Don't Remember Me

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=117671
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...83#post1237083

the past stabs forth
...and new scabs form
over old wounds left over from the last storm
when life went rampant and rainy rage coinsided
we were left soaking wet...
with noone to go inside with
and we both decided, that it was for the best
I never spoke;
Confided underneath my heavy breath
that I wanted you to stay here
theres nothing more today, dear
except a cold handshake
and a muttered going away cheer
these memories flash to me much too fast to see
that I had no boarding pass...
...the plane of love flew past me
and these missed opprotunities
showed that my heart was new to me
and I misplace affection by fighting against the unity.
So we're no longer an item,
to be bought, sold or borrowed
maybe in the future I will remember our tomorrows
but I want you to pass me by
with less than a lasting sigh
because we were a staring contest,
but never seeing eye to eye
now you must embrace the fact that you're free
turn around, don't look back...
I don't want you to remember me.

Be Well.

Oooo I liked this Mave'. It seemed different from your usual
pieces for some reason. Your flow was obviously excellent
& the idea of the title. The title suggests a question to me
like "Don't remember me?", but in the end you dint want the
person to remember you. Nice touch. Vocab and consistency
was sustained well which ya normally do anyways.
Short and snappy pieces always catch my attention.
Props.

Hit this plz: be Critical as possible
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=118022

Lovely piece Maven. . flow was like a river. I love your pieces, they're always different and very enjoyable to read. I too thought it was going to be like you asking "Don't Remember Me ?" and you were going to give reasons why, but you caught me off guard. Everything was worded just right, the whole piece was excellent. The ending was especially dope. You need to get on AIM soon, I haven't talked to you in awhile. I'm not a shoemaker, whore.

but I want you to pass me by
with less than a lasting sigh
because we were a staring contest,
but never seeing eye to eye
now you must embrace the fact that you're free
turn around, don't look back...
I don't want you to remember me.
^ ^ The especially dope ending, great job man.

The structure was HORRIBLE .. lol ..

.. but aside from that it was cool, nice to see you're actually getting down Multi's, to work with Flow, yet still keeping the content and going somewhere with it .. you've improved since i read anything by you last, opener was cool, but the wording was off.

the past stabs forth
...and new scabs form
over old wounds left over from the last storm

The 'over' used twice in the same line made it ehhh .. could of possibly used 'remaining' instead of the second over?

It ran well from then on, up till this point:

these memories flash to me much too fast to see
that I had no boarding pass...
...the plane of love flew past me

Flash To Me, Fast To See, Past Me

The last one was a syllable-off which threw it slightly there. Mehhhh .. you probably think im being picky, but im honestly not - its moinor things like that affecting the flow that stand out fairly obvious when reading pieces. I actually enjoyed this, as i said, its dope your usingh more internals / multi's / flow and still keeping the content, there just a few minor flaws to correct here and there.

And please, ditch that structure. Lol. If your piece is gonna be laid out like that, put it in Tahoma and leave it on the left. It's less of an eye sore :^)

fuck baron mynd =D

i took this piece for what it was, forget all that silly structure shit
he's been spending too much time at rm. but aside from all of that
this was really dope. you've improved a lot since i last read anything
of yours. keep writing bro, this is like the epic for all former girlfriends.

deep, lots of niggz can relate to that, that should be on tape somewhere

very very very poetical n it was awesome dude....
soz for the above quote^^^^^^^^^^^^^
but it was v.good and entertaining in a depressin
way....
Very deep and had hidden depths...ILL

nice emotive piece. Structure was odd but it flowed quite nicely nontheless. Nice short piece - some irony there. Liked:

"So we're no longer an item,
to be bought, sold or borrowed"
and

because we were a staring contest,
but never seeing eye to eye
Baron already commented on the two "overs" this line stood out a bit too:

"and I misplace affection by fighting against the unity."
the tense seemed wrong to me. Nice work though - hit my ELEETE collab if you haven't already. (Two Geniuses - One Mind)

thanks everyone...
early in the mornin
rise into the street
light me up that cigarette
and strap shoes on my feeeeeeeeett

ummm... i disagree with baron.. the two 'over's were used differently... so it has something to it... as for the structure... it was fine you just have to read the pauses in the flow...

overall i good drop with vivid imagery....

keep working and peep my open mic....

Well damn, I liked this piece...ALOT.

It had some sort of poetic feel to it, which is different from most of the shit you see in here. And different's good.

Ya structure was amazing, and you produced some sort of imagery that made me feel as if I were there myself. You had nice vocab, and you multies were used sparingly.

If I can add, this may be the best piece i've seen in here lately, Its just refreshing.

Keep up the good work, cuz ima be a regular viewer of your writing. So it better be up to par, or else i'm gonna pick you apart like C-section does anus.

dis was a good read to me....nice vocab....flow coulda used some work but its all good...
i especially liked da line where u said

these memories flash to me much too fast to see
that I had no boarding pass...
...the plane of love flew past me
and these missed opprotunities
showed that my heart was new to me
and I misplace affection by fighting against the unity


good drop
peace

Hot, as always, Maven.

Don't feel like saying much...so...Good JOB ;)

*When is our collab do?*

nice shit

this piece was excellent. you could tell the emotion you put into it while reading. the opener was great, it led straght the reader straight in. vocab was good. and even tho they've been saying the structure was off i think it was on point. it was definetly poetic.

favorite line - "because we were a staring contest,
but never seeing eye to eye"

well done