meth poetry

i dont noe how ppl can read things about death from meth/ n b flattered/ while pplz lives r fading away n being shattered/ dope is not the way to get rid of pain/ there is so much more out there then takin shiit to the vein/ dont u wanna noe life outside meth/ wen all ur life is gon show is death/ i pray for u to to get out n overpower this damn drug/ i dont mean to preech n b a bug/ but wut is so great about having everyone in ur life fade away/ as u sit back n watch life go by day by day/ ne one who can quit such a drug shud have mad respect/ cuz this drug is killing u n does such an affect/ so plz get out b4 its all done/ get back ur life b4 its all gone...

by Jess!ca.StoOoOne<3


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=323843

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...60#post5449460

well...this piece was simple....not too bad but your could use more complex wordplay and vocab...you repeated the same words too much.....your rhyme scheme was aiight...but it was still simple...i liked the message though..very tight to me...im a former meth addict....i shot meth some years back...i havent done meth in like 5 years.......its quite the difficult drug to kick....ive been focusing on my writing since....either way....work on your wordplay and rhyem scheme..they need more complexity..you didnt really have wordplay...but its something to think about...your structure was off alot..didnt make it too hard to read..but some people cant read it right unless its laid out with a simple structure......line over line works best...work on your vocab and it should def. be longer......16 bars min....not too bad for a newbie though....keep elevatin and droppin pieces for sure..you got some good messages you just need to relay them better is all...keep droppin and elevatin..~1~

pfft you need to elevate badly befor posting your ish fam, i mean you had no structure nor did your flow every have a existance emotion was limited so were your imagery, must I go on?, nah I belive not seriously no hate, but this is utter shit, try visiting hepl desk then goto tutorials and learn a few things because this was not good at all you kind of got worse from your last om, how ever you did that idk.

uhg... check out other peices and try to sturcture...

one big paragraph just doesn't cut it... until that is done.. i don't really wanna read this.

example

xxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxx

at least something like that.

ya i wasnt tryin make a big aSS THING w/ deadly vocab... but thnx to the one person who looked passed that n juged it ne ways... ya i noe its short... but i was jus tryin make a point about meth... its a huge thing herre... thats y i made it...n i dont think it redid words alot but oooklol

Your next piece should be titled "Excuse, Me?" and tal kabout how you have an excuse for everything you write and how shitty it is

lol, real talk I understand that you wanted to make a piece about meth or w/e, but when talking about deep subjects like that you got to come nice if not dope, plus this piece was so cliche the topic was alright but like the comment its been done, and what do you mean by look past?, how can we look past the content?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by LiL KiD

Your next piece should be titled "Excuse, Me?" and tal kabout how you have an excuse for everything you write and how shitty it is

---

Yo Lil Kid I read your rap battle shit you suck lol, & I bet you suck at theese poems to.

Anyways I liked it, I liked your ''bro'' 1 more, but this was good.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by LiL KiD

Your next piece should be titled "Excuse, Me?" and tal kabout how you have an excuse for everything you write and how shitty it is

---

LOL!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Tebo

Yo Lil Kid I read your rap battle shit you suck lol, & I bet you suck at theese poems to.

Anyways I liked it, I liked your ''bro'' 1 more, but this was good.

---

lmao good to know what you think is good.

ccch well i was explaining myself... so fuck u

You are a disgrace to white rappers, female rappers, and both race indefinetely. That is all.

dont worry bout them tryin to bring you down..you know it wasnt that good and you gotta elevate anyway....most of tha mother fuckers talkin shit suck anyway there just a bit better than you(except for twixn,twixn comes dope when he drops pieces for sure) lil kid and tebo aint got room to talk..yall aint tha most complex motherfuckerfs by far..dont bring people down,constructive critcism is supposed to be for helping people...either way try and elevate on what i told you and you should start droppin tighter...if you need help drop me a private message and ill help you and shit...give you some pointers or what ever...~1~

lay off the drugs ....losed ya need ta be schooled or stay in school..lol

First off, the structure is horrible. If you're gonna type it up for people to read it, the backslash style is ridiculous, but it becomes worse when you don't even edit the lines. Its not the writers job to create a piece that fits perfectly with what he's saying, but when you write something you're going to present, at least give the reader some credit & develop your work in a positive structual way.
Away from that, I honestly didn't like the piece, it was way too simple for me. You rhymed such words as Pain & Vein, & Done with Gone, these words aren't powerful enough to describe what your saying, neither poetic enough for you to use them like this. The wordplay you actually used such as Flattered & Shattered were also very easy, it seems like you just used the first words that came to your head. Vocabulary is a huge part of writing, & you discredit such words by using them the way you have done. The topic is playyyyyed out on a site like this, a rap site, & you can't gain anything from the perspective you wrote from.
I couldn't find anything I like about this piece in all honesty, Im just telling you the facts. Im not diminishing your potential as a writer, just this particular piece has nothing going for it. I apologise if you think Im being brutal, but you wouldn't elevate any other way. Just check around the rest of the pieces & incorperate thing, learn from this. Good luck.