The Candle Goes Out.

I Sit In The Dark w/ Written Remarks From Pain..
Fitting To Start Drippin What Embarks From Veins..
Kissing The Stars While Gripping Mars w/ Reins..
Visions Of Bars & Living Hard Remain..
In The Distance.. A Candle Has Sparked Its Claim..
Hope Wishes Me To Cope.. So It, Lit A Remarkable Flame..
But My Soul Is Stained..
Its Been Pressed & Freshly Starched w/ Shame..
Im Not Worthy..
Earthly Hearts Stressed Me To March From My Name..
So Why Take Part In This Game?..
Why Walk To Hope's Fire When I Can Escape & Retire..
A Murderer For Hire Can't Wake In The Choir..
So Why Should I Try Ta Shake My Blade As An Admirer..
& Fake Whats Inside .. Like Its A Mistake To Expire..
I've Tried Ta Take Faith In The Higher & Believe..
But Lack Of Faith In Me, Has Me Conspiring To Leave..
From The Moment I Was Concived, Death Was Born..
Feelings Worn On My Sleeve..
Right Next To Where Thier Breath Was Torn..
The Norm Wasn't Precieved..
So I Proceeded To Storm on Killng Sprees.. Scorned..
& Before Long.. Rite & Wrong No Longer Seemed To Belong..
Thier Meanings Have Gone On To Be Lost In Me..
Tossing Me From Peace's Eternity .. The Cost Is Me Burning Awfully..
Can Feel The Beasts' Paws On Me.. Forcing Me To Turn Awkwardly..
& Go Towards The Light I See.. Bright As Can Be..
My Concious Is No Longer Fighting Me.. As He Looks On Excitedly..
I Raise It & Plunge The Knife In Me.. My Life No Longer In Doubt..
But Just To Be Safe.. He Knows To Twist The Handle About..
As The Blood Flows In Ample Amounts.. My Eyes Scamper Around..

Only To See Hope Shed A Tear & Disappear.. The Candle Goes Out.

This is doper than 80% of the garbage thats posted on here & not 1 reply.. not including the pieces by Baron God & Bare Knuckles that are 100% doper.

a very complicated and well writ piece!! and i do agree this is better than 80% of the garbage on here!! your flow was well put down in the piece and the way ya worte ya words was brilliant!! ok i'm thinkin ya used some hidden message and the candle going out is your life which i thought was well potrayed in the piece. also vocab was spot on!! you seem to be more of a poet than an open mic writer but anyway, the piece was dope!! keep this up!!

please please return the favour on racist triumph and poetic torment. links are in my sig. there not long and i would really appriceate it. thanks!!

This was ill. I loved the rhymes cheme, especially at the begining...

"I Sit In The Dark w/ Written Remarks From Pain..
Fitting To Start Drippin What Embarks From Veins..
Kissing The Stars While Gripping Mars w/ Reins..
Visions Of Bars & Living Hard Remain..
In The Distance.. A Candle Has Sparked Its Claim.."

That's some nice shit. The flow was easy. This was overall an enjoyable read. I also agree that this is nacer than most here. I've read about 15 pieces today and yesterday and this is at least top three. Nice Drop. Keep up the good work.

"Tossing Me From Peace's Eternity .. The Cost Is Me Burning Awfully..
Can Feel The Beasts' Paws On Me.. Forcing Me To Turn Awkwardly.."

^this was my favorite line.

Please drop feedback here:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=117801

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Evolve

This is doper than 80% of the garbage thats posted on here & not 1 reply.. not including the pieces by Baron God & Bare Knuckles that are 100% doper.

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Haha .. my last piece got two fucking responses - thats all. :^)

It was a cool piece, flow was a little off syllable-wise in a few places but it was nothing too major .. it read well, held the attention .. nice direction, transition was alright .. internals and multi's are what held it together a LOT as far as flow was concerned .. rounded it off nicely at the end .. quit Capitalising The Multi's motherfucker!


now go reply to Pot1ent's piece.

Zp.

I actually read this early and was about to reply until my cpu froze and thus, I shut it off. Good flow, good structure and purpose. Some nice multies and metaphoric meanings. Hmm, Im too much of a n00b to be able to pick out mistakes so if you want improvement, listen to Baron Mynd. 9/10. Return the favour and hit up Minor Scratching. Thanks.

Thanks Baron... I am working on it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Evolve

This is doper than 80% of the garbage thats posted on here & not 1 reply.. not including the pieces by Baron God & Bare Knuckles that are 100% doper.

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all 2 true...liked this...imagery was spot on as was flow
N word play..
a type of open mic u read twice cos it had depths...
V.good piece just becos its Ill and the flow was flawless

check my open mic...some mad shit

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=118161

A couple of quotable lines. Flow was nice, vocab, etc. I liked this but I don't feel like giving you the normal useless babble - just know that it's there. One thing - it seemed like you chose the rhyming words and then made them fit - which they did fit - but there was something just a little off because of that in some places. Liked this line:

My Concious Is No Longer Fighting Me.. As He Looks On Excitedly..

Very nice work - hit my ELEETE collab if you haven't already. (Two Geniuses - One Mind)

Thanks... & as for ^^.. i never think of rhyming words first & try to fit them in... I write what I think & thats what i post

Feedback

alright evolve i peeped.....thought alot of your rhyme scheme seemed forced but it was a decent piece indeed....easily 80% better than the rest of RB.....i liked your use of the stars planets kinda sifi in a sense...seemed to concieve alot of emotion through the lines...felt personal.......all in all nice piece man....if you could peep mine that would be coool if not i'll sit in the corner and watch it fall to the end,,,,

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=118226

-1-

u have one of the best flows on rb..and of the many other sites ive been to
really easy to latch onto and carries on thruout the whole piece
joy to read
the opener was really good and set the tone for the piece
some really cool imageery generated in this
few other quotables..part about the torn breath
its sad that some of the best writers get slept on here
happens all the time
anyway
props

fin

dope piece.....feelin dis

From The Moment I Was Concived, Death Was Born..
Feelings Worn On My Sleeve..
Right Next To Where Thier Breath Was Torn..
The Norm Wasn't Precieved

for some reason dose words stuckout to me....
flow was quite consistent with only a few awkward moments but dat was covered up by the internals and multis....

good drop...lookin forward tomore
hit dis link if u get a chance need feedbak plz

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=118288

Quote:

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Originally Posted by fgee

u have one of the best flows on rb..and of the many other sites ive been to
really easy to latch onto and carries on thruout the whole piece
joy to read
the opener was really good and set the tone for the piece
some really cool imageery generated in this
few other quotables..part about the torn breath
its sad that some of the best writers get slept on here
happens all the time
anyway
props

fin

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Thank fgee.. I hate it when i go un-noticed

& As far a my flow being forced.. its really not Deacon.. i guess i pronounce words differently or something.. This piece was on point as far as flow goes.. But thanks for your feedback

Stop Sleeping On This!!!

Uppin again!!!!!!!!!!! Stop fucking sleeping on this, its better than what YOU can write.

^I don't know about that :-), but this is getting really slept on, and definately deservese more replies.

what about my peice, first 1 under my sig!! only two replys!!!!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Archival

^I don't know about that :-), but this is getting really slept on, and definately deservese more replies.

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I'll put money on it ^^^^^^

Lets get some feedback on this man.

I Aint Posting Open Mics Here Anymore. It Aint Worth It Because No One Responds. I Am Slowly Leaving This Site.

ive only been on this site a couple of weeks but this was the best piece ive read by far. everything about the piece was incredible, but the flow was especially unreal. props.

If you are going to up this piece... then at least leave a decent reply on it. By the way, I doubt Evolve will see your reply anyway. He still comes here, but not even close to as much as he used to. Anyway, volve, I just realized that i've read this piece probably 5 times since I've been at rb, and still haven't left any feedback. Which is because I originally found it in Legends. But I love this piece.

:p

I'm no rap analyze but damn. This was probably one of the sickest raps I've seen.
I'm not too sure what the story behind it is but wording was great and so was imagery.
LOVED IT