out to do.......nice and keeep ooon spittin................

Booked. We need to get together and conjure something up.


Well, this was dope. Simply put man, the second verse was pure genius. I seriously have nothing to say besides this is what the OpenMics used to be like. Funny how a 12 year old kid can write better than 95% of this site. Peace.

upping for this, shit, this is getting slept on

i'll hit up you om's if you drop some feedback (im a man of my word)

This was dope, the concept was good you told it very well the imagery and emotion in the verses was so deep.
The structure was nice, the vocab was hot the flow was nice but the emotion and description in the rhymes was dope.
A great piece.

this was kinda...uh, how should i put it...wack

^your kinda, well gee-golly gosh how should I put it.........*beats you*

Sometimes actions speak louder than words...




But not in this case! Dope drop Bo, I personally thought this was a dope drop, and I liked the way you evolved your concept and you had good vocabulary in there too. Your not still twelve are you? LOL Damn, your schooling me daily. Dope drop.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Given Light

^your kinda, well gee-golly gosh how should I put it.........*beats you*

Sometimes actions speak louder than words...




But not in this case! Dope drop Bo, I personally thought this was a dope drop, and I liked the way you evolved your concept and you had good vocabulary in there too. Your not still twelve are you? LOL Damn, your schooling me daily. Dope drop.

---

nah, i'm actually 14 in april, thanx for the feedback

wow... just... dope..

first thing i noticed in this, was the rhyme scheme... it was sick... imagery was great, dope content

"Cut in two by butterknives while driving through forks in the road
Halves in my mind chose the left and right paths...
...Look straight and see a trail the biased never chose
How can I treat myself like a slavery victim
When fully-starved and empty stomachs crave my position
Take a minute to consider that they'd trade in a second
Rather than wait for the aids and starvation to get 'em
Would you mourn off the rhythm played by the system
Or dance to it...on a daily strut to pay your tuition
But what on earth can we do to pay for conditions
Shake hands with slaves and let future pave over difference?"

^

these lines stood out.. real nice shit, i felt you had a creative approach to all the essential parts which made this piece great... flow was real smooth too..

keep it up man..

peace

Dope Drop... i like all of it, good flow, subject well developed etc.
the only think i disliked about was the chorus... i don't think this was necessary (did you have to use it twice and not use it and the end of the poem) you should have just put in as normal lyrics at the end of the first verse. sorry to spend so long chat about insignificant detail. dope

i'll hit up any links you leave just please give some more feedback

BTW, jk bout your verse, it was pretty good but mainly the last verse, cause I could see the metaphor in your first as a way of comparing your current stress to colonization but i don't think that there was enough to give the reader exactly what your talking about, my favourite parts were probably the two last bars cause it was on some real poetic shit and the change you made from at the beginning when you were talkin bout your current porblems and the last verse when you come to conclude that your problems are nothing compaired to many other people's.

upping... i edited my feedback into an earlier post

dope piece.
great vocab and u gave great points. i like the finishing line and the chorus fit in well. i like the first bar in the second verse too. imagery was decent, but u were trully aiming for spittin points of everyday life.
dope peice.

upping like a rooster with A.D.D. and one eye

yo that was tight man good job

upping for what could be the last time but most likely isnt

could i maybe get a bit more feedback, ill hit up links