.Shrouded In Mist.

Shrouded In Mist

A figure distantly appeared, Face nearly visible but the cloud interfered...
Mist covered the darkened road, the moonlight lit, then disappeared...
A murky figure walked slowly, eerily quietly and recognisably lowly...
Was he a saint, a proclamation of Jesus, maybe a soul ever so holy...
As he came within recognisable distance, His walk retained its consistence...
Was he real, Why was his appearance so surreal, did he have believable existence...?

The man, He, took me by the arm, sat me down...and well, started talking to me.“

I’ve lead a life conscience of sin, So many events, Where do I begin...?
I’m already dead, you must be courageous & release my spirits within...
So many tears I shed, and in your life I can foresee so many fears ahead...
I could have betrayed my father, But I stayed straight Instead” He proudly said...
I Sat listening attentively, But my brain kept conjuring up thoughts relentlessly...
So many visions and life’s collisions were set out, right in front of me...

Then, Suddenly the man...showed me his hands...they were bleeding inexorably.

“This” he sadly said, “Is the result of the worlds sin being placed on my head...
For every sinful life damned another innocent soul ends up needlessly dead...”
An astounded presence overcame me, I looked straight into his eyes, He looked at me...
I didn’t realise that, by living a life free of sin, heaven for me he could guarantee...
“All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven”, I suddenly felt chagrin…
But was somehow thankful for his infinite and irreplaceable advice given…

Then, Without warning the man, turned and walked off back into the clouded distance…

As he walked away, I stood incredulous tryin’ to shout with nothing to say...
I reminisced all the times I had betrayed this man, each and everyday...
I had to change but my mind was in a delusional state of derange...
However this experience would change my life, never mind how strange...
Then it hit me, that figure, how’d he posses the power to control us...
The ability to confess & relieve our stress, Holy shit...that guy, he was Jesus...

Nice...nice...nice. Vocab was on point. Flow style was good. Nice retrospective piece. The ending was pretty easily foreseeable but good nonetheless. Hit my "Broken Metamorphosis" if you can.

too tired to reply..
i'll edit 2moro with reply
upping in mean time


pretty nice piece
imaginative and pretty well set out
more of a poetic piece really due to the flow
i latched onto who the piece was about half way thru and it
the topic wasnt very original but you gave it a good twist and a personal touch

pax

Really nice piece man. . Imagery was good, really helped the content in this piece. . Topic was fresh, nice to see. . Flow was on-point, Vocab was just right, you're intelluctual, that's good. . Ending was really good man, your imagery made it foreseeable like SMZ said, which in some cases isn't bad. . I'll be checking more of your pieces man, I liked this one, Pz.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=113776
^ ^ Hit that up with one of those breakdowns you do. . appreciate it.

uppin' while i'm here.

Yo dog i gotta say i really dont read really long lyricks like that,
but damn yo to me that was really tight you kept me on the edge of my seat the whole time, everything was good, Lyricks, vocab, and delevery.
Dont change a damn thing, some people would kill to have some shit like that keep it up!

p.s. If you down with doin a collabo that would be coo cause i got some deep shit like that....so if you down holla at me at "To whom it may concern" and we can set it up na mean?

up'

Up!

said it before...we need to reinstate the 3 replies before posting rule.

sigh.

I liked this piece a lot...the way you described emotion and had a constant vision for the reader...very well done..good vocab structure and all that...keep it up very good work

cheers rule.....

up.

will keep uppin' it.

Great read...Emotions you showed on this piece is very rare to find these days...This was simply a great piece...OM of the month.....^^
~Click~Click~sig~~~

Ty Pen...will hit up your piece..later on tonight.

that was deep there...excellent piece...

A figure distantly appeared, Face nearly visible but the cloud interfered...
Mist covered the darkened road, the moonlight lit, then disappeared...

^ luv the wordplay there...

As he came within recognisable distance, His walk retained its consistence...
Was he real, Why was his appearance so surreal, did he have believable existence...?

^ once agen worplay was heavy...n deep aswell...

I’ve lead a life conscience of sin, So many events, Where do I begin...?
I’m already dead, you must be courageous & release my spirits within...
So many tears I shed, and in your life I can foresee so many fears ahead...

^ touching lines man...

An astounded presence overcame me, I looked straight into his eyes, He looked at me...
I didn’t realise that, by living a life free of sin, heaven for me he could guarantee...

^ whoa especially by living a life free of sin, heaven for me he could guarantee... sik!..

last verse was deep aswelll...

nice drop man...

^ty...good to see someone else is breaking shit down..^

This was a nice piece here.....I liked it, it was a really nice read.....the emotion in this was real nice....the imagery in this was nice, I liked how you captured the things in this....structure was nice in this.....vocab was real nice as well.....flow was on point through out the whole thing, flowed pretty smoothly....The way you ended it was nice i thought.....overall a nice piece, enjoyed it.

I laughed at the end lol..

Holy shit! It's Jebus! Saaave me Jebus!!

Anyways, I suggest using more internal multis to help keep the readers interested.. Sometimes I felt the bars dragged on too long, then again I look at everything from an audio type perspective.. I think Jebus topics are played, but that's just me. . Seemed like you re-wrote an old story from the bible, but made it rhyme.. T'wasn't feelin' the topic, but it wasn't deathly boring to read. :thumbup:

Up up and away!!

^Jebus^?

story was good, structure was well put together...

my feelin was that some of the rhymes weren't put in for their intrinsic meanins... they were really just dropped in so the ends of the lines would rhyme. this type of writin takes away from the meanin of a entire body
ex.

As he came within recognisable distance, His walk retained its consistence...
Was he real, Why was his appearance so surreal, did he have believable existence...?
^^i thought you could have down better here, "retained its consistence" is a little weak. Maybe it works better as "was consistenly persistent"

keep tightenin it up and it goes from worthy to sublime...

otherwise a straight drop...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by RythmicTendicies

^Jebus^?

---

The Simpsons.. The episode where Homer gets stuck on a plane and goes to a missionary colony

*Homer is pushed on plane*

"But I don't believe in Jebus!"

*Plane flys into the distance*

"SAAAAAVE ME JEBUS!!!"

:laugh: It's funny. LAUGH YOU FUCKER!

erm....L0L

satisfied...lol, i prolly have sene it...watched too many th0.

dizzooness, havent read from u in a while, but this was great, everythings was good,

uppin