Beginning's End

Beginning's End

~Verse 1~
Depressed expressions released, the story began with him lonely
In order to insist subsisting he lead a search for his one and only
It took less than he expected, as if he wished upon a billion stars
Just a night of his best retesting and a broad was within his arms
He tasted bliss in this when realizing that his wishes were granted
But deep down inside were instincts of man that God implanted
Slowly but surely the lust began till he could no longer resist it
His insatiable desires manifested within and his mind enlisted

~Bridge~
A kiss to ignite the light they shared, he was her prince charming
With pure beauty such as hers, she had a heart not worth harming
With ignorance and innocence she gave herself and more away
He encased her heart with lying eyes and stole it to escort astray

~Verse 2~
The lust implored his mind to where his thoughts became actions
Without breaking the bond between her he sold his satisfactions
He wrote cold reposed notes to demote her chances of knowing
He hid his intentions with limits but his glances were growing
Finally he found himself a victim who he could label his prey
He initiated his state to capture her with his love fable display
Compelled by his words, the new girl was caught in the trade
Held by what he preferred, he disposed her soul to soon fade

~Bridge~
A kiss to ignite the light they shared, he was her prince charming
With pure beauty such as hers, she had a heart not worth harming
With ignorance and innocence she gave herself and more away
He encased her heart with lying eyes and stole it to escort astray

~Verse 3~
The times were unknowingly spent equally between his treasures
He treated each girl as if they were the only ones without measures
He enticed them both while receiving more than he ever dreamed
But like all other dreams this wouldn’t end the way that it seemed
Cuz soon enough the spider would catch himself in his own web
He was too fixated on his elations to know where each one lead
It was fate for his deception to be shown as a loss mistook winning
The sin consumed him in realities end to bear him to the beginning

In life, choices are made to have effects against and for us...
The voices within know the answers but hone to ignore us...
The times spent can't fully make up for the sins that we make...
So overall the pain is twice acknowledged as pleasures intake...

thought it came across quite expressive, with some nice multis, but the scheme was quite basic.... for the length of the bars there wasnt much going on, the flow was decent enought, just think it would be better with a few interanls and more mutlis, and not jus at the end of ya lines..... hit my latest drop......

^thanx. this was the first time i wrote a story before.
and it seemed like a good idea...................
i'll be sure to hit that up.

peace

yo homie..seen sum of ur drops n i gotta say this was also pretty good..stood out cuz it was different but it also came wit ur talent...u had sum very nice imagery, the vocab was strait fire, n the multis were also fire...i dont think i saw ne flaws in this but i mayb wrong...so all ic an say is nice drop n keep rhymin

Peace

^thanx dog. much appreciation. yeah i just
wanted to try this new style out. its easier and
harder than what i usually do. but thanx again.
keep rhymin also. uppin.
pz

^^^ (Funny how peeps interpret shit) (southsideloco/imagery)

Real nice story, man...

Good realism, great vocab...

Couldn't find a fault in ya flow.

I wished ya'd have told more about the girls...

Described em some, but that's just my preference.

Helps me with imagery.

But nonetheless, this was way long...

Longer than I normally ever dedicate myself to reading.

But the flow and story made the read fly.

A real sign that you've just read something dope.

Only thing I'd ask ya improve on?

Well, the imagery.
Plenty of emotion here, not enough of imagery.
That'd be about it.

Peace

I agree this was a nice piece here man....i enjoyed the read....your structure was great, nothing bad about it at all......you had some nice multies through out the piece....the flow to this was nice, it flowed really well, pretty smooth all over....i liked the expression in this, it was good....some very nice lines in there....overall a nice piece....keep at it man :)

this was actually pretty nice work..I just can't get passed your gay sig!...anyway..yes your flow was nice..and wordplay was also nice..but..you had no imagery in your pieces...(I'm the imagery king..or I've been falsely told..:()anywho..overall this was nice work...peace...~~my sig~~Click~Click~...III...

^thanx people. much appreciation.
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...i wouldv'e made it have more imagery
but it would have been too long i think..
maybe next one.....aite
pz

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Penskills

this was actually pretty nice work..I just can't get passed your gay sig

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word
real tight shit i was feeling it.. u had a lot of good vocab but it looked forced ehh it was tight tho if you did force it then it wasnt to noticeable but i like noticing stupid shit like that great piece.. i think you do pretty dern good lol
overall-7/10

thanx. everyone's jealous of my sig. :nono: lol.
yah its tight i know.........................
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pz

this was cool. Maybe a a spin on "The road not taken" I always thought Frost was talkin about two women in that poem. I enjoyed reading this. You're structure was excellent, you're topic's been played yet it was fresh. Good job, especially since it's your first time writing a piece in that story writing style, that's not my thing but if it was, I'd be feelin ' this. A few more story drops and you should have it down pact.Keep it up man.
thanks for the feedback, appreciate it.

you dog i was reading it. pretty tight yo for a begginer. nah ur doing good. i could never do anything that good son. props man, props.
Goby

^lol. thanx peepz. i appreciate it.
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pz

flow on this was perfect, didnt spot any flaws, nice vocab.. good imagery.. stayed on topic perfectly, very good expressive piece, displayed good storytelling skillz some nice scattered multis.. the content is what makes this piece nice.. good job keep it up.. peep this a quick joint i did thats being slept
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=113859

^thanx man. much appreciation. keep'em coming.

Nice drop good flow and very nice vocab and i know you prolly seen this b4 but you need more imagery if give more details in stories it makes'em stand out and takin to the place or thing you talkin bout nice drop anyway tho

^thanx man. i appreciate it. i didn't want to make
this too long so i left out lines of imagery. i just felt
like telling a story. but i'll keep that in mind.
keep'em comin'
pz

yea this ws pretty good...nuttin more i can really say...lookin forward to some more of your drops

tight style keep them coming and wit the support its a must you do.
check you out later
sharks

thanx peepz. i got my name changed cuz im starting
to take this account more serious than i thought i wuld.
keep'em coming.

lemme up this for you dog

eh yo, i nominated this for top ten this month. its just that dope.
hit up mine if you have the time. "Introduction" thanks.

thanks for the nomination, even tho i don't think i deserve it.
not yet at least. but i'll hit that up wen i can find it.

keep rhymin

Depressed expressions released, the story began with him lonely
In order to insist subsisting he lead a search for his one and only

^ nice start to the trak..

Slowly but surely the lust began till he could no longer resist it
His insatiable desires manifested within and his mind enlisted

^ sik wordplay in second line...

nice chorus

The lust implored his mind to where his thoughts became actions
Without breaking the bond between her he sold his satisfactions

^that was fukin deep man...nicely emphasied with the lyrics..

The times were unknowingly spent equally between his treasures
He treated each girl as if they were the only ones without measures

^ nice one there... "only ones without measures"] liked da way u done that one..

Cuz soon enough the spider would catch himself in his own web
He was too fixated on his elations to know where each one lead

^ deep meaning there...

In life, choices are made to have effects against and for us...
The voices within know the answers but hone to ignore us...
The times spent can't fully make up for the sins that we make...
So overall the pain is twice acknowledged as pleasures intake...

^ i liked the outro there aswell..

that was a deep drop on the whole man...i like the way u rote this aswell..keep it up man..

^thanks man. i appreciate it. i enjoyed ur work also.

keep'em coming

uppin

Nice multis..
Nice imagry..
Flow went along well..
Dope Internals..
Good story..
Maybe step your vocab up a little..
But not much of a problem..

^thanks for the input. uppin this for sum'more.

alright. since this got nominated. i mite as well keep it going. uppin this.

Since I already replied to your other piece, I'm hitting this:
Flow was pretty good - but I'd like to see a little more complex scheme. Vocab was ok. Story was nicely told - I thought you didn't really consider the second girl enough - cause the first girl gets a complete verse while the second only gets half, since the first half is connecting the two. Nice summary at the end. Good piece - keep writing. Hit something in my sig if there's anything there you haven't already. Thnx.