why ??? need sum feedback

sumtimez i cry , i dunno why
sumone tell me why all solja's gotta die
fuck the goverment what they say is just a lie
president of the usa , fuckin up the country erry day
take a moment of silence and let us pray
this goes out to all fallen youngsta's down irak
not enuff experience to fight in the frontline attack
all soljaz get ready to load your weapons
didn't have the money to take college lessons
parents gettin into deep depressions
their kids got taken away , never gone see dem again
livin in a world so dark lookin at nuthin but rain
grip your hands together , let us burn sum candles
if we stay together i am sure we can handle
they were affraid to die on the battlefield
our soljaz got used as a human shield
you could see fear in their eyes
they wont cry for one life ,they just wanted them to die
NOW SUMONE TELL ME WHY
IS THIS THE REASON WHY WE CRY


never dropped 1 herre b4,but chcek it out...
By Yvonne

Causality Sex
By Stlshowmegurl

Not badd mayn, enjoyed readin this. U elevated alot from ur first drop. The rhymes was a bit basic but i could follow it, and u spoke from the heart. Could feel emotion in it, could feel the story too. Flow was good, wasnt very creative but i enjoyed this anyways. Wasnt boring and long either.

Nice one. :thumbup:

1

yea word up to dat faggot woogsta above me^ haha j/p dawg...but yo I enjoyed reading that shit...best of all it wasnt LONG or REPETETIVE nah mean. Shit gave me sum tingles readin it...I felt ur feelings in it thru da verse. Did u know sum1 who die in da war or suttin?

yea , my cuz died in a war
ty ........ for the feedback

uppin ...........

better than your first drop, might I suggest you are a tad more conservative with the pseudo-ebonic speech? That stuff comes in handy when you want to twist a word to slant rhyme but every other word being chopped to bits and re configured gets old.
Definitely more substantial than your first drop, feels more like you are getting to know what your enemies are rather than putting out the "fuck shit up for the sake of it" vibe. Still the rhymes were basic and I was reminded of tupac's lullaby-cry-die-try rhyme he ov er used in his material.
peace

This was aight. Concept is very played. Work on more multies and internals. It will do wonders for your flow. Overall, this was averageish. Keep writing, homie.

My Open Mic: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=148031

-W1

iight ...
uppin ........ drop sum feedbacks

uppin
c'mon drop feedbacks

deffinate elivation from before work still a mi9ssing element i liked it alot it was a great read.

Not bad dawg, I liked it had good flow, emotion, and on topic, but u need to be doing topical battles, this would strike me as a topical potential but do wat ya want to....

8/10

ty y'all
......... uppin
need more feedback
pz

Im not gonna say I liked this, because i didnt.
But i also didnt hate it, so props to you Street Rydah.

At first i thought you using the word 'Solja' was a way of say your 'friend' or 'homie' like Ive heard before, i was pleasently surprised of the way you used the word.

Your best lines, in my eyes were...
"they were affraid to die on the battlefield
our soljaz got used as a human shield
you could see fear in their eyes
they wont cry for one life ,they just wanted them to die"... The last line kinda killed this part, but it had a place and it was there.

Keep droppin Son.

ty bruh
uppin .......
need more feedback
pz

upping
wake up ppl
read this & drop sum feedback
....... comon

that was good enjoyed reading ... overall nice drop

ty for the feedback y'all
still upping ..........
comon ppl

nice shit man good work, really takes a look how the bush has fucked things up with the iraq shit and why kids join the army, it may not be in detail but it comes across strong, short and sweet, nice drop man props.

ty bruh
still upping for this piece
pz

yo
say whta ya think bout this stuff
honest comments plz
.........

this was cool. i felt the emotion behind it. some of the rhymes were a little too simple. i don't knokw if you purposly did that or not, but none the less you still got your point across and it was an ok read. Himself is right about your best lines. i liked the way you ended it off also it leaves you thinking. alright drop keep it up.

ty for the feedback bruh
& for the rest who gone b readin this
DROP A FEEDBACK AFTER YA READ SHIT ..... hehe
pz

nice read...flow and vocab was on point. i agree with you on the topic, bush has got to go. showed raw emotion, keep droppin for real

Nice drop, I enjoyed reading this even if it is a played subject. Thought it had a good consistent flow and wasnt long and boring like some others. Stayed allright the whole way through but the rhymes were a bit simplistic. Apart from that it was quite good.

wouldnt wanna sound like a broken record so I cant really give you much.
However I kinda liked your peice it was aiight.
keep postin dawg.
return the favor if you would plz.

kinda simple

ty for the feedback y'all
still uppin on this piece
comon yo
this is a gd 1
pz

Yea I enjoyed reading it fam nice drop. I liked it a lot better than your other one. Keep at it though. I'll holla.

its aight...i mean flow was real choppy but emotion was nice. i was feelin alotta the shit you were talkin bout in this piece

grip your hands together , let us burn sum candles
if we stay together i am sure we can handle
they were affraid to die on the battlefield
our soljaz got used as a human shield

i was feelin that right there. nice drop. stay up

Dont Up Old Pieces.