-
SS: Quick Sand
Walking Alone in the heat of a sandy desert looking for a lake
Sweating; ‘drip-drop’ it hits the ground as my legs start to ache
Been in this wasteland for months I am growing a grey mane
Which doesn’t matter
As a whirlwind of wind makes me strain, my eyes in great pain
In the mist of all this pain I could feel the sand become flexible
The feeling of water makes me able, to keep my mind stable
But finally I realize that I am starting to cave in to the sand
Trying to break lose I scream in my mind as I try to stand
The sand and I clatter
I keep screaming as my mouth becomes filled with the dust
I remember my family and girl realize getting out is a must
But it’s to late I was sucked in by the soft flexible quick sand
I failed to stand, and died with no help from god or any man
-
-
dats some nice shit, the flow was good and tha rhymes to.
-
-
-
-
I agree, the flow was pretty good :P
-
-
this was good.. a lil too simple tho. the rhyme sceme was just not complex enough for my tastes wich i didnt like. but still a good drop. you need more multies because they help the flow soo much. even tho its better than half of RB you still have room to elevate
-
I wish I could write as good as you
-
Thanks Carlos rofl.
and Diverged I will use your tips thanks.
pz.
-
this was aight. it was nice and short. not complex, but it had a good flow to it. alright concept. nice imagery. it could use a lil bit more emotion though. you have some things to work on. when you do that, you'll be a very good writer i feel. hey peep my piece titled "Hell". thanks mynd.
-
^ Thanks
I will Hit up your verse my fellow 'wise friend'
-
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...17#post1466717
^^^Make sure ya hit that up after my reply's been read
Nice piece kinda.. simplicity can work but it didn't get
the full affect here. You could have done so much better with it but
away from the negativity you did grasp a good topic here man.
It was such an abvious take on the SS topic but you
drew a bit of emotion in. If it was longer you coulda kept my
emotive attention going but it wasn't.
More creativity on the family etc woulda gone down a treat
but an average verse overall..
keep writing dude.
-
^I Hit yours up. Thanks.
Upping This.
-
-
-
too simple
the basis was kinda random
it was original though
i liked that
you flowed nicely
vocab wasnt in extreme usage, but too much isnt always good
i like it
leave feedback on my shit.........
in my sig = links
