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Geeeeeeezus christ, this was some long ass shit =P
But a good paiting u pictured, .. w/ a dope story line!..kept me reading, .. & ur flowwas on point, due the inners & multisnot much but they were there when needed, .
She licked her lips, their fullness bleeding to her clenching teeth, she let go of the words
Watching the woman, the blonde woman in the window… Cinderella naked, laughing
She gave herself to that moment, and stepped off the sonic pounding stars shooting
As the little wisps of blossom engulfing lips, nipped the souls of her feet
A life fell into her open arms, and it wasn’t hers, she watched a continuity of a dreams cheat
Liked this, .. very very dope, & its a solid read.. + its dope it enjoyed me, props.
^Thanks Eddy!...I know it's a bit long...I think it came out very well...Thanks... :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Edicius
wow....i read another one of your frickin essays...its kinda like eating candy corn in the sence your like hey look pen dropped again lets see it then bam you see how long it is but you cant stop yourself because its candy but it tastes like corn...well now. This was an amazing peice i love your imagination and your skill to keep me interested throughout the whole story...some lines kinda blew by me but thats just because im not at your level of thinking...great peice, faily long but worth the read...good luck man
The oasis of smiles, and thorns burned to grounds sipped her life away
In nothingness, I exist… she thought, but the words came slow, and her rope began to fray
Good imaginery...Good storytelling...I found the flow awkward, but it tended to straighten out later on...Very long piece...I did skip a bit of it...But had to return to get the full effect. What voacab! Nice piece...9/10
When you said short story I didnt expect this....
Dope piece. Creativity, vocab, flow was all up to par.
You got a good chance of gettin into Legends with this piece.
Good work
^LOL..thanks for taking your tiem to read this! :thumbup:Quote:
Originally Posted by LM
Daaaaaaaaaamn Pen, this shit was long.....but the way you portrayed the picture through your words was great!....this was a great story, an the way you told it made it that much better......all in all it was a dope piece.....like always your flow was there (flawlessly)......good shit Pen keep it up......peace!
^Thank you-Thank you~ I will personaly thank every one who reads this! :)Quote:
Originally Posted by MC PINACLE
^I'm Humbled.... :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Topic
'essay?' damn straight, but if i was grading it, i'd give it an A*! yeah, really cool story, your vocab is like woah..cool, i didn't think it was a piece to be rhymed, more a piece to be told..i dunno, i guess you could work it from that angle, like spoken poetry..
^Thanks..Dork :thumbup:Quote:
Originally Posted by FanTa ZeE
..Uppin....^^
I really want this to be read...:)
The best lines in my opinion :
“She fell and ran and fell again into the lifeless, collecting dirt
Blinded by mingling salt and water, bloody holes scraped into her skirt
Tripping through Snow Blvd, and landing up in pain and regret on White Ave.
She hid inside a trees deep wooden embrace, allowing her eyes to search its oaken figure for a secure cue”
Great story line pretty long it said short story …but I guess it was to you.
Nice very nice unique concepts. Reminds of dreams I have. I wonder do
You have abstract weird dreams? Anyways nice drop as usual keep it up
Peace.
ya very long...but very good too. Reminded me of 'The Raven' by Edgar Allan Poe for sum reason....at least the beginning...your use oj adjectives were good....Excellant imagry....Flow wasn't there all the time...but in a peice like this it didn't really matter....Your vocab is also very good...this would be a dope short store...:) Good up...Keep doin it like ya doin
^Thanks...and about the Dreams...I think we all have crazy dreams.. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Bio*Chemist
pen another dope drop...
like LM said u sed short story... Not full length movie...
and I say mvoie because of the imagery it wus like
you are watching it not reading it... this wus ill man
imagery, flow wus a bit off to me maybe it flowed to you...
the topic eh... the way u used the topic wus dope tho...
I can't compete with this I don't think lol...
any way check my newest Tragic Death(II)...
_-SyaNidal-_...
ok my first impresion is damn i cant read all this. But its suprisingly easy since it always keeps you in the story. Hmm prop one of the best things iv read ina while Props man.....you always come good
^Thanks for taking your time to read this story..^^Quote:
Originally Posted by Eki
LOL, you and your "short" story's. anyway. very well done my man, I don't know how you can have the gumption to sit down and right a 500 bar essay like this, but whatever it is that drives you to do so, would be most welcome in my repetoirre. but anyways. nice piece, good vocab, decent flow. I have always loved your imagery and this piece is no exception. very good job, keep em coming, and use a smaller font lol, makes the structure look better. 8/10
Bump..Bump..Bump...
This was okay :)
This wuz a good piece. It wuz long as hell, but it kept me reading. Good flow and imagery. dope story line.
8/10
drop feedback on my piece: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=115121
damn.. lots of replies.. i wish i got replies this quick...
Yep .. another dope piece bye the rabbit guy.. this was like detaield alot i could almost see it.. well i did in my head but hey im not gunna go into penskilled details wait.. i could write a song about this!!!! lol well this shit was good.. even if it was looooong as hell.. your shit kept me into it.. good piece.. correction another good piece
you got skills...
hit this up
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=115099
^Thanks... :)