Dripped And Drained

Dripped And Drained

it all started with the incarceration of rage
a single passion of hate driven into a cage
not for a single person but for the nation
all the fashion... created no admiration
but a sensation that he wanted to drain
society in vain to feed the angry brain
blind vision to a degree of lost control
a downward spiral that would cost his soul
his marks flew into the ground no care
however it was long ago he fell into despair
unable to repair each faliure broke him
choked his life making his vision dim
the sight of a knife looked too inviting
almost exciting to end all this fighting


so he began writing....

With the blood dripped and drianed from my body i leave a message
a single script, before i slipped... i had no idea no presage
So hold onto anything that matters every smile every angelic emotion
treat them like relics a simple... yet worthwhile devotion
then the seed of life will be wattered and fed, with that said, goobye
even if i wasn't missunderstood its time, I should die
mom please don't cry it was never your fault... just remeber
look past the disgust and rust to the fire that made me an ember

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....php?p=1890319
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....php?p=1890322

uppin please dont sleep on this one

i liked it but me personally i like longer bars instead of short but the content was cool, deep personal shit from within..ONE

Yo this was a good piece...nice vocab and wordplay...like da deepness in it if u know what i mean...keep it up...holla back

DaYoungsta boy!!! :shoot: :cussing: :shoot:

Some parts were real nice, and overall i liked it.
I liked the title multi-color but not the two verses... it fucked with my eyes a little..
If you still want let's write a colab on somthing.

Nice peice.

hmmmm....
the vocab lacked alittle bit but was decent and so was the wordchoice,also the emotion and imagery was pretty nice the emotion was solid
and you had nice expression,i could picture everything happening in my head,the rhyme scheme was nice aswell was the concept...


nice decent job twixn...

Nearly forgot... sorry...

Well... 'Ere we go with a breakdown...

Rhyme Scheme & Flow...

Rhyme scheme was not to adstract. Worked well throughout, in both verses. However I thought the first one flowed better. Get some multis and internals mixed up with the standard rhyme scheme to make it a more interesting read flow wise... But the verses stayed on point and didn't get choppy during any of the transitions between bars... Nice work overall here, just try and add in some of those multis and internals.

Vocab

Vocab seemed above average. Not too outlandish, and extravagant - which is always nice, but sometimes can also be over intimidating to the lesser educated! But fuck those dumbasses nahsayen? Kept it comfortable for most readers as they'd be able to understand the elevated vocab easily. At points I thought it fell off a little, I personally wouldn't have used the word 'dim' but would have found another synonym.

Concept

I kind of liked the idea, the title was good, and I think you could have elaborated on this concept a bit more... But the actual content I didn't feel as if it lived up to it... However it had stonger points within the verse, I just wasn't feeling the content on an emotional level or an intellectual level. That might just be me tho...??

Imagery

Imagery worked to a certain extent, but I think this was the reason that I thought the concepts content let it down... Try and elevate this a little more, as I wasn't feeling it... Everything else worked, it was only this area that let it down, and hence let the concept down...

Overall

Nice work overall, apart from what I've mentioned this was a good peice, and where it was strong it was good. Where it was 'weak' (which it werent - it just werent up to par with the rest), theres room to improve... Only simple things will make this a very good peice. But overall a nice read...

Peace Gentleman.

thanks for the feed guys...

i always think my mediocre isint great others think its dope... and my what i think is awesome others don't.... im taking crazy pills

any pills going for free?

<------ask my man jack

up................................................ .................till the day that i drop

hmmm.....

First part was straight, flow fell off in some places.
And there was a certain spot that had word,
that didn't seem to fit right in with the flow.
But anyways.. it was straight

The second part was alot better, better flow.
Some use of wordplay. Vocab was there as well
Pretty nice concept. Try usin more detail though
Keep it up kid...

thanks for the feed tic.... upping for some feed or CC

well. one last up...

i lied...

truth be told thought twix, that was clean and you're always your own worst critic. i dug it and i liked the transition when he began writing the suicide note. the emotional content was mad relateable, definitely feelin it man. one.

thanks for the feed.