The Story of You and Me

Listen Up.

The Story of You and Me

The Beginning...

She loves me but doesn’t know it, I repeat to myself
The story of her and me will be a piece on our shelf
Someday we’ll get married, and soon after have kids
Connect with such affection, we’ll stick like rabbits
The only sad bit, is that we haven’t been acquainted
The indication of my sensation is afraid to be stated
I see her every morning while I work with the orders
She eats lunch here everyday and pays me in quarters
And even lets me keep the change, God I adore her
One day we’ll be together and I’ll do anything for her
So who cares if she doesn’t know me, fate has its way
Someday I’ll introduce myself and she’ll happily say
“Sadly this day, didn’t happen sooner cuz’ it’s true
Even before you knew I was always in love with you”
Then spend a lifetime together, just like I imagined
Her hand in mine was a quest predestined to happen
But the story just started, you haven’t seen beauty yet
Our lives are more in twined than Romeo and Juliet

Destiny

The seraphic display, of her sad but ravishing face
Blessed my eyes and made my heart drastically race
While my rabidly ways, made me look like an idiot
I wanted to speak but couldn’t find somethin witty yet
I felt like I was shitting sweat, never been more nervous
I was about to fulfill my birth on this Earth’s purpose
A hundred percent certain, but still lacking confidence
Didn’t want to strike hard for fear she’d be on defense
A haunting scent, grew as I neared my future wife
Ready to hear “I do” as I viewed into her pewter eyes
She purified my sight with the light she held inside
As my tongue stumbled, I finally had myself confide
I felt shy but I yelped “Hi” completely compelled by
The way she stared at me, showing she could tell why
I spoke, I hoped that maybe she’d laughed if I was jokin’
But then I soon stopped as her mouth slowly opened
“Nice to meet you but sorry I have no interest in you
I just came here to eat so could you pass me a menu”

The End

Time stopped in its tracks, I just couldn’t believe it
Spent months wondering, but stood to receive shit?
“I don’t agree bitch, we are meant for each other;
We’ll grow old together and we’ll forever be lovers”
She shuddered, “What the hell, I don’t even know you”
“That doesn’t matter, no one said you’re supposed too,
Baby didn’t you know love works in mysterious ways”
She then became afraid at the array of his serious face
“I’m scared and confused, what’re you trying to say?”
“Isn’t it obvious, you are with me till our dying day”
Crying “Wait,” she stood up and began to back away
“No, I...I” “Shut up” he ran up and slapped her face
“You love me and I love you and together we’ll live”
“No, I’d never give a stranger my heart to deal with”
“You will bitch, its not an option it’s a destiny see,
Don’t make this the end of the story of you and me”
She turned back to leave and then screamed for help,
With two shots to complete the piece on their shelf…

You need to leave 2 links to 2 open mics that you left decent feedback on or this gets closed, Thanks.

this was an excellent piece. the writing was beautiful, the imagery was glorious and the vocab was great. i don't know if this will make legends but it is very close. an excellent drop, and a great read. i really enjoyed this piece. the whole second verse was perfect i don't think anybody could find anyway to do it better. period. the others were both good and the ending wrapped it up nicely. i have read it four times now and i still cant find anything wrong with it. good job and i have a feeling this will make legends.

if you could please return the favor. i have a piece called In Hiati.

link to In Haiti

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=148548

yo man,
that was some tight stuff. djb was right, the second verse was awesome man. it was the best. at first i thought you were gonna make da piece mushy about how u found ur perfect chick and all dat romantic stuff, but u really swithced it up well and i really liked it. it caught me emotionally and all dat.

my bad Credz, i was kinda in a rush to post this. ^thanks peepz i appreciate it.

1. djb-In Haiti
2. Chucky East-Within

peACE

hit this up peepz, drop links if needed. thanks.

word, don't sleep peepz, i always hit up in return.

beautifully written.. i really liked every aspect about this piece. line lengths were nice & flowing.. had some nice internal rhyme scheme throughout. Designed nicely into the three different sections. Dope vocab, metaphorical, idea combinations at certain times in the piece. All around a full package, storyline was great.. i was hoping for the awesome ending and the death. The whole "shelf" thing at the end made it 4x doper.

Very Nice.. keep up, man.

that shit was tight... i really liked the readin.. nicely done keep it up

thanks dog, drop some more feed please.

up...

hit this up peepz and be sure to drop links.

This was a good piece.

It wasn't on the same writing level as some of your more recent work with the nominations and such. The vocab level was good but wasn't consistent as the first and third verses lacked the imagery the words in the second verse depicted. The flow was good and the transitions were fluid.
Imagery wasn't really a necessity in this kind of narrative, so I won't mention that.
Something to be pointed out is how you began this piece in a first-person narrative but during the last verse, it switched to a third person with the last few lines. You should be constant with your perspective throughout so you never confuse your reader.
Metaphors weren't anything special, along with any other figures of speech. Ending was predictable as the topic of an obsessive love is getting a little old. This was a decent piece, fairly good. Keep it up. Peace.

^she/he never read it. heh. thanks though.

this was a nice piece to read, i like it....
good work
i just plucked out what i thought was the lines out of each verse
even tho the whole thing was good
out of the 1st verse-
But the story just started, you haven’t seen beauty yet
Our lives are more in twined than Romeo and Juliet
out of the 2nd verse-
The seraphic display, of her sad but ravishing face
Blessed my eyes and made my heart drastically race
and i like this opener in the 3rd verse -nice-
Time stopped in its tracks, I just couldn’t believe it
Spent months wondering, but stood to receive shit?
“I don’t agree bitch, we are meant for each other;
We’ll grow old together and we’ll forever be lovers”

thanks man, i really appreciate it. drop feed please.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ace of Aces
^she/he never read it. heh. thanks though.

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Actually, I did read it. I gave you the best feed so far, so how could I not read it and be able to analyze is more efficiently than anyone else?

ey, i was kidding. lol, i know you read it, it was obvious that you had too. and when i say thanks i mean it. sorry if i offended you when i said that. drop links.

peACE

drop links and feed peepz.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ace of Aces
ey, i was kidding. lol, i know you read it, it was obvious that you had too. and when i say thanks i mean it. sorry if i offended you when i said that. drop links.

peACE

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Oh...I thought you were serious...lol, sorry man. Peace.

Collab with Adamant

If you have time...hit that up.

aite no problem, i'll that up when i get back.

drop links.