Eyes Of A Cutter

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...18#post1520018
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...24#post1520024

Every night I see you I cant help but sigh and dream...
As I paint the walls colorful with my silent screams...
All this violence seems..to carry on..it just won’t end...
Another cut made to ease the pain cause I’m broken…
Leaving my clothes soaken..in a puddle of my blood…
Veins ripping apart, more spews, I huddle as it floods…
Thoughts crumble with a thud…I’m reaching the worst…
Everything starts to fade…as I’m greeting the hearst…
Cause my beatings aren’t heard…I only remain quiet…
Enjoying the pain I inflict..with every single vein I slit…
That claims my wrist…leaving behind scars of pain…
Each one for different reasons…that mark its gain…
I start to strain…over each scar that holds its place…
A story for each one…that’s never told, its traced…
It molds to grace…pleasurable…clearing my mind…
Again and again I cut slow and deep hearing it grind…
I’m steering so blind, going the wrong way, no guidance…
Always the same excuse, it was a long day,…I guess…
I got to stop this, so I sit down on my floors vinyl carpet…
And take the razor to my throat to make the final scar slit…

Pretty decent piece...

But this is a rule I try to implement with the really graphic stuff (murder, rape, suicide): The worse the concept, the more you have to explain the character. If this dude is that sick that he gets pleasure from self-mutilation, you're going to have to give him/her some sort of motivation; some type of background.

Outside of that, the piece was nice. The rhymes were there, the flow was near perfect, a couple of times, the rhymes were a little wonky (like you sacrificed some rhymes for multies that may not have been there), but all in all, it was pretty cool.

nice shit. dark, but nice.

never see you post anymore...

this was nice... pretty good use of most standard elements...

it was a little bit stiff for me to flow it... but practiced I'm sure you can make this work... it is a little bit a downer for a topic...

keep it up

Yeah thanks for the feed guys...Yeah, been busy really with work and stuff, only been doing the mod work, im trying to write more though. Kinda rusty i guess haha.

decent, could have had more multis but thats just me,other than that and tha vocab,it was tight.keep droppin tha hottness.

Lmao at this dumbass^. This had a great variety of multies and they were all well placed to help the transitions and flow of this piece. I felt the vocab in this was better than usual, Credz, along with the imagery that painted a vivid picture of pain and the relentless feel of emotion. It could have been more defined if it was longer but I think you were concerned with the actual cutting and journey of the cutter. Very good.

Whoa that was sick! And I agree with Richard as far as your use of multies go (vinyl carpet/final scar slit) Other than that this was a great piece, the wordplay, flow and imagery is sick. Very nice storytelling.

I liked this. Very emotional piece. The imagery did help me visual the actions taking place but like Richard said, I didn't FEEL the emotion. I didn't have a connection with the person at all. I feel that no connection with the character takes away from a piece. Overall I liked it though. Flow was on point with a nice structure. I also have a length problem with my OM's and it seems i need to work on that. Same for u. It's like I was really gettin into it and then it ended. All in all nice work. Keep doin wut ur doin.

Yeah, that was really good. Hits close to home here. I know some people who've killed themselves and many who cut. Kinda scares me though... one of my best friends, Ashlee, cut a little too deep on accident and almost killed herself. I don't think I've ever cried that much. So, hey, if this is an actual personal thing, don't do that stuff and if you need to talk, I'm here.

lmao... that personality test I took was right on. Says I'm sympathetic and a "healer". :P

Anyways, yeah, I liked it. Rhyme scheme is more complex than any of mine (which may not say a lot, lol) and you didn't sacrifice the message to make it rhyme. Good job.

I dont usually reply in OM but the title to this caught my attention, so I read. Im glad I decided to come in here because this was a dope drop. You had me pulled in, in every line. This portrayed emotion in far depth and imagery where I felt as if I were there. Your flow was smooth, and you had some nice multis along the way as well. Structure was great. Very nice piece, I really ejoyed this.

Thanks for the feedback guys, Its much appreciated. Thank Youuu :)

neva seen u om creds but this was dope,
good use of imagery, emotion etcetra etcetra etcetra!!!
im impressed bwoy :thumbup:

Upping To The Skyyyyy..Leave a link and i'll feed on yours too :)

personaily...i thought this was a pretty tight peice works were good flow was nice all though man you need to start write more shit like this more often it was ill i give it 9 outta 10

what goes on in the mind of credz... your quite a morbid guy by the sounds of this... i started resding it and by the end i was needing some valium or sumthing.... you've just fucked up my day, im all depressed...lol... nah this was tight, it progressed nice and you really captured the writers voice good... quite a smooth scheme going.... with a strong ending, and good imagery, you could eally see how he's fucked up.... props
..next time take the lighter approach...lol

I like this piece it was short but it did the job. You managed to get that emotion down an keep a nice flow goin. Very emotional I like it hope theres more of it to come.
Laters.

Nice I liked it very much...really liked the lines about the story for each one that yet has never been told..you shared the views of a cutter very well here I think...nice job!

Wicked. Nice Story Tellin

^^^^LOOOL at wicked...nice drop dogg nice tellin that

dope, dope, dope, dope, dope.... vocab was nice, flow was real consistent and smooth, due to the many multis u had(surprised cats used multis here at rb seein how a majority never does, nor knows about it), imagery was real nice... I really loved reading this, you really explained the pain well, and gave a real good picture of what was happening

sick drop fam, sick drop, wish cats here posted more like this

and yo could u check out mah new open mic.. http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...09#post1528109 ... don't want it to get slept on like my previous open micz were.. thx yo

Thanks for all the feedback guys, Appreciate it...I left feedback on your piece Funk.

Upping, Drop The Links And I Will Return The Feedback :)

Nice piece....

Line that really caught my eyes.
"As I paint the walls colorful with my silent screams"

Deep..
Nice structure , very nicley worded flow scheme.
Nice touch. Nice imagery threw out the piece.
Ok vocabulary. Unique. I read your flow with a beat
went along smoothly.

Overall nice piece. Nice flow, word scheme, and structure.
Felt your emtion on this I read other pieces from you before
I must say this was one the best I've read.


Peace

Thanks, Up :)

WOW! SON THAT WAS GREAT i GOTTA GIVE IT 9.5/10

I actually really enjoyed this. The detail was great, the emotion was good. A lot of good lines in this piece.

This piece really held my attention which was cool. Well done credz. Nice to see you drop again.

Pretty weird shit, dude...

Reminds me of the movie, Bad Dreams...

I used to know a cat like that, not as extreme, but, yeah, the self mutilating kind.

Fucked up shit, man...

Great story, great imagery and flow as well.
Really nothing to critique. You knew what you were doing, dude.

Peace