Jay & Mike: Secret

Two teen boys walk into the old graveyard, dragging something wrapped in garbage bags. I begin to overhear their conversation from my restspot behinde a tree.

You made the strife that smothers this naked night
And you know, nothing makes it right to take a life
...I’m not debating, Mike!! ...I had to save the lives-
That we lead, which means; I had to slay the dyke
Darkness marked this night, cause you parted life
With your heartless knife. I can’t believe you started
Mike!.. Shut up, and dig! You’ve said plenty, mate
So I’m not arguing. Besides, it’s your fault anyway

Jay, you’re the 1 who straddled her waking frame
& the raping came, only for you to start taking aim
Wit that crazy flame - in your eyes as she resisted
“Stop!!!”, she insisted - That’s when it got twisted
And you flipped with that six inch blade in hand
Then stabbed repeatedly - You Never gave a damn
Cause you kept going, & going - Its because of you-
I’m mixed up in murder... I don’t know what to do...

For starters, shut up & dig - Wanna revisit the past?
OK, fucker - You’re the one who put pills in the glass-
Drugged the whore up and raped her KO’d body
Then you called me in to get a free ride - Got me?
...Gooood. Now realize it’s your fault I’m in this shit
You obviously didn’t slip the bitch enough pills, nitwit
I’ve got my whole life ahead of me - It’s tragic, why?
The bitch woke up - Me or her!? - She had to die!!

*cries*.. I swear, I didn’t really want to hurt the kid
I... I fucked up!... I, truthfully, don’t deserve to live
Alone at that dumb party... God, why’d I spot her?
Shit... God, What am I going to tell to my father?

Nothing!..
For the next few days, I’ll keep you in my site...
You’ve got to get over it - I wont let you ruin my life
As for your father, I’m pretty sure he’ll def. miss her,
But It’s not my fault you had a thing for your stepsister

Come on, Mike. Wipe your eyes and lets finish covering the body. Me and you, homie. We’re In this together. Be strong. We can pull through.

-W1

Author's Note: I wrote the first stanza months ago. I havn't written an open mic in almost a month, so I decided to finish this one off, just to try and shake rust off. I hope you enjoy.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...87#post1722987
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...92#post1722992

wow deep and graphic. crazy story, good imagery i felt like i was there. excellent piece nice vocab, it seemed liked it fit the mood. i like how you had them studder and pause. it made it seem more realistic. nice stucture i enjoyed how you used different colors to help the reader make out who was speaking. You are a really good story teller.
this was your best line. After this i was hooked. brillant
"You made the strife that smothers this naked night
And you know, nothing makes it right to take a life"

please return the favor.

Thanks. Favor returned. Drop links.

-W1

Hence Forward.

-W1

yea dat drop was Real Creative, yall dropped some deep shit, i was feelin tha Word play it was hot, yea u brought that story strong, u had me n 2 it, keep come'n wit hot shit, stay up^

This piece was very creative, you have a very vivid imagination Wicked. Some of the rhymes were good, some weren't, ie mate and anyway kind of lost the flow.

The twist wasnt needed but it gave it an ended, maybe could of added an extra verse and made it a bit longer, a bit stronger.

"For starters, shut up & dig - Wanna revisit the past?
OK, fucker - You’re the one who put pills in the glass-
Drugged the whore up and raped her KO’d body
Then you called me in to get a free ride - Got me?
...Gooood. Now realize it’s your fault I’m in this shit
You obviously didn’t slip the bitch enough pills, nitwit
I’ve got my whole life ahead of me - It’s tragic, why?
The bitch woke up - Me or her!? - She had to die!!"

^^The best verse, really helped get it over with me.

9/10 for your imagination... Being kind...
7/10 For your rhymes and words used.

8/10 overall.

very well done especially using 2 perceptions in one. the style of composing worked for this well and u are very discriptive u painted the picture well.u have a great nack for verse story.

Hence Forward.

-W1

fucking awesome...best drop i've read in awhile....i got really stuck into this story and actually didnt want it to come to a closer....The creativness pulled you in and made you stay there...Nice use of wordplay, very creative, you gave both characters a great feel.....Overall i rate this 9/10 really enjoyed it alot......Like to see some more and fuck this would sound great on audio..

I dropped a small verse open mike, very different style...scope it if ya like

Thanks for the replies.

-W1

Hence Forward.

-W1

this was dope man, no doubt about this. best i've read in OM this month. ima nominate this for OM HoF when i got the time. the imagery, the flow, and the storyline just captivated me. OM's like this are my favorite because its as if it gives a different experience then just reading, off the hook man. real nice, keep up the damn good work.

peACE

Good looks.

-W1

nice job. This was an enjoyable piece dewd
the thing i liked about it the most was the
way you set it up, going back and forth
between the two characters; bringing out both
perspectives on the story, this i thought really
added some emotional depth to the scenario.
As far as everything else you were pretty much
on point, imagery wise, flow, etc...also i liked
the kewl little twist at the end..again nice job
man, keep it up..props

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=148862

i just wanna know what tha fuck u were doin chillin in a grave yard alone at night!? lol

nah, they already said it, creative, nice twist, u built tha 2 characters well... they werent tha same type of person like alot of ppl would have done, one was a little scared and tha other was tha leader.. i liked that

im just gonna try and give u somethin constructive, ya know...

take another read through ur rhyme, and pretend ur actually hearing tha ppl talk like that... would u ever actually hear ppl talkin like that? when ur gonna tell a story with 2 ppl havin a dialogue uve got a fine line to walk between telling tha story and sounding normal.

i worked as a creative writer for a year and one thing i learned was let tha narrator tell tha story and let tha characters be characters. that way u can have them saying realistic things and better build their character... and u can percisly tell tha story with a narrator.


not that having 2 characters tell a story cant be done.. its just hard. in this paticualr case i would have leaned towards having a narrator tell tha brunt of tha story instead. just my opinion.

either way, it was excelent shit bro, looking forward to readin more from u

that was dope as hell