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Looking At You
Looking At You
"Pain is just a phase or a virtue destined to happen"
Patiently i sit...while thoughts run wild
As the cows jump over the fences of dreamless files.
Lips moving in existance of a speech unknown
Not one single word heard of the one you dearly hold close.
A rhytmatic combustion if internal emotions
Frozen....my heart sits still, slowly waiting while it's decomposing.
Medic...please save me from such a pain
I lay slain, pulse without a wrist...thoughts without a brain.
Lame,the pale moonlight sheraids in a cirlce
Movement becomes convoluted, face changes color to purple.
Deep deep breathe, inhaled a scent of betray
she slowly walked away, not caring to take one more glance of dismay.
Another shadow taps along her sultran side
Helplessly i abide with a conclusion...this is our goodbye
So farewell to the dwellings of the feelings inside
Farewell to the relationship we faked in guessing each others life
Bonjour, adios, esta gupa'.....til we meet again
not in a kind spirit will we talk nor will we be forever agian friends.
Layed attached with the scene of avengance
corrupted sences, crushed and helpless, no support just Neglectness.
My eye's close slowly, my vision not only a blur but dark
I died with a trickle of tears descending, you left i fell apart.
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Woah. Ended up reading this two and a half times before I even replied. This cut pretty deep, I'm right on with you in the emotion you're feeling when you wrote this, and what you're trying to say.
That feeling of losing someone so completely - but doing it, suffering the moment, and living to tell about it, basically. Because I think the suicide thing comes into mind at some point and is a real possibility for just a second, and you have to dismiss that from somewhere deep inside where you know this isn't it. This piece was so damned good man, straight fucking ill, and not only did the imagery come through, the flow was really good, too, at the end it got a little bit less structured and you kind of freestyled to the end, which was cool.
Nice read. Stay up, man.
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thanks........uping this.
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Yo i liked the structure of it .the piece read well and I could visualize tis as it's read. Vocabulary is impressive , not too simple or complicated. keep it up.
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Nice job here bud. Losing someone is so hard and I know it to be true. Like Engivale said, suicide comes into the mind at some point and I think by the end of our lives everyone will have at least thought about it once. Dope topic really, deep and heart felt. The emotion was obviously there and it really kept me interested and helpied in following the story. The vocabulary used could've been better, but that's the least of your worries to me. You understand the way to write an OM, but somehow, I find something missing and I can't quite pinpoint it, but it seems to really do with your simple style (aabb). I know for a fact that it's hard to switch styles, I am so used to abab it's ridiculous, but I think you really did a great job here nonetheless. Keep at it bud!
-Educated (hit Speaking Silence in my sig)
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thanks for the feed guys upping this and i will hit the links given to me thank you.
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This was ok, some spelling and grammatical errors. I thought some of your lines were a bit stretched, and your syllable count was all over making the read choppy...the line
"I lay slain, wrists without a pulse...thoughts without a brain." bugged me, i think you should have either switched 'wrists' with 'pulse' or 'thoughts' with 'brain'...this is mainly because it helps the coherentness...i dunno if thats the right word, but think of it this way. The wrists are a thing that the pulse is inside, and the brain is a thing that the thoughts are inside, so you should put them in the same order, either wrists/brain first before pulse/thoughts or vice verse. Sorry if that doesnt make sense.
I thought your rhyming was very simplistic, and would have liked to see you be a little more creative with your rhyme scheme, either by adding more internals, or else by using multi-syllable rhyming words. Imagery could have been better also.
Your strongest poing was your emotion which i felt would have been even better if you changed your wordchoice and paid attention to things like syllable count, metas, and rhyming like i stated above.
Keep at it man, your an up and comming writer, keep improving
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Clisk you never hit my link..well now hit my link Live Your Dreams in my sig
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thanks laureate and EDUCATED I DID FOOL!...lmfao..anyway's yea i will now.
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Solid. Overall Piece: 8.6/10
Know what you are/went going through.
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well my drop was out of respect that death touched alot of ppl lol...but anyways on to your om....i really do like this drop...and i`m sure alot of ppl can even relate to it...flow was nice...it went well with the lay out...multies were there though kinda weak as there wasnt as many as i would like to see...strutre was nice and basic...which didnt exactly turn me off from reading...you kept it short which is good cause not many ppl wanna read 40 lines of a basic topic...this was pretty creative you did a good drop out of a played topic...i was feelin this keep up homie...
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thank you very much.....we will collab SOON!
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Medic...please save me from such a pain
I lay slain, pulse without a wrist...thoughts without a brain.
Lame,the pale moonlight sheraids in a cirlce
Movement becomes convoluted, face changes color to purple.
Deep deep breathe, inhaled a scent of betray
she slowly walked away, not caring to take one more glance of dismay
those are my fav lines...it was a good peice, i think that some of ur vocab seemed forced doe...but ur vocab was really good...ur shit flowed well but the forced shit slowed it down,..
corrupted sences, crushed and helpless, no support just Neglectness.
like that it seems u tryed a little to hard for the multi...ur structure was a bit sloopy to...but the imagary acpects were good and the deepness was fine...good om :)
