Topic: The Pain Within
Min. 14 lines
Max. 24 lines
Both Verses Are Due On Sept. 10th, Friday by Midnight Eastern Time
...Good luck to both....and Mes. said she'd marry me...
Printable View
Topic: The Pain Within
Min. 14 lines
Max. 24 lines
Both Verses Are Due On Sept. 10th, Friday by Midnight Eastern Time
...Good luck to both....and Mes. said she'd marry me...
lol^.............................................. ...check.......................................... ...........
Sorry..i've been away but I'm back now. In. Let's go 20?
The thrusting pain pierces me like a gleaming scimitar,
My being wants to be freed, but there's no escape from the car.
Locked doors encompass the prison that limits me,
The bandana blocks my sight, darkness is all I can see.
Bound and gagged like a fetishist, as I get stuck like a pig,
Even if I tried my damndest, I deeper hole I could not dig.
Grunting assails my ears, hands defile my presense,
This pain hurts so much, this situation makes no sense.
I can feel it entering again..I didn't want it to be this way,
After today, what will my first lover say?
Darkness shrouds the car, nobody could hear my cries..
..will this man let me go, or will this man make me die?
He looked so harmless..just a helpful passerby..
Now my only comfort, is the warm tears that I cry.
Virginity escapes my body like a grain of sand in the wind,
Intercourse before marriage, father I have sinned.
But it wasn't my choice dammit, he overpowered my frame,
And all he'll get is a quick fix, amongst his friends he'll have fame.
The pain stops suddenly, as he pulls his thing out..
Will my mind ever recover? Something I highly doubt.
As he throws me out of the car..my mind is in a spin,
The defiling of a young girl, the rape of a virgin.
I went 22 I think. G/L
Through an ambiance of diabolic dreams, chaotic screams pierce my ears
Fierce shadows crawl amongst my frozen body to unlock my greatest fears
My breath becomes surpassed by infected ashes of tormented souls
The abyss of eternal pain has swallowed my life entirely whole
Fangs of broken glass dig in the walls of my sweltered skin
The pain harrows deep; sinking me into this grave of eternal sin
Nocturnal grins of evil stare into my torn eyes from jealous beasts
They feast upon fresh flesh; there is no time of ease or release
The pain is far too grueling…its only fueling into more
Dying is a cycle, never ending, “God save me!” I implore
But I only hear deafening screeches of savaged devils at my feet
Repeated demonic gorges, suffocation, and stifling heat
Incubuses raping me, no escaping pleas just debris from inside
Tied by thorns, Satan laughs, as I bellow and shamelessly cry
Pain on earth was pleasure compared to this living hell
Eternally condemned, pain is where I dwell….
Up......................
..........................
..............................vote................ ...........
mesmerize had a good take on this one ilike the flow teh structure and image
Macabre also had a good takeon this the lfow was nice structure and image
but my vote goes 2 Mesmerize
v-mesmerize
mesmerize got this one
you both could work on your stucture
good vocab......
kept on topic.......
good flow both of you but mesmerize take this one ight.......!!!!
Eww..that's why we should have put this in Elite. Good battle Mezmerize..I just hate these wack 2-line voters :(
wtf im wack lol ur crazyi used 2 be close 2 elite but i shut off my otha account lol now i jus mess aroudn on battles
but its kool no hate right
thanks for the votes...keep em comin....but lets try to explain a little more next time ey :thumbup:
Upping............................................
upping............................................ ...#5
uppizzle....
Conclusion and br8kdown.......
Imagery-Tie, both came ok in this category..............
Flow-Tie, both had ok flow and easy read.......
But Emotion is what mesmerize win this piece, he came juss a little better than macabre and that's what got him to win this topical battle.......
Conclusion-Mesmerize pulls this one off.......And it gets him the win........
Vote/Mesmerize
Mesmereyes is a girl....lol..
Very interesting battle indeed, each came with an aggressive approach to the topic. Each described the pain inflected and torture in the flesh with vivid imagery and solid emotion, so props to you both. This si a battle so there has to be a winer, but I liked each of your drops here.
Macabre, you took us down a highway of twisted imagery and descriptive scenery and left us with a feeling of disgust for the heinos crimes commeted against the purity of a young girl. Very good way to grasp your audience, the image is burned and the emotion felt. I think you started this off well and led us on a bit before we could gather enough to understand the focus here. Keep my interest, yet seemed rushed to me in the end. That did take away from the overall drop, technically this was a good display, I just wish you would have used a less conventional scheme. I think you could have elaberated more on the ending.
Mez, again another great approach to the topic on your part. You had me feeling on edge from the start to finish. rather slow to build but not rushed in the end, which is a good balance. Emotions was felt and imagery was on point, great use of style here. YOu did not load this with vocab overkill, and you keep the drop well proportioned. Technically this was good, conceptually original, and refreshing in a diabolic sense. Again I just wish a less conventional scheme was incorperated which would have put this peice on a higher level. Great job on this, outside of a few structural and scheme related issues this was a well written peice.
Both writters demonstrated skill and originality, each used to the topic well and each should be proud of thier work.
Macabre
Use of topic: 8
Concept: 8
Style: 9
Emotion/Imagery 9
Area of improvement: Scheme, concept and detail (ending), meter
Mez
Use of topic 9
Concept 9
Style 9
Emotion/imagery 9
Areas of improvement: Scheme, line length and syllable count, meter.
Vote= Mez
topic=mez.........not to far infront of next dude but you kept it constant
imagery=mez..........i felt the flow cuz what more should i say
style=tie............yall both had a nice unique style which i enjoyed
flow=tie...............both was easy to read.
vote=mez
hit up my battles........i'll return the favor
Up for this to be over with....
Following in the other footsteps... I have to say the same.
Mes just had more imagery related words, very descriptive and in a high useage of vocab at t he same time. Her piece had better imagery.. and slightly better emotion I feel, although that was a bit closer. Overall, she gets my vote for those reasons.... imagery,emotion, and higher vocab. Flowed nice as well.
Macabres piece wasn't bad, but she took this...
vote- mes