House Rules
Topic: If She Came Back
Due: Thursday Midnight - Eastern Time
G/L!
Peace
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House Rules
Topic: If She Came Back
Due: Thursday Midnight - Eastern Time
G/L!
Peace
^ You forget about the line limit.
Whatever.
I will be lead by my heart and mental.
In...
Title 'If She Came Back'
I was Blinded-
A dream was fu-filled , when a dove entered my life,
Opened me and my heart excepted you as my wife.
You labeled me your Knight. Nothing but labels fables
Myths to keep use stable, Out my life, fallen Angel!
-
I gave you all I had, my trust, heart everything I got
putting hours into the relationship like a work of art.
But you kept brushing the strokes of love far apart.
You never trusted me, and had the nerve to cheat!
My heart spews out the feelings, Now I'm left bleak.
-
Season changed you've Fallen off my life-less tree.
Abused my roots and nerves, dead are my feelings!
Banished, from inhaling the breath of a kiss from Bio
and the air of another man can never give you H20.
We will forever grow but not together weather your
bad storms alone, no love for you never-more.
-
I probably would have committed suicide I already tried,
from the grief you left blessed without your endless lies.
I graduated college, but if you was here I would have slipped
Cause you stayed calling me, asking me "Whose this B*tch"
-
If you was to come back just would be more pain
just re-frame yourself in the picture ,alone I can maintain.
But yet you consistently call and harass me, will I let you in,
"Come Back To Meee" I admit to my ears it's like sweet Hymns.
I talked it over with my heart as it still does beat for my Angel,
I'll let you back cause my feelings over-rides my Mental.
True Story!
checking in................................................ ....
(It's a true story too, not copying him, it happened to me with a girl I was dating for 2 and a half years)
My mind continues to play, those days we spent together.
The night time pleasures and picnics ruined by the weather.
Letters wrote to each other, expressing how we both felt.
But love died a thousand deaths, as hate to each other was dealt.
As our hearts began to melt, alot of seasons passed by.
So high on love, we passed heaven, just to reach it's skies.
Why we met each other, I'll never know, only God does.
Now our love is gone, past tense, it used to be, it was.
Kisses and hugs, just to show each other the amount we cared.
But in your time of needs and hurt, I was the only one there.
We shared joy, with no voids, just a life built for best.
We'd watch sun rise in the east, make love while it set in the west.
The rest of men treated you wrong, but I gave you my heart.
My soul, my love, my life, you helped all come out of the dark.
Things changed over time, my mind knew love was a crime.
But as our relationship collapsed, I pretended everything was fine.
You cheated on me, made me feel like shit, made me depressed.
Still I continued to love you so, my love for you grew no less.
Parts of me were given to you, I wanted you in all my lives.
Nobody could replace you, I'd pick nobody else, no other wives.
Is you came back, I'd never take you, just let depression reign.
Even if she changed, things between us will never be the same.
To everyone else reading this poem, here's a warning to heed.
If your love can't grow strong, then while would you plant the seed.
uppin x1.............................will return the favour with an honest vote.......
Bio-I liked the story you told although a lot of the rhymes seemed forced. You started off kinda week then built it up in the middle but it got week again. You had some good emotion in some places but it wasnt consistant. Vocab couldve been stronger, as well as imagery. The best parts where the second paragraph, also "Season changed you've Fallen off my life-less tree.
Abused my roots and nerves, dead are my feelings!"
seven- your verse had more emotion in it. The imagery was decent and it flowed much better than bios. The vocab couldve been a bit stronger but i dont feel it neccisarily hurt either peice. you kept my attention with this. Best lines was the first paragraph and "Things changed over time, my mind knew love was a crime.
But as our relationship collapsed, I pretended everything was fine.
You cheated on me, made me feel like shit, made me depressed.
Still I continued to love you so, my love for you grew no less."
vote- seven
can you please return a favor and vote on this...its being slept on really bad. I know you cant though, Bio because your in Macabre's crew but Se7en, please hit this up. thanks http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=144501
awwwwwwwwwww
you guys are soooo sweeeeeet and emotional
i guess thugs cry too
lmfao @ fuckiin cry babies
Honestly, I think Se7en got this.
Bio, I liked how you used a true story to explain the topic, but a big thing that ws missing for me was the emotion. Vocab was mediocre, imagery was on point, but everything seemed pretty basic. Had a few really nice lines, but you never held any sort of consistency. Work on intertwining creativity and emotion with your words and bars.
Se7eN, Again..the true story approach is unique. Probably the thing that stood out the most in your verse was how everything came together so smoothly. Had alotta feeling in this and the creativity was strong. Held my interest the whole way through and I think you just did a better overall job of explaining and sticking to the topic. Prolly only thing to work on is your imagery a little and step up the vocab. Nice read.
Vote / Se7eN
Both had a god story to it! but some Rhymes seemed Forced by both peoples. But over all..... yall was ok!
But im looking for somebody to battle!!!!!!
I guess I look at things totally different...
Emotion wise metaphor wise....
and when it comes to a poem flow
wise isn't seriously stressed....
but ama shut up....sike...
HOW THE HELL CAN U SAY I LACKED EMOTION....
F-ing
uppin x2...................................Vote People.......~~~+
Actually..I think Bio got this. I mean..don't get me wrong, it was a damn close battle..but here's how I saw it.
Bio's was a good story..he used good terminology and language to tell the story. Imagery was decent..not top notch, but decent. Emotion was also good. Some rhymes were a bit forced, but nothing ridiculous. Overall..this was a good drop, nothing fantastic, but good.
Seven..you basically copied Bio's take on this topic..but that doesn't really matter because you told it differantly. Vocab was ok. Emotion was top-notch. Imagery was decent. Some rhymes were forced as well.
So basically it comes down to who's verse I enjoyed more, as both of them were technically almost equal. My vote goes to Bio..but damn close.
/v Bio
DQed for suspicious voting, since they were both in the same crews not long ago. -Token
uppin x3.....................Vote and I'm returning the favour with honest votes..........Tonight for everyone who has voted, and not d/r votes, juss honest votes, like I always do
Lol @ Macabre....voting for meh
All I ask is for honest votes as well
I mean not to sway but we need
heads in here that drop Open Mics..
On the real I took this.
and what the hell is unique about your drop..?
you copied off of me, which you have fed before.
So be real with yourself .
Topical Open heads only like Dez, Wicked, etc.
let them vote.
peace
I'm topical...
^ Yeah but he thinks it's suspicous because
we used to be in the same crew....
To me it's BS
uppin x4.............................Vote honest.......
Yes Vote honest please.....
Stealing concepts isn't allowed....
And moderators need to see this pathetic crap.
He did it in LLL jr too with the feeding ish...
Alright well considering that im a topical/ mostly poetry person this will be a good and honest vote
Emotion-Even Though Se7en's story was true i would have to give the emotion to Bio becuase i felt that his pieces brought me in more and had me feeling like it happened to me... but both pieces was very well written...
Imagery-Again im going to have to give this to Bio... Se7en you had very good imagery and your piece drew me in when i was reading it but i just felt that bio's piece drew me into the piece more and was more indepth...
Structure-Im going to have to say this is a tie...even though se7en had the smaller font and if it was the same size it would be lager its not bigger so they are both equal to me...
Flow-This goes to Bio due to the fact that he had better rhyme scheme and his verse was more complex...the vocab was more complex and indepth and was all around more solid becasue se7en came really simplistic...
Creativity-im not going to give this to anyone because they both had the same concept and granted bio came first im not se7en so i dont know if he did go off of him or if it was already written...
good battle both but i just felt that bio took it
v/bio
Close, close, but I felt that Bio took this for putting more emotion after the fact. Both ahd the emotion, but I thought Bio focused more on the post break up than pre break up, and that's the reason he won. Great battle.
Vote: Bio
both did good. props to both. good luck.
Bio - First off props for yer verse mayne. I've always
thought of you as a text head, but it's nice to see peeps
branch out into other faucets of writing. Okay, i'll start with
the first half of your piece. For starters i thought you
did a nice job with the intro as it really had that sorta feel
to it. The last line or two seemed to be worded a bit weirdly
which i think had to do with to much focus on multies, but
no biggie. The second paragraph or stanza however felt
kinnda bland to me. I liked the art metas, yet i just lacked
the emotion that i thought it could've had. Not to take
away anything from you, because i know it's based on
personal experience, but i thought it could've been displayed
in a stronger fashion. The third part i personally thought
was were you made the strongest showing. I loved the metas
here, most notably the tree one, plus the word play
w/ kewl..."weather your bad storms alone". The emotion
was also strong, nice work. The fourth paragraph again
i felt kinda lacked, i dont know exactly what it was but
i just didnt feel it like the previous one. Still though
the emotion was apparent. Conclusion wise, not bad
but could have been a little better. Although this line
was just dope..." If you was to come back just would be more pain
just re-frame yourself in the picture ,alone I can maintain."
regardless i wasnt really feeling the ending, it just didnt
seem to fit after everthing she'd put you through. Yet
since it was a true story i suppose you can only say what
happened so i'll give that to you...all in all nice job duke.
Seven - wow dewd, really a nice job here. I've only seen a
few topical from you, but this one seriously impressed me,
good work. Anyways, let me break it down for ya.
Starting with the intro, i thought it was pretty good.
Similar to BC's it did a nice job of leading into the body
of the piece. Not much emotion, some nice imagery though.
The second part was definitley where you made your
strongest showing. Great emotion throughout, plus it
really made an impression on me being that some of the
things you conveyed i could seriously relate to. The
conclusion to me is where you sealed the deal.
Especially your last line, which was kewl. Basically it was
some what predictable but still i prefered it over Bio's
therefore...
v/ Seven..sorry Bio it was close, but i had to go w/ personal
preference on this one. Props to both and keep at it.
As our hearts began to melt, alot of seasons passed by.
So high on love, we passed heaven, just to reach it's skies.
Why we met each other, I'll never know, only God does.
Now our love is gone, past tense, it used to be, it was.
Kisses and hugs, just to show each other the amount we cared.
But in your time of needs and hurt, I was the only one there.
We shared joy, with no voids, just a life built for best.
We'd watch sun rise in the east, make love while it set in the west.
The rest of men treated you wrong, but I gave you my heart.
My soul, my love, my life, you helped all come out of the dark.
Things changed over time, my mind knew love was a crime.
But as our relationship collapsed, I pretended everything was fine.
You cheated on me, made me feel like shit, made me depressed.
Still I continued to love you so, my love for you grew no less.
Parts of me were given to you, I wanted you in all my lives.
Nobody could replace you, I'd pick nobody else, no other wives.
Is you came back, I'd never take you, just let depression reign.
Even if she changed, things between us will never be the same.
To everyone else reading this poem, here's a warning to heed.
If your love can't grow strong, then while would you plant the seed.
Seven-
fuck sorry, i accidently posted Sev's verse atthe end of my vote..
just disrregard it please. Again my bad.
My 5th and last upping...
Vote and I will return the favor.
I know I don't have enough post
so I will go on my Bio*Chemist
account.
Thanks for other votes and well
breakdowns. Oh yeah Se7en sorry
for the arguments earlier, close battle
indeed peace.
both verses were real real nice, and both had everything needed to get the vote, but bio's verse was more apealing to me, and thats the reason he got my vote....................BOTH were good.
vote=bio
damn excellent verses from both man fo real emotion and imagery made me feel like i was really there from both of you but imma have to say se7en took this shit by a pube hair his made me really feel it
vote/se7en
Both drop was kinda boring, work on transitions u fuckers. Bio had nice imagery emotions could been betta 7 was good 2 but kinda fell off and on....but overall i have to give it to
v/:Bio
close battle...............
bio you gave me a clear picture which...brought alot of emotion...the imagery was there..nuff said......the flow was tight....and i enjoyed reading the whole thing...i usually dont read the whole topical...but this kept me reading...
tight verse
Seven yours was also tight dawg....you brought alot of creativity...the structure was there to ( nothin special thou)...in your topical i was surprised because after the first few lines i thought it was gonna be boring but it turned out pretty nice.....but i was glued to Bio's verse so thats my final vote..
Bio
hit up my battlez if yall can
Bio..
I really liked the idea of using a true story, it just adds to the emotion and overall feeling of the verse itself. And the way you set it up was cool, almost like a book. Intro/Hook, background/Body, Conclusion. I liked the way how you talked about the topic, without directly talking about it. You painted us a picture of what you went through, and led the reader to believe that there was no way you'd go back to that relationship after what you went through, then the ending suprised me. AND, the ending was not only strong, it had alot of emotion in it, even though it was just one bar.
That was just a cool way of tying/summarizing the whole story up in one line. Only downfall I saw in this was wording/vocab.. some of your wordage didnt fit well together and it kinda stood out.. example:Quote:
I'll let you back cause my feelings over-rides my Mental.
^ "if you was"...That was the 'hood' slippin out ;)Quote:
If you was to come back just would be more pain
'If you were to come back, it would just cause more pain'
Se7eN..
Kinda weird how you used the same 'true story' approach.. just kinda a bitch move to copy him.. but, with that said....
Opener was strong, especially the first bar. You set the tone and made the reader wanna continue on and find out more about what limited information you told us in the intro.
Ok, first off, vocab was decent, you kept really strong imagery throughout and every line seemed to hit with nice emotion. But what was your biggest downfall and what lost this for you was the fact that you talked about more of what you two DID together, rather than stay on the topic. And, unlike Bio, you didnt really stay consistent, and what I mean by that, is the first 2 bars in the body read like intro bars. It just didnt belong there. Everything else, structure, flow, blah blah etc was perfect.
It was actually hard to pick a winner, but, Bio did get this win. It was kinda close though, both dropped nicely.
Vote.. Bio
Vote DQ for being on IJL roster - TR
Rule vote was DQ
wow this was a really close topical battle done well by both of you
Bio- I thought you had a well thought out verse nice how you made it all flow and used a real life story worked well but at times i felt like i fell of track with what you were trying to say the language you used was also nice and you had some decent Imagery but lacked in emotion i felt overal good job
Se7en-I dont really think you copied him with the same approach it was diffrent and i liked your take on it more i felt you came more rounded and on point with a nice flow and imagery and you used more emotion and feeling in your verse that gave you this battle in my views
vote......se7en no hate
please return favor
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=146739
Tim's vote polled - BTK