Depths of Thought (Lyric and Mesmerize)

Depths of Thought

Mesmerize=Normal
Lyric=Italics

A blanket of ecstasy encases me as your arms embrace my waist
Erased reality into a divine dream of loves enchanted place
Embedded beneath your arms as you trace your fingers down my spine
Profound sublime entwined my heart as your benign eyes confine
Your redolence seeps among my breath and lifts me to utopia
Unlocking the gate of my chateau filled with blissful cornucopia
Hoping a night like this will never cease the plateau of its existence
For my subsistence now depends upon your sweet and tender kisses
Your presence is like Gods holiness and I feel so unworthy
Because You’ve healed me in times when life would never grant its mercy
And to lay here in the night with you by my side
Is the place id give my soul for an eternity to reside
Procrastinating the new day for being away from you is dying
I can only hold on to you longer, no getting up and trying
Your words are such a symphony filling me with thankful tears
You send me to tranquility whispering sweet nothings in my ears

Looking deep into your loving eyes, time possesses the key to close them
Attempt to keep my vision focused, determined to cherish every moment
Our hearts beat to the same song, your breathing slows to a steadier pace
Your beautiful figure outlined in the dark, starting to drift off far away
Floating on clouds of dreams in distant lands, elevated above all despair
A smile on your sweet lips, as I kiss them softly with passionate care
My arm serves as your pillow, ignore the sharp tingling as it falls asleep
But I dare not even flinch, for fear of awaking you from your fantasies
Feel your breath glancing off my neck, all troubles take a back seat
Comforting arms surround like seas, providing a deep dense of security
Holding you near to me, is better than anything I could ever imagine
Why do I need to dream, reality is better than anything I could fathom
But tiredness eventually consumes me, I just want to hold what is true
And potentially everyone must sleep, so I might as well dream of you
Cast me off into the night, let our bond grow stronger as I set sail
My lids heavily begin to drop, I set off to join you in your fairy tale

the title sucks, lol
i'll edit in my reply later

yea bad title, but that doesn't mean this verse is bad. in fact, its far from it. this was damn dope. my fav is the first verse, but the whole of it was dope. the flow in the first, and the emotion in the second made this an ill combination. i recommend you change the title, but this was real nice, i'll nominate it for top of them month later. keep writing like this. props.

peace

thanks a lot ace, i told lyric it shoulda been called "The Utopia of Reality" but we dont know how to change it, lol

i liked the title either way i thought this was really good, i like how you started the verse Mez, i thought those first two lines were a great way to start this off, WAY good job to the both of you i thought this collab was perfect, the wayy it all went together, just great again good job to the both of you ..

-thank you.

I havent been around for awhile but this was great you both did a real nice job with everything I loved it.

thanks alot guys for the feed....upping

mez- way to hit things off, an advanced piece from start to finish, no dull spots, your images through your writings are so clear, i just catch the feeling of your verse so easily, the flow and use of words were great

lyric- you followed up mez's dopeness well, it was a pretty quality verse, you had some lines that stood out more than other's, the way you related the seas line was good and caught my intention more n more, the ending fit nicely

g'job guys

thanks everyone

You guys left me sayin damn.

Here's why.

From the very beginning, all the way until the end, you 2 seemed to successfully connect every word together so it came out so easy to read and everything seemed just to gel together. The rhythm was constantly on point, which made the read easy and able to focus on the meaning rather than having to go back and re-read something written choppy.

The imagery was amazing. So much detail throughout, and sometimes it was packed into one or two words. Both of your choices of adjectives painted this awesome display, and I got mixed feelings sometimes, wondering if you were leading me to see one thing, and then it totally changed. I loved it.

I could tell that Mes knows her vocabulary, it was really strong throughout, entwining her words together to create a steady rhythm. Some people just throw in big complicated words for bonus points, but she used them well to illustrate her picture.

This was one of the best pieces I've read in awhile, and I usually dont drop comments unless its worth commenting on.

This is the type of shit people jack and call it their own.. thats how nice it is. Mad props to both of you, this piece deserves more recognition than its getting.

uppity up

Alright...breakdown time....

First....not feeling the title...sorry, I just think that maybe it doesn't fit the theme...anyways...

Mes...

A blanket of ecstasy encases me as your arms embrace my waist
Erased reality into a divine dream of loves enchanted place
Embedded beneath your arms as you trace your fingers down my spine
Profound sublime entwined my heart as your benign eyes confine

^^^
Good opener, you set it up for the story and gave it a backgroud. Nice use of wordage here and imagery is there.

Your redolence seeps among my breath and lifts me to utopia
Unlocking the gate of my chateau filled with blissful cornucopia
Hoping a night like this will never cease the plateau of its existence
For my subsistence now depends upon your sweet and tender kisses

^^^
The only thing i didn't like about this part was the rhyme of utopia and cornucopia...i mean i love using the word utopia but it sucks that there aren't many words that rhyme with it. I still felt this part, you made up for it with the "existence, subsistence and sweet and tender kisses" good multi rhyme there :thumbup:

Your presence is like Gods holiness and I feel so unworthy
Because You’ve healed me in times when life would never grant its mercy
And to lay here in the night with you by my side
Is the place id give my soul for an eternity to reside

^^^
This placed more emotion into your part and definetly gave it feeling towards your piece's goal.

Procrastinating the new day for being away from you is dying
I can only hold on to you longer, no getting up and trying
Your words are such a symphony filling me with thankful tears
You send me to tranquility whispering sweet nothings in my ears

^^^
"Your words are such a symphony filling me with thankful tears
You send me to tranquility whispering sweet nothings in my ears" Great ending, not over the top but around the side and it hits you. Overall, I really felt what you did here. Just that one word usage I didn't feel but overall you did another great job!

Now for Lyric...

Looking deep into your loving eyes, time possesses the key to close them
Attempt to keep my vision focused, determined to cherish every moment
Our hearts beat to the same song, your breathing slows to a steadier pace
Your beautiful figure outlined in the dark, starting to drift off far away

^^^
I first started to read this and your beginning didn't really grab me. I became a little worried but you last line gave me hope. I started to see that imagery you wanted to create so I kept reading.

Floating on clouds of dreams in distant lands, elevated above all despair
A smile on your sweet lips, as I kiss them softly with passionate care
My arm serves as your pillow, ignore the sharp tingling as it falls asleep
But I dare not even flinch, for fear of awaking you from your fantasies

^^^
Good 4 lines here, nothing really out of the ordinary but your emotion kept up its pace and sometimes people can't do that. Good work...

Feel your breath glancing off my neck, all troubles take a back seat
Comforting arms surround like seas, providing a deep dense of security
Holding you near to me, is better than anything I could ever imagine
Why do I need to dream, reality is better than anything I could fathom

^^^
The last line here I thought was really good, especially for your part. It started a built up and then you kept it going getting ready for the last 4.

But tiredness eventually consumes me, I just want to hold what is true
And potentially everyone must sleep, so I might as well dream of you
Cast me off into the night, let our bond grow stronger as I set sail
My lids heavily begin to drop, I set off to join you in your fairy tale

^^^
Well I think that this was your best work in this....I can't even really break it down but this whole thing had almost everything. Nice


Overall I think you both did a good piece here...although at times I felt that lyric fell but he ended his piece as such that it just about made up for it. Word usage here was average, rhyme scheme was good (lyric's was tough), emotion was nice and imagery definetly came through so I would say, I would read another piece written by you two. I hope this was good enough feedback...nothing negative, keep up the good work.

:thumbup:

i'm impressed. your diction and grooving of words have left me very impressed. i have lines here and there that still ring in my head. but this one stood out the most....

Why do I need to dream, reality is better than anything I could fathom

this was such a strong line in my personal opinion. don't even worry about the title. better to have that than have someone make a creative ass title and the piece sucks. the both of you really did a good job with this collaboration. i really hope to see work from the both of you individually and together again. keep this nice work up...

Yeah, this certainly deserved the OM of the Month nod.

Mez, you came really nice on this. Imagery was dope, and you had tons of emotion and thought. I could feel how you need the security of a good, caring man for you. I liked when you used repetition and alliterations:
"A blanket of ecstasy encases me as your arms embrace my waist"

Definitely keep your style of alliterations. You are a good wordsmith. Only thing I would say to improve is the significant displayal of what is a poem and an Open Mic. This was better than some of your other OMs that lack multies and internals. Keep it up.


Lyric, you came equally as nice. I liked seeing the metaphors and imagery that you expressed throughout. Lines were long, and hampered flow though. You also could have used more multies in places. The last few lines were really good:
"Comforting arms surround like seas, providing a deep dense of security
Holding you near to me, is better than anything I could ever imagine
Why do I need to dream, reality is better than anything I could fathom
But tiredness eventually consumes me, I just want to hold what is true
And potentially everyone must sleep, so I might as well dream of you
Cast me off into the night, let our bond grow stronger as I set sail
My lids heavily begin to drop, I set off to join you in your fairy tale"

I liked the 'fathom' line - it was deep. Now, go hit up Self Portrait if you haven't. Thanks and Peace.

thanks alot guys, your detailed feedback is always appreciated

uppin

I hate to be one to overstate the obvious, but this was superb!! I can't see anything negative about this; thoroughly enjoyed every word and phrase I read. I felt both your verses complimented the other very well, and I connected especially with mesmerize's rhyme scheme. It was all there, and it shined through brilliantly. Excellent drop, you guys should keep collaborating :thumbup: :thumbup:

Omg This Shit Was Ass

C<>N
Posts: 14
Battle Record: 0-1

...Yea ok
sure, id be talkin...lmao


anyway thanks for the reply egeria

word since i know ben pretty well i think he might want some more feedback other then...this was dope ... so here it is .. i felt your lines were too long at times ben but only by like 1 word and in poetry that can fly...but if you want a more fluid read for your audience just check your syallable count ... Mez i felt some of your word choice and frowned at other moments cornucopia is a word that you don't see to often in poetry not saying it can't be used but i didn't feel it in this context... that doesn't mean it wasn't dope though ... just some things to think about so that you know your not perfect and you can still get better and better ... aight pz.

thanks for the feedback...and believe me i know im far from perfect, lol....no ones perfect and if someones serious about writing they will continue to elevate no matter how good or bad their work is.

Thanks J Saint....yeah I dun mind negative feed as long as it is constructive....thanks buddy

Mes~

Nice job bud. You've showed me bits and pieces of this on
aim and its good to see you finally mold it into a finished
piece. Outstanding emotion as always; and it was apparent
that it was where you placed the most emphasis. Which i thought
was appropriate for the approach you took and the overall
theme of it. Imagery wise pretty strong. Probably more so
towards the begining like the opener for example; where as
the further it progressed it delved more into the emotion
involved. Everthing else technically speaking was sound
vocab, flow, etc...as far as criticism i cant really say
where you could have improved or done something different
except maybe for the word choice in some spots, but that's
about it..regardless it was a good verse, props homes
n keep it up.

Lyric~

Okay for starters i thought the opener was good i liked the
wording and it drew me in so to speak. nice creativity. The
next four lines or so though i felt didn't really do the opener
justice. However you did do a good job with the imagery. And
really it seemed like you kinda went the opposite way as mez.
Choosing to focus more on the imagery.For example the lines about
kissing her and your arm serving as a pillow. Although i liked
how you did eventually progress into the emotional side of things
Everything else was in order: flow, vocab, wording
Good job mayne, props..sorry if this reply was a bit vague
it's late and my mind had slowed drastically, lol
plus you already got a shit load of detailed responses so
that should make up for it..oh yeah these were by far the
best lines of the poem...

"Holding you near to me, is better than anything I could ever imagine
Why do I need to dream, reality is better than anything I could fathom"

^ill

thanks for the feedback buddy....

You made my heart race reading this i really liked it title and all keep it up!!!!

Do not post in anybody elses thread unless you post a real critique.....that^shit your posting in everyones drops does not help them at all

I dont think a lot of the newbies really know what feedback is...anyway it would be nice for peeps to break it down and tell why they liked/disliked it, and give constructive criticism. Thanks for the replies though.

Definately one of the best pieces I've seen from you both...and I agree with a majority...the best thing about this was the imagery...you gave vivid words and expressions that put you in the situation....here's the best from you both...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mesmerize

Hoping a night like this will never cease the plateau of its existence
For my subsistence now depends upon your sweet and tender kisses
Your presence is like Gods holiness and I feel so unworthy
Because You’ve healed me in times when life would never grant its mercy
And to lay here in the night with you by my side
Is the place id give my soul for an eternity to reside
Procrastinating the new day for being away from you is dying
I can only hold on to you longer, no getting up and trying

---

^Right towards the ending of your verse...your opening had nice vocabulary...but this part held the most emotion and a much better part of the story to give an original feeling to it...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Lyric

Our hearts beat to the same song, your breathing slows to a steadier pace
Your beautiful figure outlined in the dark, starting to drift off far away
Floating on clouds of dreams in distant lands, elevated above all despair
A smile on your sweet lips, as I kiss them softly with passionate care
My arm serves as your pillow, ignore the sharp tingling as it falls asleep
But I dare not even flinch, for fear of awaking you from your fantasies
Feel your breath glancing off my neck, all troubles take a back seat
Comforting arms surround like seas, providing a deep dense of security
Holding you near to me, is better than anything I could ever imagine
Why do I need to dream, reality is better than anything I could fathom

---

^^This = dope...your imagery and emotion for the chick is like woah seriously N Sync gay...vocabulary and story was best here and I was actually feeling most parts of your entire verse...


BreakDown
Vocabulary - Mesmerize
Imagery - Lyric
Emotion - Lyric
Originality - Both
Structure - Both
Overall:
Nice piece without a doubt...could've been more indepth storywise...and the name of this topic is anus for what you guys wrote...neither of you really need any major work on writtens...just keep up with what your doing to you both honestly...


Rating:
8.5/10