Those be Fightin words

First post, this is one of my first rap verses. I started writing lyrics during my time as the singer of a punk band but I moved onto rap as a means of writing without the need of a full band.Advice/Critiques welcome.


Godless;
That’ how I’m making my way
Lawless;
And homie that’s how I’ll stay
-Possible Hook

(Now tell me)
Do you know what it’s like to lose all your friends
Got you feeling like an orphan Alone once again
They turn they back and say that you’re not one of them
And the thing stopping you from killing is this paper and pen
Well I can tell you it’s a miserable experience
No laughs, fists clenched and you’re serious
About wanting them dead
Wishing it was your fake friends instead
Feeling your pain, and going insane
You dream of putting your fist to their brain
Or worse a bullet, but it’s all the same
To a cold hardened heart long dead in vain
Locked up and screaming with/for vengeance
Now you only look out for your own interests
And every single suckers now on your hit list
Now pick your shot, cause it’s time to end this

Now you’re learning to rely on yourself
You make your way in life without anyone’s help
And you don’t take shit from anybody else
Making the most of the hand that you’re dealt
When you find yourself alone you feel so liberated
Almost as if your old life kept you sedated
Like chains preventing you from reaching your potential
Now your confidence is growing exponentially
Fuck your friends and fuck what you used to be
Believe me, it’s not like they’re family
You could just as easily throw your hands in return
To their words, don’t give them respect they haven’t earned
I’m not saying you should hate the friends that you got
But if they turn on you then friends they are not
What kind of friend would take such a cheap shot?
What kind of friend would even think those thoughts?

Hookx2

When people look at me they see a man on a mission
Scarred with pride and filled with ambition
When’s the last time you seen someone so driven
No fucks are given Ima keep on living
Live and let live or live and let die
Your call, either way it’s me still alive
You might not survive if you don’t step aside
I keep moving forward and leave bodies behind
What’s the point of playing if you don’t want to win?
I rise to the top and if I fall I start climbing again

feel like you had a very basic scheme n vocab cant say its original or see any pain in this i think as an artist you need to draw pain from life or joy touching on that i think you need to just draw emotion in . try to improve your vocab a lil dice your writtens up with staunch words you know? im an audio head so i dont feed to much on all this poetic game these cats do as long as your bring something i enjoy reading or something so creative and fresh it makes me wanna flip the concept . try writing to a beat if your not already and have fun with your shit. write about something you know very well and something you know nobody can write aswell as you. rap is about speaking about a moment in your life so do it n show us.

hope that helps a lil duder stay up

thanks man I'll keep on it for sure

you had a good story going on there, it was a bit simple. but it flowed well. had some iight rhymes. try adding some multi's in there. and yeah just keep it up man and you'll be good. pretty good for your first post.

6.5/10

Thanks man, I'm definitely going to be working on my multis. I hope to have another verse up later tonight.

hit my open mic back its called linger

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...780/index.html

New one from today

Godless;
That’ how I’m making my way
Lawless;
And homie that’s how I’ll stay
-Possible Hook

(Now tell me)
Do you know what it’s like to lose all your friends
Got you feeling like an orphan Alone once again
They turn they back and say that you’re not one of them
And the thing stopping you from killing is this paper and pen
Well I can tell you it’s a miserable experience
No laughs, fists clenched and you’re serious
About wanting them dead
Wishing it was your fake friends instead
Feeling your pain, and going insane
You dream of putting your fist to their brain
Or worse a bullet, but it’s all the same
To a cold hardened heart long dead in vain
Locked up and screaming with/for vengeance
Now you only look out for your own interests
And every single suckers now on your hit list
Now pick your shot, cause it’s time to end this

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...04&postcount=4

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...82&postcount=7

Seems to me like your style is made for audio. Basic rhyme scheme.
In text you need to drag your lines out more for people to catch your flow.
You might try to mix in some multies and better metaphors so that it will
paint a picture in the readers mind. overall this was an ok peice... keep
elevating man.

hit this up.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...984/index.html

I appreciate it. Does anyone see any improvement between the first two verses and the edited in second two verses?

First two verses were simple and sounded more for audio, the one you editted in was a lot better and had more of an Open Mic feel to it... that's on the right track. There's most definitely an improvement, try to use more complex concepts in your verses and I think things will start looking better.

Check out my OM piece if you have time.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...983/index.html

New Verse


Now you’re learning to rely on yourself
You make your way in life without anyone’s help
And you don’t take shit from anybody else
Making the most of the hand that you’re dealt
When you find yourself alone you feel so liberated
Almost as if your old life kept you sedated
Like chains preventing you from reaching your potential
Now your confidence is growing exponentially
Fuck your friends and fuck what you used to be
Believe me, it’s not like they’re family
You could just as easily throw your hands in return
To their words, don’t give them respect they haven’t earned
I’m not saying you should hate the friends that you got
But if they turn on you then friends they are not
What kind of friend would take such a cheap shot?
What kind of friend would even think those thoughts?

I lost interest after first two lines.I still ended up reading the whole thing and as it was mentioned above this may sound better in audio than read on text.
It's very basic and your wordplay is below average at best,
Keep working on it and keep writing.

I figure it's kind of hard to follow if you haven't read the original verse its based off of so I put it in order in the OP.