Re: hand-me-down the river..
Re: hand-me-down the river..
whoah.. the rhyme scheme was soooooooooooo sickly... it was scattered everywhere and was so complex, there were like three different syllable matches in eaach quartet.. it nmade it flow so smoothly, the beggining was nice and abstract but ended with something simple that matched perfectly with the title... something thats nice to someone as complex as you do.. lol.
As that old bars clasp folders around the cold hard latch
her whole heart cracks..
.. shatters, as she screams, and both arms crash
around that obscene carcass' old charred deceased partisans;
a hole carved where his open heart received martyring,
the whole home barbed..
.. infant baskets collapsed in with slant crowbars
and slashes dance within the thin home's heart.
that was ill the rhyming was all over the place but just weaved back into itself like some magic, man.. great job with this... i leave for a a month and your back completely dominaiting topicals and everything.. gereat job
Re: hand-me-down the river..
I fucking loved this, the flow was fucking dope, for real. Your rhyme scheme was odd, but in a good way, because I have never seen anything written with a rhyme scheme like this, not as far as I can remember anyway. I liked your story, it was very intriguing. I think you really made this topic yours, it couldn't have been done any better. I liked the ending, it was ended very effectively. You kept me interesting throughout the whole read, which is hard, because I have an extremely shot attention span lol so good work on that. You didn't fall off at any point in this piece, I was completely feeling it, and you would have won your battle, had Quo shown. Dope shit dude, I was really, really, feeling it. Props.
As that old bars clasp folders around the cold hard latch
her whole heart cracks..
^loved that part.
Re: hand-me-down the river..
really epic, it drew me in quick with the beggining imagery.
being in a burning building at first, i thought it took place in a suburb of somekind and an ordinary women in distress with her baby facing destiny in the hands of fiery escape.. it got even more interesting and intricate as i kept reading. when i seen the pharoahs genocide, thats when it gave the plot away and all the ends tied-in nicely. the emotion could be felt. the flow also had really intense multis, the rhyme skemes were unique and drifted away from the main, but fell back into place. nice drop.
Re: hand-me-down the river..
Yo......Dov......The Imagery In This Piece was fucking beautfiul.....I almost shed a tear....Seriously....The word usage was amazing......It flowed Together perfectly yo......Damn Kid.....Nice, Nice, And Nicer!!!!!!
Keep up the good work!
Pz.
Re: hand-me-down the river..
this is a pretty twisted rhyme scheme
if anything-the flow almost reads as too active for the first 8 lines and can almost cancel itself out because they are too hard to follow smoothly without physically hearing them
but your wordchoice and content were seamlessly woven into the flow
As that old bars clasp folders around the cold hard latch
her whole heart cracks..
.. shatters, as she screams, and both arms crash
around that obscene carcass' old charred deceased partisans;
a hole carved where his open heart received martyring,
definately the most engaging part of your verse
the baby moses story was paced really well-something of a surprise but there were plenty of hints
in short, fantastic
Re: hand-me-down the river..
^I actually agree with some of what Danger said. At points your rhyme scheme was flawless, and others it was full of flaws due to it being so complex, yet at other times it was a bit too stretched.
For example:
She cowers, patiently down their debris powdered basement;
a babe's lips whispered in the wee hours..
.. feet surround their tainted speech around the ground floor vacance:
^Sometimes I feel like you try to fit as many descriptive words as possible to the point where it takes away from the flow of the piece. Can change it to:
She cowers,
Patiently down their debris powdered basement;
Babe's lips whispered in the wee hours,
Around the ground floor vacance
^That's how I usually write my pieces when I'm going with my style of writing, which is why you probably can never find the flow, but it's a lot easier to grasp it. And I purposely took out feet surround their tainted speech because that didn't make any sense to me. Now the flow was flawless here:
As that old bars clasp folders around the cold hard latch
her whole heart cracks..
.. shatters, as she screams, and both arms crash
around that obscene carcass' old charred deceased partisans;
a hole carved where his open heart received martyring,
the whole home barbed..
.. infant baskets collapsed in with slant crowbars
and slashes dance within the thin home's heart.
Pretend those lives don't start, so they wont start to endo by..
.. it's better than cold scars and a pharaoh's genocide.
Day she left, home behind..
.. baby on her cold dry breast.
In disarray she met the roadside looking for a place she'd rest,
short of breath, and even less of hope lined mindsets and safety jest..
.. she set aside the brookline where the daisies slept.
Against a desperate lady's look-by, a stretch of 80 took 5
^Flow was beautiful and it didn't seem like you were forcing any unecessary words within each line to add to your already descriptive style of writing. My favorite part.
I think people just respond and don't actually know this story, but this is the biblical story of Moses and this was beautifully written despite my irritation of a few lines. The whole Prince of Egypt concept, "Let My People Go"! Ha, this was a really nice piece. Kudos Atty. I think I'ma nominate it.
-Nique.
Re: hand-me-down the river..
You are a very articulate writer, Ive probably read a lot from you before but none have been all that memorable so this is like the first piece Ive read. Obviously, you must of improved, in my eyes anyway, a whole lot. Some of your vocabulary is outstanding to say the least, I seriously loved your descriptive words & how you lead me, the reader, along until the end. I didnt have a clue in all honesty, maybe its the way my mind is right now, tired lol, but I didn't have a clue what you were going on about until the very last line, & then it all came together beautifully. A very complex use of rhyming, too, structually taking into effect, those who can read it adore it, & those who cant will still appreciate it. I didn't think this looked like much from when I first opened the page, but man you had me, Im glad I finished the piece to get to the meaning & the point, wonderfully written.
Re: hand-me-down the river..
I Heard It Through The Hoarsest Mouth.
If you could, man, its nothing really. Its a quick one but I just want to keep posting or Ill die of inactivity lol, check it out please!?
Re: hand-me-down the river..
This was an interesting piece. Alot of imagery involved in this. And i have to agree with some of the critique about the flow of the piece. Some points were exceptional and some points it just didn't come together as smoothly as "I" would have liked (im sure you probably read it over the way you intended others to read it and it sounded perfect... yes? no?) But in any case this was a nice refreshing piece. Well done man.
Re: hand-me-down the river..
A nice job and different from you, I remember reading this in SS when you posted it and thinking Quo would have a really tough time doing anything to top it... still remains true, this is one of those pieces that you read and it is immediately set apart from most of the stuff anybody is capable of writing on this site. Some parts were, as usual, a bit metaphorical for me, and a lot of times the word choices you use seem out of place in song-writing... but hey, you never said you were writing a song, you're just writing. It's me that's always trying to write the song =D
Good job, an enjoyable read and I hope to make it to a rematch with you in SS, although the sailing is hardly smooth with Nique and then a probably Nahlidge match next round if I beat her. So... Ouch. But I'm up to it. =D
Good luck in SS - and by that I mean try really hard to beat your opponent by simply doing a better job. =D
Re: hand-me-down the river..
i'm all about that thick black rod in my tiny white asshole!!
ante up my chocalate stallions!
I LOVE BLACK MEN!
Re: hand-me-down the river..
Re: hand-me-down the river..
Nice piece..took me a while to finally respond due to one reason or the other...overall i found this good, it had good concepts and sub concepts and certain words edged toward certain ideas. I liked how it was quite different and still very good...the main problem was at points the flow wasn't as fluid as it could have been and though this could have been an undoing, it wasn't anything to dmamging..though it would be better if in the futre you try and use certain words to keep the flow stringed...nothing much other i can criticse as i really liked the piece and found it's ending to be very suitable and effective. Good work.
