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CV- I exist...
I exist...
blue - Boy
Red - grandpa
What to grip...other then the image of my divine fibs
Going through a shape shift...like a vortex on fine tips
Reading through my old transpripts...thinking "do I exist"
I thrust my fist...at any one who attemps to blame my lisp
for not understanding me...i derserve an apology...
I drop my pen in quantitys...lookin for modesty
listining to harmony... i exsist...constantly
"Grandpa...what do you have for me"
"its a book kid...its somethen you gotta see..
Ive been hearing you dont beleive..." "what"
"you know what i mean...your confused.." "probably"
Im lost man...i dont know where i am, i can barely stand
its like im concrete...but yet sinking through the land
Who am i...I write because i like to lie...i dont cry
the last time i told my self ide shed a tear...
.....was when you died
My minds fried...i repeat who am I
"Im still hear...kid..." "Why do you still call me that"
"Its my way of saying you do exist even if things go bad"
"No you dont understand...things are better...
then theyve ever been"
"then whats wrong...if your going strong... "its not...
that im going strong its that all my ive been caught...
what am i hear for...i have the mind of an adult..but im a kid"
"Then your asking me the truth huh... "Do I..." "You Exist"
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i couldnt get the ending to come out perfectly...sorry
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I like this...good story..I thought the ending was pretty decent..no need to fuss...you are a good storyteller...great imagery!
Im lost man...i dont know where i am, i can barely stand
its like im concrete...but yet sinking through the land
^I have felt like that many times!!!!! Good job!
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yo topic this was tru illness man...
very dope keep it up... Im lovin the
imagery on this and the vocab
wus tight... I got a good perspective
to this from the imagery and vocab and
it flow very well stay at it with the
dopeness...
and peep my 2 latest links in my sig...
and probly ont he front or second page
They are...
....Tragic..Death....
and
....Tragic..Death....(II)
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you got skillz man...don't let nobody tell you different and I won't either
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i see you replied to part I of my story...
if you didnt notice Part II is already up...
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ok man ill check it out...thanx
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why is this getting slept on again....upp this
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I like this piece........it was real good.............you do a great job in telling the story on this piece........good job.......your imagery was great an the conversation back an forth between the boy an his grandpa was a nice touch...........great job
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^^nice pic lol
Good piece topic. i enjoyed the read. very unique I enjoyed the line about sinking through the land. very accademic and unique. a lot of good vocab good flow and a good consistant picture of emotion well done.
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I agree this was a real nice piece man....everything seemed to be good in this....the structure was good.....the flow in it was nice, it stayed on point through out the entire piece.....you had good vocab in this....overall a nice read....keep at it.
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thanx for the feedback...lets get a little bit more...tell me how to improve
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Before I begin.. Please excuse my critique.. im not one to boast on how good you did.
First of all.. I thought it should have been a bit deeper.. the end ended too abruptly. You should have made the ending come gradually. Secondly, make sure you stay consistent with your flow, you seemed to have fallen off a bit here and there. Overall don't get me wrong... this was a nice piece.. I just didn't like it as much as everyone else. You have the potential to be a really good writer. Just take criticism in a mature fashion and you'll do great. Good luck in the future im sure I'll be seeing you around.
Nice drop though.. better than quite a few I've seen today.
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